Turns out I'm deformed now. Apparently crashing through a windshield isn't exactly healthy for your body, or appearance in this case. On the other hand, I have superpowers now!

Really shitty superpowers.

The power? Giving an existential crisis, as if the supernatural isn't mind boggling enough, now I have to deal with cloning my consciousness and putting it into something. It apparently isn't "alive" or "me", but still, that's messed up. At least it's just a copy of what I wanted at the time of activation, so it can't really grow or think of anything else other than the objective. So my gift is really a bunch of dumb me. Ironically though, it's close to what I wanted. Supernatural physics, "knowing" more, and being in more places. Fuck, I wish I was with them.

Anyways, I digressed, back to procrastination. My thesis is done, so that's a plus. I mean, I didn't have much to finish in the first place. I also started another hobby, much to my parent's dismay. Swinging weapons around. I got online, looked up videos, signed up for practice, yada yada. All in all, trying to find the best person to teach me self-defense actually improved my information gathering a bit. Yeah, I might a gotten a bit overboard, but it was well worth it. I now know how to properly stab something!

Covering my involvement from the whole scenario was complicated to say the least, but Kyle's rich. I now have the creeping suspicion that money solves all problems.

Training was... a pain in my arse. The only thing supporting me was the thought of not getting mauled by giant horrific creatures and having my neck removed from the rest of my body. You usually don't forget what I saw that night.

Anyhow, my classes are starting soon again and I should probably get going. Hopefully I don't die.

I think I've calm down a bit from my fit. Hey! That rhymes. I just took care of some things, mainly sorting out my new property. Oh yeah, I'm a noble now. That son of an avacado, the Harbringer, gave me a castle.

A FREAKING CASTLE?!?

Perhaps I was in too much grief and trauma in my last recording, BUT A FREAKING CASTLE?!? How did I not acknowledge this in the utmost... shock?

Still, doesn't help the fact that I murdered two people.

I keep telling myself that they were the ones who accepted the offer for the extra reward, the two of them outvoted me. Both of them also ganged up on me. I- I tried my best to save them. Guarantee that all of us would live in the absurd terms that only one could live. Their wounds were already deteriorating at insane speeds. I had to do something to save us all, no matter the risk. Clinically dead counted as dead right?

But my best wasn't enough.

It never was.

Anyways, back to the whole "I'm a noble now" ordeal, I just checked the place out, and it's... overwhelming to say the least. Good thing is that I don't have to suffer being in the presence of my roommate ever again, bad thing? If I don't pay my student loans, they can take the castle and land away from me.

Fricking student loans.

Bloody student loans, not even magical Harbringers can stop the creeping grasp of student loans.

As for what I have been doing with my downtime?

Absolutely failing school.

But that's a problem for future me.

I also have been looking into training my vigilance.

I have to make sure that I don't get caught off my guard, the best way to win a fight is to not get into one.

Besides, I don't think I can bring myself to kill anymore.

I don't want to hurt anyone, so I have to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone.

But I will hurt someone to save my skin, because I'm a horrible person, a sickening excuse for a human.

I know deep down that it's my ego, my feelings of impotence when faced against the unexplainable that drove me to this point. My siblings death helped, but what really broke me into this shell of my former self was that feeling. That gut wrenching realization that my hard work, all the years pushing myself to be what my parents wanted me to be, was for nothing. I was helpless, like an infant floating on a raft, surrounded by sharks. If any of them wanted a piece of me, I could do nothing. I am scared.

The only way I know to crush that fear is to understand it. We are afraid of darkness, the unknown, because it is unknown.

I wish to make it known.

I wish, no, need to find the rules behind the impossible.

At least that's what I keep telling myself every night, to keep what semblance of sanity I have left in myself, lest it wander away and turn me into a monster.

So the next time I enter a contract, I pray that I won't have to tear out the last thing bridging my thoughts with reality.

Because I know that I just might do it.

And I hate that I know it.

Going into the past a bit, now that I have some time. Just finished my fourth contract by the way, so enjoy being spoiled! So you ask: "What were you doing after your third contract o' great Irwin?" The answer is quite simple, you see, I was getting equipment.

A shit ton of equipment.

It was all for preparing for my next contract after seeing how useful the night vision googles were. Fellow non-existant contractors, buy your freaking night vision googles. Oh, and don't forget lighters, burner phones, or flares. It is very complicated though, you have to click a whole 5 buttons!

Just buy them online.

You won't believe what they sell out there. Suuuure, I might be on several government watchlists or whatnot, but it'll be fine?

Other than that, I started working more with my perception, as I almost missed the "sneak attack" that occured that night. I also almost didn't realize how powerful cars were, ever since the car accident, I've been prone to shy away from such vehicles.

I've also noticed that I have been really just cataloging about my trauma and venting sadness in these, so I guess I'll try something new. I'll talk about what has been happening to me, in the non-supernatural scheme, recently. To summarize though, a shitshow. I have been basically abandoned by my parents at this point, and I honestly don't blame them that much for it. I dissapear and reappear with car crash wounds? I say I was drunk while driving. I dissapear and reappear again back unconsciouss? They start to suspect something. So I chose to leave. I dropped out of school, and haven't talked to my parents for a month now. I really am terrible, but I need this. 

I've managed to scrounge up some cash I had been saving up for a car, and tried to pay off part of my loans but my parents beat me to it. They thought it was something with pressure and my siblings death that pushed to be a, deliquent? I owe them a lot, and that night I couldn't sleep. I had to decide between being someone that was decent and came clean to my parents, or keep this secret buried deep in my heart. I was selfish, selfish after killing, selfish after near death. I chose to flip the coin. I feel hapless once more, useless even with supernatural powers. Perhaps that's what I am.

The whole castle situation has allowed me to earn money through renting it whilst it still remains as a home of sorts. I'm thinking of renovanting it as a motel or something of the such. 

I'm tired now, I'm ending the recording.

If worst comes to worst, I could do something immoral.

I feel like I'm too stressed now. I haven't had time to pursue any of my hobbies in... what almost half a year now? I'm all alone, in a castle, living out nothing, doing nothing but training. That's why I decided to actually do something.

I've been spending my time trying start up an "unsolved mysteries" Youtube channel! Yes, I understand that might not be first thing you'd expect, but hey, helps past the time and still lets me investigate to my hearts content. Plus with my whole appearance thing, I thought that this was the easiest way to actually interact with people socially. I've also started to reconcile with my parents much more now, frequently visiting them at time now. Hopefully that'll going somewhere. I also started on top of all that, playing some paintball with some people I can actually call my friends. The injured leg didn't help me be great at it, but hey, I managed. One of 'em was actually looking for a job and was an owner of a hostel before he moved, so I asked them if they wanted to help manage the castle-inn situation. 

What a sudden apperance of motivation!

I've also picked up a part-time job as an assistant teacher unexpectally, despite all of my disadvantages, my skills truimphed. I haven't worked much but I pray that I'll do well.

Back to the more grimm of things though, with some help from an assoiciate, I managed to get some materiels for homemade explosives. I'll probably never use those, but it's better to prepare than die. Besides, what happened last contract really taught me the importance of traps and explosives.

Hopefully the next contract will go great! I'm feeling less terrible now.

I was trapped in Nevada for eight days. Eight days worrying that my cover might be busted, I heard that the biker gang got hold of Kyle's Go-Pro, though I did wear the motorcycle helmet the whole time, I remember that Kyle yelled my name during the recording, I really need to be more careful about this. That's not my problem anymore, I'm back in my home. I have also been thinking recently, I've seen and gone through alot, but even with a life outside of contracts, I still can't figure out what I want, other than to understand the impossible.

And then it struck me.

Perhaps the futileness of all my acomplishments made me realize, that the life I was living wasn't the one I wanted to live. I wanted to understand why I was, why all of this was. Why nothing made sense, if there was a grander meaning to this cruel joke of a world. I want to live more, experience more, be more. I didn't want the grand accomplish of my life to be a failing to find the culprit to murder. I wanted to be able to crack the code, I want to be important.

If I wanted to figure out why my siblings died, why didn't I go for what other contractors were doing, speaking to the dead?

I don't understand myself, and that's what I want to find out first. Then I'll deduce out the impossible.

But hey, I'm no therapist, I probably go see one though.

I'll figure it all out someday, if I don't die.