I'm trying to make amends.

I'm trying to fix what's broke

I'm rectifying my mistakes

[No, no, Justin told me to use more "hopeful language"...]

I'm trying to get my relationship with Luke somewhere. We don't usually talk other than to confirm that he's received his monthly allowance and discuss borrowing the car. The latter never really happened ever since he (somehow) acquired his motorcycle, but in the past few months, he's been borrowing it more consistently. I wasn't sure why he'd need it when he goes to places alone, but then I realized it's probably because he has friends that he wants to travel with. I'm a little annoyed because he'll return the car now and then and the backseat has traces of all sorts of weird liquids, but hey, I'm just glad he has friends and they all trust each other.

We never hang out in the sense of going out of our way to spend time with each other. I don't think we've ever properly hung out since after Eomma's death, and that was four years ago. Since then, our physical conversations have been about bills or paperwork and occasionally what's happened that week, but we've never had a proper sit-down, Lily and Luke talk. 

Until a few days ago, when Luke asked me out of the blue if he could drive me to court and we could watch a trial together.

It initially took me quite aback. The image of Luke and 'court' is rather worrying because I'm pretty sure he's an expert at running and hiding from law enforcement. Then the whole "watching a trial" part confused me because I didn't think the people we know who'd commit crimes could ever get caught. Then I learned that the reason he wanted to watch a trial was because his politics class this semester required him to for a writing assignment, and he didn't have any friends in the class he could comfortable go with.

... And then I wondered why he would call me, his emotionally distant sister who he sees far less than his classmates, to watch the trial with him. I didn't ask him that yet, though, because it probably would've scared him. I could tell he was surprised I even agreed to drive him, let alone watch with him, but I happened to be completely free for one whole day that week and I figured I must start doing something about the distance between us.

And so I picked him up from SFU, awkwardly and silently drove downtown to the Supreme Court of BC, followed him around as he looked for the courtroom of the trial, and more awkwardly sat down with him for the next 3 hours. It was one of the first few trials for a murder that took place years ago but was heavily muddied due to its connection with a drug ring and gang violence. The nature of the act sounds exciting, but the trial we attended was purely questioning of a crown witness who had nothing to do with the act itself but was implicated due to his relation with the accused perpetrator. It was kind of a snoozefest, all things considered, but nonetheless, I took notes as they got into the nitty-gritty of the accused's violent actions. If there's something I'm going to take away from a new experience it's at least going to have to be relevant to my career as a contractor.

Afterward, we decided to get ramen together at this relatively famous ramen store nearby. It was on the drive there that we started to speak a little more regarding the case, but it was clear that it was just to break the long silence of the past few hours. We calmly parked nearby, queued and put in our orders, sat down, and received our ramen in 20 minutes of even more awkward silence.

[Luke is in red text; Lily is in grey text]

"Hi--" "Hi."

Pause.

"How are you--" "How are you?"

Pause.

"Ah, shit--" "You go first." "No, you can go first--" "Please, I insist. I want to know exactly how you're doing."

Another pause. He looks up at me with a puzzled expression as if it was weird for me to say such a thing, and I can't blame him. I've never insisted on checking up on him like this. I don't even know if I'm doing it right. I offer a small smile trying to nudge him into it, and I don't have any idea if it's working, but then he nods and starts speaking.

"Uhm, I'm doing pretty well. I'm still drinking and smoking cigs and weed but other than that I'm clean from everything else. Haven't done anything completely illegal. I go to all of my classes unless I'm sick, but I'm also rarely sick. I'm staying out of trouble."

He ends it there and goes back to his ramen with a look of unease. I tilt my head and frown a bit. I'm glad that he's fine, but surely, that isn't everything that's been going on?

"Are you sure that's all?" "What do you mean 'are you sure that's all'? I'm not causing any trouble for anybody anymore."

"No no, that's not what I meant!" I'm a little panicked. "As in, I'm happy that you're doing alright in terms of your health and security! What I meant to ask is how you're doing in regards to, uh, school? Friends? Hobbies, maybe?"

Now it's his turn to look panicked. "Why are you asking me about that?"

"Can't your noona just want to know about your life?" I frown even more, which in hindsight was not a great reaction, but I got a bit frustrated. "We haven't seen each other in so long and I realized I never even bothered to check up on you as you made this drastic switch to university, and I feel really bad about that."

"The switch to university wasn't drastic because I've basically always been alone."

Pause. The tension in the air is as thick as the ramen broth. I freeze as I'm holding the spoon up to my mouth.

Shit.

"It's just... every time people and especially you have asked me how I'm doing, it's just to make sure I'm not passing out in a fucking back alley in the dead of the night anymore." He purses his lips as he looks down dejectedly, struggling to meet my eyes. "You've never really shown interest in what I'm up to outside of my immediate health. It would've been nice to get a message now and then to remind me that you're my sister and not just someone who sends me money."

We sit in that silence for a little bit. He awkwardly goes back to eating his ramen, while I kind of just stare into mine, thinking.

"I'm sorry."

He pauses again.

"I'm sorry, too." Swallows. "I know you're just extremely busy and we're not used to talking like this, I shouldn't make these demands--"

"No, no, it's not your fault that I've been a really bad sister. Do not apologize for my shitty actions. My schedule is not an excuse to not check up on you. You can, and should make these demands because all I really wanted to do was make you happy, but clearly, I haven't been doing it at all."

I take a deep breath. This communication shit is really hard, but it's the least I can do. "I want to start doing it now. Properly. Talk to you, and all. I've proven to be really bad at it but I still want to try."

He lights up at that and finally looks at me, and it is here that I realize just how much he's changed since I last took a proper look at him. His hair is longer, brushing past his shoulders and tied into a half-bun in the back, his fringe falling over his eyes. His two-toned blue and brown eyes are brighter than they used to be, and his actions are less pained and rugged and more quick and fluid. It's easy to say that it's because he's much healthier, but it's also clear that the environment he's in is making him happy, and slowly but surely filling him back up with life.

I smile at him again, this time wider and more genuinely. We make substantial eye contact and he finally smiles back at me. I realize then that it's easier for him to smile now, like it doesn't pain him anymore.

"Well, if you insist, then..."

I listen intently as he starts talking about himself, a little slowly and awkwardly at first, then gradually getting quicker and more animated. He's doing incredibly well in all of his classes, boasting straight A-pluses in his Criminology classes and consistent As in everything else. He lives in a building that's considered really shitty by everyone, but he personally really likes the more run-down vibes because they're more familiar. Fucking hates the dining hall food, though, and he sometimes wishes he could have my special homecooked tteokbokki again, so I offered to send him some whenever I'm in the area. He's taking a lighter course load over the summer to give him time to find a proper job again. He gets most animated when talking about his friends, and I can't help but grin as I hear the good people he's around. He's best friends with a girl from his law class in his first semester who talked mad shit with him and now they're inseparable. He's also best friends with someone who lives on his floor because he accidentally found out their deepest secret and felt like he had to be friends with them to keep it safe.

I try to ask about his love life because Luna once said conversations about that are the funniest, but Luke hesitates and doesn't say much other than "I'm trying my best." I remember how horrendously his love life has tended to be and apologize for prying into it in our very first proper conversation in a while, but he laughs at that and says he'll update me if things go right.

In exchange for his updates on his life, I, too, offer updates on mine. I tell him a few anecdotes from my EMT job, and he has to resist laughing when I describe the most recent one at SFU where the kids got crossfaded because it turns out that he knows a few of them. I tell him about my new bubble tea job and give him the address in case he's ever in the area. I tell him how nursing school's been going, that I'm thriving in all my classes but I'm still studying as much as possible, and that's when he tells me that I should probably take it easier because the stress could screw up my performance one day. I reply to that by saying it's never been a problem, but he says that just because it's never been a problem doesn't mean it could never be a problem, and I stop for a moment to think that shit, he's right.

We chat a little bit more about more casual things, never pausing to stop anymore because there's so much for us to catch up on and no amount of free time could ever be enough to scratch even the surface of the things we don't know. Eventually, the day comes to an end, and I drive him back to SFU Residence, where he is greeted by a much shorter boy who kind of resembles that one Joseph kid I used to always see at my boba shop. Luke and I go in for a hug in the car, the awkwardness coming back because neither of us was ever particularly a fan of touch, but it felt fitting for the day. 

He leaves the car to meet the boy who just scoffs at him, and before I pull out of the parking lot, he turns around and mouths "Annyeong!" with a wide grin. For a moment, he looks like a kid again, the same kid who used to shred toy guitars with me in our living room. But he shreds real guitars now, and he's not at all a kid anymore, and hasn't been for a while. He's grown now, and as much as he will always be my baby brother in my eyes, I need to treat him like an equal.

That night when I drive home, I am filled with ease. It is the first time in a long time that I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe things can finally be alright between us.