I suppose I saw something like this coming. But, at the same time, I didn't know they would have this much audacity to be so upfront about it. Otoki's mother, my Aunt Shuki, tried to frame me for the poisoning and hospitalization for grandmother. It was clear from the beginning how this was rather obvious. But, it still sickens me that my own father took their side because I was 'being too harsh' and acting the wrong way towards family members. Surely their must be a limit to how useless he is? One would think. 

One would hope. 

I'm not sure what will actually happen, because it is very possible grandmother might just decide to not press charges. Given that she had a secret room with secret cameras, I do wonder how paranoid she actually is. And I wonder if it would be worth my time to try to make an ally in her. After all, who was the only person who actually sought justice in this? I wonder if she would see it that way. 

The stereotypical thing to say would be that it's 'too quiet' right? I know what I would have been doing before. I would have been at the big house or bothering everyone via text messages asking if there was anything I could do for them. I wonder if they have even noticed that I'm different now. I've been trying to practice with this weird...phone app situation. Nothing world-changing so far. It's strange how...normal and boring most people are. I had always imagined everyone else lived very exciting and fulfilling lives. But, no. It's all 'I cheated on my partner' or 'I cheated on an exam to get into university' or 'I stole $200 from my job.' It's all tiny petty shit. 

Maybe I've been thinking about this in an incomplete way. Maybe I also need to be thinking about how others can be used to my advantage instead of just worrying about what makes them vulnerable? Food for thought. 

I've done a lot of errands for dogs in the past, specifically the ones my relatives own. But, I think I'm starting to actively dislike them. Or maybe that's just me displacing my resentment. I think dog people are crazy. They get attached. And then they get irresponsible. Was this actually the harbinger's dog or someone else's? I could easily imagine this creature could cause unimaginable destruction if someone knew what they were doing. Makes me a little scared that I actually thought through some possibilities here. I wonder if there is something awful just deep, deep inside of me that I haven't been acting on this whole time. I'd bet it would be genetic. 

I feel like I...you know I'm getting more and more angry that my parents never did anything to protect me. They always just encouraged everyone else. I bet it was just because they were tired of being the scapegoats themselves. Maybe they even just had me to pass on this bullshit. 

I keep having nightmares. Maybe it's my body or my subconscious warning me about something that's going to happen? Well, things seem to be working out well with the new roommate. I got that cat door and the cat door window thing installed within the week. I ended up getting some cat flaps installed around most of the doors in my apartment as well. I think they like that. So basically they can go wherever they want. 

I wonder why things don't feel any different. I have these 'gifts' now but I still feel frightened and paranoid all of the time. I guess even powers can't change who you are on the inside. And it's hard to believe I could actually rely on any of the people I've been working with outside of a 'mission.' Everyone is struggling to survive. Been having some dark thoughts lately. I wonder if it actually was worth it. 

Well, no one has come to kill me, yet. I do worry if they'll just start sending me and everyone else on contracts that can't be 'won' and that are just going to kill us. I think that's what happened to the other guy. Could just be my paranoia, but I don't know what else to think. After all, he wrote it down. There is no way to tell if he actually thought it a bunch or maybe he was smarter than me. I remember when this first started that I wondered if this was just some sort of entertainment to them. And now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the best read on this as I'll ever get. 

How do I...remain safe? I've already decided I don't really care what this is or what they are as long as it can help me and it isn't a massive screw-over. So I need to figure out how I can not put a giant target on my face here. 

I think that this Contracting thing is fundamentally dangerous. And I am not saying that because of the powers themselves. From what I can gather, and what seems safe to write or think, the Harbingers seek out people who are desperate for power for one way or another. And desperate people are fundamentally more dangerous than ones who are not. Combine that with the fact that these powers and missions can very well be deadly (Take Orange and The Doctor for example) and you basically have an informal anime tournament arc. 

Where there are winners, there also have to be losers. I think I wrote in the beginning that I wondered if this wasn't just some cosmic entertainment for the Harbingers--or someone else that they work for. And I don't think I've seen a ton of information that would lead me to believe otherwise. Haven't seen Lou recently. Hopefully they're fine. 

Is it dumb that I was more worried about this than going into a contract where I might have to kill someone? I visited grandmother. I guess she hadn't been aware of what everyone was doing, at least in terms of the aunties and my cousins. And she isn't happy about it. I essentially have a few options moving forward. I can keep the painting as a hobby and go forward with getting an MBA or I can try to be everything on the art. 

Well, I can make the art choice in the future. I don't even know what 'my own art' would even look like at this point. But, I know I can start looking at schools. So I may as well start looking into what's close to home. It's not like I have a full time thing going with the contracts. If anything, doing a few on the side might give me an edge until I finish the program.