The gift appears to be a large backpack. One can put any object inside and loudly declares, while holding the backpack, "If only I had [food item]". Be sure that there are no other items in the backpack, because they will be consumed.
(Note that one cannot request a whole dish; for example, they can order plain macaroni, but not mac and cheese).
Open the backpack after five minutes to reveal the requested food item, whose output weight matches that of the input. The taste of the food will depend on the value of the object. Make sure it's exactly 5 minutes. Who knows what'll happen if it isn't.
Black goo will always seep out from the bottom of the backpack when in use.
On the backpack:
It's easy enough to mistake for any backpack at all, and Delphyrion has not put a label on it. They have lost quite a few beakers and pens to it whenever they mused about their next experiment, as they often reach epiphanies by saying, "If only I had [food item]". Perhaps that's why the artifact works this way.
On food quality:
For some reason the output quality directly ties to the price of food in Orlando. So, put a 5-cent pencil in the backpack, and you'll get a 5-cent quality potato fry.
Also, yeah, make sure it's 5 minutes exactly. This is a theoretical number; no one has tried to test its limits, hence its reference to Schrodinger.
(On a critical fail, one fails to retrieve the food in time and it is either underdeveloped or spoiled.)
On the black goo:
Delphyrion themself isn't sure what it is, nor do they ever remember to analyze it. It doesn't seem to leave any residue on the backpack itself, though it stains quite horribly on porous material including skin. With enough washes it should go away.
If consumed, call the Poison Control Center and pray.
(Also pray that you are not Dephyrion, the chemist who has had 0 interaction with any religion at all, and therefore still thinks priests can get pregnant.)
On Madness:
One gets uncontrollably angry at the sight or mention of any food that did not come out of the backpack. It feels as if one is running a state-of-the-art restaurant, yet people line up for the nearby McDonald's instead. Delphyrion feels this way towards content farms like 1-minute arts.
Expend a point of Battery and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Roll a single D10 as a critical failure check. If you roll a 1, the Effect fails, and you think the backpack has created the intended food item. In fact, it appears and smells more delightful than it should, to the point that you are urged to eat it right away no matter what. You will develop Vertigo upon eating the food as it turns out to be incredibly poisonous. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Anyone who touches this Artifact will notice it warping their mind and may drop it. If they choose to hold or use it, they immediately receive the following Trauma: No Outside Food - upon sight or mention of food that you did not create, roll Self-Control to contain the urge to cannibalize yourself or the person who brought up the food. If they lose possession of this Artifact, the Trauma heals over the course of the next day.
Through a bizarre ritual, Lorenzo can rent an improved version of an item. He must set $10,000 worth of cash on fire, and place the item to be upgraded in the fire as well. It will quickly burn, and will send rainbow-colored sparks up into the sky. After a short time, the new, upgraded version of the item will be delivered in the form of a metal capsule that falls out of the sky and lands near you.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute to activate. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. This Effect cannot be used unless you have sky access. You must use up $10000 cash (or equivalent currency) in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
For the next day, your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken with its intended use.
Despite the trauma to his body, Harold appears to have fallen into a coma. After a hour, he returns, the "killing" blow seemingly healed.
I awoke in a Victorian garden. Two mercury teacups sit on a table. The air smells like asbestos and something bitter. Sulphur? Across the table from me sits a skeleton, its eyes drilling holes into my soul. I know what it has come to tell me, even before wordless emotions tumble from its lipless mouth.
"Your time has come. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust"
I choke back my fear, then trembling, speak.
"Another few years, I beg of you. Am I not your most devoted servant? Have I not feared and revered you at every moment? How many have I sent into your arms?"
The skeleton sits emotionless, its jaw moving, speaking soundlessly.
"I have given you so many chances, Harold. But I must admit a sense of curiosity. Do you plan to evade me forever"
"Until death do we meet," I retort, half joking.
But it is already over. I am waking. Emotions begin to return to my body. Neurons fire randomly, an intricate web creating a tapestry of sparks. And so I return.
You gain the following benefits at all times.
If you would take an Injury that would kill you, you don’t die. Instead, you survive in an Incapacitated state. This state lasts for the next hour, at which point you fully return to life.
If, while you are unconscious, your wound level rises above your rating in Body + Charisma, or if you take an Injury with Severity greater than your rating in Charisma, you die. After you return, the Injury that would have killed you, as well as any Injuries sustained while Incapacitated, are healed. Battle scars obtained during this time remain.
The secret of how they've maintained their power over the millenia, how their greatest technology was always a step beyond ours. At last, Dominic has discovered it. By entangling an object with it's parallel quantum state on the level of physical matter, one can ensure that both states enforce each other with the use of micro black holes to have the item repair itself faster than it can physically be destroyed. Barring weaponry that also retroactively destroys matter, as long as Project Ozymandias has been it always shall be, and now able to pull processing power from all it's possible alternate states of being the laptop bears enough processing power to go toe to toe with a datacenter.
This Artifact has been upgraded.
This Artifact receives 3 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +3 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
This capacity allows Jessica to excel at enhancing and improving devices with a perfect blend of cold logic and boundless enthusiasm. She instinctively understands the inner workings of machines, infusing them with innovative upgrades that push their capabilities beyond the ordinary or uses her own source to power them for short stints of time.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
The Scribe's Favor, when dipped in a bottle of metallic silver ink, will draw in the full bottle, turning its feather silver colored. Mike can then scribe a rune onto a device that becomes an integral part of its fit and finish, clearly visible but looking as though it belongs, and remaining for 24 hours before fading. While so marked, items are immensely stronger, as well as simply being better at their intended uses. Cars drive smoother and never run out of gas, pots or utensils are easier to cook with and seem to make better food. Tools work smoother and make repairs easier. Even Mike's "Attitude-Adjusting Wrench" seems to hit harder, especially on beasties with some special weakness.
Exert your Mind (unless you win a coin flip) and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up a 15g bottle of conductive silver ink in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next day. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
Upgraded weapons count as any material your opponent might be particularly vulnerable to. Upgraded Armor cannot be circumvented by called shots. Upgraded Devices do not run out of fuel or energy.
The mad scientist produces thorium cores that can be used to upgrade tools and other devices. The core supercharges the item, increasing its quality and rendering it indestructible for a period. However, once the core runs dry, the object is rendered less useful than it was before. The core crackles with blue electricity while active.
Spend 1 Action and use up this glowing blue disk. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 2 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +2 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice. While it is upgraded, the item cannot be destroyed.
After the Effect ends, any upgraded targets suffer a -2 dice penalty until they are either repaired or upgraded again.
The aristocrat knows a ritual that allows them to rent the best version of any item. They set $10,000 worth of cash on fire and place the item to be upgraded in the fire as well. While in the flame, the item morphs into a high-end version of itself. After a while, it reverts.
Exert your Mind and spend a minute. Select a non-Alien Device within arm's reach. You must use up $10,000 cash (or equivalent) in order to activate this Effect. Cannot be used to improve Armor.
Lasts the next two hours. Your target receives 3 extra dice to all actions taken for its intended use. Attacking with an upgraded weapon grants +3 Weapon Damage instead of additional dice.