I talked to Ripley, I know she knew I was trouble, I mean she saw me nearly kill a man because I thought him not enough trouble to spare. I don’t know why she still talks to me sometimes, this last time though I asked her a lot of questions. I stayed in the city for a long time since I was so hurt I couldn’t drive, I kept it from Diego and told him I was taking a long break since the drive-by on the garage last week; that was a lie, the drive-by didn’t scare me, but I nearly died this time around on a contract and didn’t want him seeing me like this. Ripley kept me company daily on video calls.

I told her about mom, about the name I’m not allowed to use, how she died and where her body might be. Ripley offered to try to contact her but I have this bad feeling that if she does she will find her lost. I have never been able to feel her, no matter how hard I try; I don’t generally believe in all this, but I think her soul is lost and I think that I can get her back if I bury her in the family graveyard. Ripley said she would help, so really right now I gotta keep Ripley alive until she can help.

This pain really takes a toll on you, I’ve seen people beat up pretty hard before, but everything about me hurts and it’s really a feeling I haven’t gotten used to yet. I decided to hire a local ASL teacher, sitting there and learning hand motions so I can better talk to Ripley, shit hurts my fingers, maybe it’s good therapy– either way I’m getting closer.

This last time as I boarded the plane Diego gave me a bulletproof vest to wear, the thing was ugly as hell, but he did put all those gems on it for me in hopes I wear it; I did, and I didn’t take it off. Diego has been with the family a long time and when I got back this time he wasn’t happy to see I was pretty beat up. I don’t know how much longer he can keep this from my brothers and my father especially now that our family medic knows, had to stitch me up real good. 

It had been a long time since I’ve been shopping with Diego, considering he been the one charged with looking out for me we have been just about everywhere together. We went to these really nice places that sell kevlar motorcycle gear and clothes so if you crash real hard they protect you, so we went in and I picked a bunch of clothes to wear the next time I go on one of these.

I can feel it, I’m getting a lot stronger and I’m about to do so much more with this, but I can only seem to bring it on when I feel myself get red hot with determination and anger. I got so angry the other day when one of Mateos grease monkeys fucked with my car, I let myself explode and nearly killed him letting out a fast swing. Diego talked him down and got him medical attention, sat me down for a long talk about why I am doing this.

Only Ripley knows about my mom, I told Diego that she could talk to her once I get her body back to the family cemetery, the first time in a long time Diego saw me cry, he just reached over and hugged me– I know I needed that, but doesn’t change that I resisted it. I know I’m my fathers' pride and joy, but sometimes I think he forgets about me. He doesn’t like it, but he’s in it now and will help me in any way I need. I don’t want to scare Ripley, but I have Diego checking in on her every once in a while to make sure she stays ok until I get my mom's body back, at least I’m getting better at sign language, it’s making it easier to talk to her.