The gift appears to be a large backpack. One can put any object inside and loudly declares, while holding the backpack, "If only I had [food item]". Be sure that there are no other items in the backpack, because they will be consumed.
(Note that one cannot request a whole dish; for example, they can order plain macaroni, but not mac and cheese).
Open the backpack after five minutes to reveal the requested food item, whose output weight matches that of the input. The taste of the food will depend on the value of the object. Make sure it's exactly 5 minutes. Who knows what'll happen if it isn't.
Black goo will always seep out from the bottom of the backpack when in use.
On the backpack:
It's easy enough to mistake for any backpack at all, and Delphyrion has not put a label on it. They have lost quite a few beakers and pens to it whenever they mused about their next experiment, as they often reach epiphanies by saying, "If only I had [food item]". Perhaps that's why the artifact works this way.
On food quality:
For some reason the output quality directly ties to the price of food in Orlando. So, put a 5-cent pencil in the backpack, and you'll get a 5-cent quality potato fry.
Also, yeah, make sure it's 5 minutes exactly. This is a theoretical number; no one has tried to test its limits, hence its reference to Schrodinger.
(On a critical fail, one fails to retrieve the food in time and it is either underdeveloped or spoiled.)
On the black goo:
Delphyrion themself isn't sure what it is, nor do they ever remember to analyze it. It doesn't seem to leave any residue on the backpack itself, though it stains quite horribly on porous material including skin. With enough washes it should go away.
If consumed, call the Poison Control Center and pray.
(Also pray that you are not Dephyrion, the chemist who has had 0 interaction with any religion at all, and therefore still thinks priests can get pregnant.)
On Madness:
One gets uncontrollably angry at the sight or mention of any food that did not come out of the backpack. It feels as if one is running a state-of-the-art restaurant, yet people line up for the nearby McDonald's instead. Delphyrion feels this way towards content farms like 1-minute arts.
Expend a point of Battery and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Roll a single D10 as a critical failure check. If you roll a 1, the Effect fails, and you think the backpack has created the intended food item. In fact, it appears and smells more delightful than it should, to the point that you are urged to eat it right away no matter what. You will develop Vertigo upon eating the food as it turns out to be incredibly poisonous. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Anyone who touches this Artifact will notice it warping their mind and may drop it. If they choose to hold or use it, they immediately receive the following Trauma: No Outside Food - upon sight or mention of food that you did not create, roll Self-Control to contain the urge to cannibalize yourself or the person who brought up the food. If they lose possession of this Artifact, the Trauma heals over the course of the next day.
My years of training in gun let me have the best aim
You gain the following benefits as long as engaged in combat with firearms.
+2 dice to all firearms rolls.
You also gain the following effects:
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
Through a bizarre ritual, Lorenzo can rent an improved version of an item. He must set $10,000 worth of cash on fire, and place the item to be upgraded in the fire as well. It will quickly burn, and will send rainbow-colored sparks up into the sky. After a short time, the new, upgraded version of the item will be delivered in the form of a metal capsule that falls out of the sky and lands near you.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. This Effect cannot be used unless you have sky access. You must use up $10000 cash (or equivalent currency) in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next day. Your target receives 3 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +3 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
This plate armor, reminding one of a knight's, is a bit easier to maneuver in and gives off a silver glow whenever it blocks a particularly heavy shot. It loses a bit of power when the user wants to inflict damage to someone.
[This is part of "Pink Power Mode"s Uniform]
You gain the following benefits as long as you are wearing this Artifact.
You have 6 Armor, which reduces incoming Damage. Armor from multiple sources does not stack.
Your Armor cannot be destroyed, and it always provides a minimum of 2 Armor regardless of any Armor shredding or penetration. It cannot be circumvented with Called Shots. When shredded, it returns to full potency in one hour.
Your Armor’s rating is increased by 2. If you do something that Damages, restricts, or otherwise directly, negatively affects another being, your Armor’s rating is decreased by 3 for one minute. This penalty does not stack with itself.
The object seems gleam as if it was made of bronze. It's edges are honed to such a fine point they almost sing. This is not just excellent craftsmanship, every atom has been fully dedicated to it's purpose.
Hephaestus has seen that Edith dedicates herself to standing up for her fellows in the disabled community, and is willing to offer her some knowledge on how to improve the creations of others. As long as that dedication to helping others remains.
This Artifact has been upgraded.
This Artifact receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Anyone who touches this Artifact will notice it warping their mind and may drop it. If they choose to hold or use it, they immediately receive the following Trauma: Maker's Creed: When you can stand in defense of someone who is weaker than yourself, you must roll self control to not do so.. If they lose possession of this Artifact, the Trauma heals over the course of the next day.
The mad scientist produces thorium cores that can be used to upgrade tools and other devices. The core supercharges the item, increasing its quality and rendering it indestructible for a period. However, once the core runs dry, the object is rendered less useful than it was before. The core crackles with blue electricity while active.
Spend 1 Action and use up this glowing blue disk. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
After the Effect ends, any upgraded targets suffer a -2 dice penalty until they are either repaired or upgraded again.
The aristocrat knows a ritual that allows them to rent the best version of any item. They set $10,000 worth of cash on fire and place the item to be upgraded in the fire as well. While in the flame, the item morphs into a high-end version of itself. After a while, it reverts.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up $10,000 cash (or equivalent) in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 3 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +3 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.