I think I'm a freaking pussy, and that's the only thing keeping me alive. 

I wish I was the kind to head into my battles headfirst, literally and metaphorically. 

Today I let two new friends die, and I did it all for some selfish glory. Did they die? I assume so because they are definitely not alive.

Am I alive? After the experience I had, I barely feel that way, I got away with the skin on my back.

From now on I'm going to continue to do these contracts to avenge Henry, who didn't know why he died in the first place. 

I'm going to avenge Illya, who was protective to the bitter end.

I'm not doing this to prove I'm strong, I'm not strong. 

But I'm smart, and I can get myself out of any situation.

I'm doing this because it's my destiny.

here's the truth, things have been really weird since i finished that contract.

i haven't gone home. i'm sure my mom is worried sick about me but i honestly couldn't give a shit. the way she treats me, like i'm some child, it's unforgivable and it's time i start setting some boundaries. like one: lets not interact anymore. ever.

i've been couch surfing mostly at friends' houses, one in particular is my friend celia. shes 27 and has her own place in downtown townsville, and most importantly, she doesn't ask questions. like why sometimes i disappear just to reappear again shortly after.

oh yea, thats new: my gift.

i've gained the power to move through time. not a lot of time. just a little. at first it was really jarring and i didn't do it on purpose. me and celia were getting really frustrated with eachother and i just POOF! ended up seeing her confused and surprised all at once. it was really confusing at first, because for me no time had passed, but for her, i vanished into straight up thin air.

now ive been practicing it to pull pranks on her. she'll turn her head a little so she can't see me and i'll disappear, just to confuse her. she hates when i do that but it's a lot of fun.

it does stress me out a little bit though. every time i do it, i feel this fear pour over me. maybe i shouldn't be playing with it, as the old saying goes "with great power comes great responsibility" or whatever the fuck. is that from the bible? i dont really care. 

whatever, i'm having fun. i am a little nervous for when i have to start the next contract though. i barely got by the last time, and who knows if ill live through the next one. taking my life in my hands is a weird thing to do, but its also fucking exhilarating. 

i finally feel like im living the life my mom never wanted me to have and im fucking loving it. im meeting new people, staying over with friends of friends, i even lost my virginity (finally!),,, even though it was to some creep who couldn't stop telling me how perfect my ears are??? who does that.

celia has been teaching me a few survival skills, particularly how to start a fire and cook stuff over that fire, what foods i can and can't eat in nature, how to handle the gun i took off a body (still not over that, yuck!) and i even taught her how to do my cool butterfly knife trick!

i'm really enjoying hanging out with celia, i hope she lets me stay for a long time.