The gift appears to be a large backpack. One can put any object inside and loudly declares, while holding the backpack, "If only I had [food item]". Be sure that there are no other items in the backpack, because they will be consumed.
(Note that one cannot request a whole dish; for example, they can order plain macaroni, but not mac and cheese).
Open the backpack after five minutes to reveal the requested food item, whose output weight matches that of the input. The taste of the food will depend on the value of the object. Make sure it's exactly 5 minutes. Who knows what'll happen if it isn't.
Black goo will always seep out from the bottom of the backpack when in use.
On the backpack:
It's easy enough to mistake for any backpack at all, and Delphyrion has not put a label on it. They have lost quite a few beakers and pens to it whenever they mused about their next experiment, as they often reach epiphanies by saying, "If only I had [food item]". Perhaps that's why the artifact works this way.
On food quality:
For some reason the output quality directly ties to the price of food in Orlando. So, put a 5-cent pencil in the backpack, and you'll get a 5-cent quality potato fry.
Also, yeah, make sure it's 5 minutes exactly. This is a theoretical number; no one has tried to test its limits, hence its reference to Schrodinger.
(On a critical fail, one fails to retrieve the food in time and it is either underdeveloped or spoiled.)
On the black goo:
Delphyrion themself isn't sure what it is, nor do they ever remember to analyze it. It doesn't seem to leave any residue on the backpack itself, though it stains quite horribly on porous material including skin. With enough washes it should go away.
If consumed, call the Poison Control Center and pray.
(Also pray that you are not Dephyrion, the chemist who has had 0 interaction with any religion at all, and therefore still thinks priests can get pregnant.)
On Madness:
One gets uncontrollably angry at the sight or mention of any food that did not come out of the backpack. It feels as if one is running a state-of-the-art restaurant, yet people line up for the nearby McDonald's instead. Delphyrion feels this way towards content farms like 1-minute arts.
Expend a point of Battery and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Roll a single D10 as a critical failure check. If you roll a 1, the Effect fails, and you think the backpack has created the intended food item. In fact, it appears and smells more delightful than it should, to the point that you are urged to eat it right away no matter what. You will develop Vertigo upon eating the food as it turns out to be incredibly poisonous. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Anyone who touches this Artifact will notice it warping their mind and may drop it. If they choose to hold or use it, they immediately receive the following Trauma: You must roll Self-Control to contain the urge to cannibalize yourself or the person who brought up the food. If they lose possession of this Artifact, the Trauma heals over the course of the next day.
The blacksmith takes up the desired object and their trusty hammer, swinging at the object with the essence of the forge, each hit inscribing a glowing rune into the object granting it more power than ever before.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You may choose not to pay this Effect’s activation cost. When you activate this Effect, if it is active from a previous activation where you didn’t pay, that Effect ends. You must actively and obviously use hammer to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
You may end this Effect prematurely as a Free Action.
Julia takes the bones, and does a number of different things. Carving sigils into them, making them paint, hiding them in the machine so that they dissolve over time or maybe even replacing entire parts of the machine with large enough bones. This imbues them with the energy contained within all things, allowing even simple items to pull off mundane feats.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up a pound of bones in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next day. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Kee slams her wrench down onto the object, chipping off a small amount of meteorite scrap into the object, enhancing it
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up a Meteorite Scrap in order to activate this Effect. Can be used on Armor.
Lasts the next day. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. If it is a piece of Armor, it instead receives half that amount as bonus armor rating, rounded up. If an upgraded shield and armor are both worn, the upgrade bonus does not stack with itself.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
It is a scarf that when donned covers the body in a gown, the strands that make up the scarf are woven from the threads of the world granting them near unbreakability.
This Artifact has been upgraded.
This Artifact receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed. Upgraded Armor is shredded by half the normal amount. If it is a piece of Armor, it instead receives half that amount as bonus armor rating, rounded up. If an upgraded shield and armor are both worn, the upgrade bonus does not stack with itself.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
This item is a living thing. When targeted, it counts as a Living Creature in addition to its other target types. If destroyed or abandoned for more than two days, it dies and becomes unusable.
The Scribe's Favor has absorbed enough silver ink to change its nature, turning its feather silver colored. When touched to a device, much like it does with flesh, a drop of its ink spreads out, forming a runic design that becomes an integral part of the device's fit and finish, clearly visible but looking as though it belongs, and remaining for 24 hours before fading. While so marked, items are immensely stronger, as well as simply being better at their intended uses. Cars drive smoother and never run out of gas, pots or utensils are easier to cook with and seem to make better food. Tools work smoother and make repairs easier. Even Mike's "Attitude-Adjusting Wrench" seems to hit harder, especially on beasties with some special weakness.
Its user, however, feels the weight of its origins...
Exert your Mind and spend 1 Action. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next day. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
Anyone who touches this Artifact will notice it warping their body and may drop it. If they choose to hold or use it, they immediately receive the following Battle Scar: The Drowsy Scribe - The Sleeping Scribe's artifact pulls your body toward slumber (Attempts to put you to sleep succeed automatically. A restful sleep requires 10 hours for you. +2 difficulty to wake you from sleep and on perception checks while sleeping). If they lose possession of this Artifact, the Battle Scar heals over the course of the next day.
The aristocrat knows a ritual that allows them to rent the best version of any item. They set $10,000 worth of cash on fire and place the item to be upgraded in the fire as well. While in the flame, the item morphs into a high-end version of itself. After a while, it reverts.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up $10,000 cash (or equivalent) in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 3 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +3 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
The mad scientist produces thorium cores that can be used to upgrade tools and other devices. The core supercharges the item, increasing its quality and rendering it indestructible for a period. However, once the core runs dry, the object is rendered less useful than it was before. The core crackles with blue electricity while active.
Spend 1 Action and use up this glowing blue disk. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
After the Effect ends, any upgraded targets suffer a -2 dice penalty until they are either repaired or upgraded again.