At this point I was going to have to buy fireproof coats straight from the warehouse. 

More importantly, I finally got to the advisor after a few weeks of talking to multiple people (dropped my major-related classes and switched to Engineering, MSE specifically); I feel like from dealing with bureaucracy alone I got a million times better at speaking, but I really wouldn't know unless I actually bothered to chat with whoever decided to pay attention to me. Hard luck.

Why Engineering? I find that numbers and machines are a lot easier to look at compared to the amount of times I've tried to give people the benefit of doubt with everything I've learnt in Crim classes. Understanding what the Oedipus complex is doesn't make me any less disgusted at it. Sure, this throws me right back into the Asian math geek archetype, and my graduation has been set back, but I figured I'd put the DIY skills to use. I've been taking related electives anyway. 

Koriol was the first to find out, having been in the area dealing with some transcript errors. The moment he locked onto my existence he closed in like a homing missile, and of course the first question he asked was whether Caliose was around. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. He wasn't going to pester her today. Did he really think she'd be around me 24/7? She has her own stuff to do; she doesn't even go here. I only saw her a couple times per month as it were, though I also rarely ran into Koriol or anyone we knew because midterms were ramping up. 

Except he hung around me anyway, and as long as he stayed quiet like this, I wasn't going to complain. It's been a long few days and a bit of familiarity around isn't unwelcome. Still, why did he ask if Caliose was around, if he was just going to hang out with me?

I sighed and turned to him as we stepped out of the building. "Look, being around me won't gain you any favours with Caliose."

He tilted his head.

Why did he look so... confused?

"I know."

Whatever. I needed to go home and redo my entire degree planning sheet now. It really didn't help that Koriol had to take the same bus (this part wasn't him being creepy; his townhouse was legitimately along the route). And I didn't feel like sitting in awkward silence for an hour, so like any intelligent individual, I sat down with him at a Pho place on campus. Something was weird today; normally Koriol would never stop yapping about anything and everything. The only difference was that I was the only person here, but was I so scary that he'd just immediately shut up? I'd have been proud of myself if not for the fact that this was actually incredibly strange. 

As much as I complained about him, it's not like we didn't get along. We had a common circle of friends (though Hezalea was hardly what I'd call a friend) and I personally haven't argued with anyone yet. Good enough, right? Honestly, Koriol wasn't half bad whenever he wasn't interacting with other girls. We had productive conversations, if only about academics or our limited understanding of pop culture. His family worked in PR so he was familiar enough with the system to help me sometimes. I don't know, I rarely tell people much about myself unless they ask. It was probably a protective response that I developed, considering the neighbourhoods I had lived in before moving to Canada. 

This made me wonder if I really knew anyone in the friend group at all.

...Maybe I should start talking to people. It really has nothing to do with how much I care about societal standards. This is just... normal human interaction.

I don't think I can fool myself any longer. 

I've had nightmares about this for weeks, it's not even funny. The more the adrenaline wears off, the more I find wrong with the entire situation. Of course I feel bad about putting Lily on the spot like that - is it bad to say this isn't the worst part? 

Superlatives aside, it's so easy to brush it off when people brag about their first kiss and their first... whatevers, but now I realize there's something truly wrong with me because I dread telling anyone about this. Or, I'm just a decent person who doesn't see girls as bragging righ- 

I didn't ask for consent.

Of course in that situation it's not possible, and I guess it didn't count in the first place, and so... am I supposed to be so stuck on this whole thing? I doubt she'd think much of it. Or she hates me and will find a way to kill me no matter how much she's against killing anyone because I've proven to be worse than the most pathetic morsel on Earth-

God, why couldn't I be like the other dudes? They seem to be having a blast. Maybe if I didn't feel so unnaturally disgusted by the frat-

What am I saying. Even SFU refuses to recognize Greek life, I'm not even going to begin humouring those groups either. 

What am I going to tell Koriol?

Er... Caliose. 

What am I going to tell Caliose.

"Hey, so I kissed a girl but it wasn't really a kiss because we didn't really have that kind of physical contact but there was a bit of contact but only-" She wouldn't care. She wouldn't give a damn who I kissed as long as I didn't make the girl uncomfortable. Or at least, that's what I think she'd say. Haven't ever talked to her about romance because she's bound to start talking about Hezalea and even if I've accepted that truth, I'd still very much rather stay away from people's love lives. 

Why am I talking as if any of this mattered? It was just a diversion tactic borne out of contract mishaps. 

It meant... nothing. 

I felt nothing besides pure fear. I don't think I've ever even considered kissing Caliose. I say there are reasons I didn't want us to live together but are there, really? Sometimes it feels like my crush on her isn't really a crush at all. Sometimes it feels like, with her, I'm only captivated by the mystery surrounding her - or rather, surrounding... the thing that acts like her.

Who am I kidding? She's stopped being Caliose the day she came up to me feigning amnesia. I knew, I knew from the start, but I held on anyway because who knows when someone will care again. 

And I shouldn't dwell if I only want her around because she fuels my self esteem. I don't think I actually like girls in that way. At this point I don't think I like anyone that way. Maybe that's better for me. But something still doesn't feel right. I'm missing an important piece of the puzzle and I'm hesitating on everything I do because I can't stop second-guessing myself.

Nothing feels right as of now.

I'm trying to understand, trust me, I am.

I just wish things weren't so complicated. 

I wish feelings were as easy to understand as the ashes of the Firebird in the air.

Also, I started driving lessons.

And Minecraft. Jacob is satisfactory at following up with things. Good thing he hasn't asked about what happened when the group split. To be fair we were talking about more serious things like his whole... surveillance thing. Didn't believe I could meet someone more paranoid than I was. 

Been a while. I wonder if Koriol played Minecraft. He probably didn't have time for such trivial things. Not to mention it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to create any connection between him and this entire situation at hand. As many connections as he might have (purely speculation on my part) I doubt he'd be safe when it comes to the entire system coming at his throat. 

It's also surprising enough that he'd talk to me in the first place, considering how rarely I hang out with Caliose nowadays (both in order to keep her safe, and to avoid having to look her in the eye). Recently she's become much more reckless than before. Even without any of this going on, I'm worried enough about her that I'd start yelling at her if I saw her anytime soon. She tried to jump out into the road to save a crow.

Apparently it was because I liked birds. 

Apparently it was because I told her about her heroic streak from our time in Japan, as if she suddenly remembered she liked saving lives. I think I know why I can't handle hearing Lily go on about the value of life now.

But she can't throw her own away just because I pointed out that she'd always consider other people until it killed her. She can't put the blame on me for saying anything about it - before anything else she's still my friend - how did she think I'd feel, seeing her dive into the first sign of danger? This was the same person who told me to "live". Or maybe not. 

And of course, Koriol noticed the tension between us right away. He only came up to me after Caliose went home. He didn't try to pry, but I could tell he was worried. Still smiling, but worried. He thought we were close.

Ha.

I think about that sometimes. 

I wonder what it means.

“Where did you go off to?” How do I tell him that knowledge kills people?

He probably knows that much. Koriol isn't stupid - he's the last person I'd use that descriptor for. If anything he's been catching on from the start. 

I'd never pride myself in being noticeable, but Koriol notices everyone. He knows the ins and outs of people's behaviors and he knows for sure that, as much as I stay away from socializing, as much as I openly reject social etiquette, I wouldn't just leave a friend behind. I wonder if he thinks - knows - I actually care to some extent. If he asks, I'd rather die than admit it, but I do. There are many things I would never tell him, specifically. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to suffer. It'd be selfish of me if I did.

And then Jacob proceeds to ask whether I'm freaky. What gave him that idea? He's totally self-projecting - 

Speaking of Jacob, the very fact that I'm interacting with him has probably put me on some sort of list. Nowadays I don't have much to hide, but it doesn't mean I get to relax whenever I go somewhere. At some point he asks Lily and I for help and we ended up going all the way to Coquitlam for a midnight picnic. On the way there we had… quite the experience. I'm pretty sure Lily's brother is involved in some secret tryst, and Jacob has this thing where he starts talking about himself in the third person. He was very beaten up - half of his face was bandaged for the longest time. It was stressful. I didn't know how long it'd take before Lily would decide it isn't worth it to keep any of us alive. It's hard riding in the same car, especially after what happened two months ago. Thankfully it ended with all of us alive, and with Jacob’s new… cosmetics. 

…Maybe I should go stargazing again. Koriol would like that.

I can never tell if he's joking. 

Maybe it's the fact that he's texting in the group chat. Maybe it's the fact that just because I notice things, doesn't mean I know how to read the room. I'm socially awkward, I'm closed off, what more can I say?

But there comes a point where I start to see things - things that may not even exist. It's like seeing a ghost. I can't tell if it was really there or if I'm overthinking and over analyzing as usual. That's what I'm primed to do; I was a Crim student, and my childhood friend was incredibly intent on giving even the smallest details a thousand words. Does it justify the assumption that Koriol meant what I thought he did? That message could've been for anyone. I checked. I fucking checked. I had to make sure. But of course my mind’s started making excuses: “He's lying, he’s a good liar.” “He has no reason to lie, you sicko.” “You were the only one online at the time.” “But this is a group chat with all our friends; why would he be serious?” 

I told myself that I wouldn't rush. I told myself that things never end well when I'm the one pursuing anything. I doubt Koriol even knows me enough, nor do I know him. He… probably likes Caliose. That's what I've been telling myself. It's torturing me but I'm used to it. But when it causes me to tremble for two hours straight (if only it were the cold, I'm sensitive to the cold, but it wasn't the cold because I turned the heat on thinking I was freezing but it wasn't that, dammit), ramping up with every tick of the clock, I start to hate myself more than I did before. It shouldn't be like this. It's all too familiar because my chest is buzzing and it's like I'm having a panic attack and it has to stop. How do I make it stop? The only thing that's worked has been to tell the person. 

I didn't do it well. I don't do anything well. Probably caused more harm than good. I've ruined the friendship. I liked this friendship, I'll admit. I wouldn't have said anything if it meant we could stay friends. I mean, I'm always jabbing at him, I wouldn't be friends with me if I had the choice. The trembling has stopped but at what cost? Now I'm fucking scared. I don't expect anything to come out of this, I don't expect anything from him, not even an answer, I wish I could tell him this. But the right thing to do is to give him space. I never prioritized romance. I just had to get rid of the trembles. I couldn't lose sleep over this, I've got classes to worry about, but did I consider that he also had stuff to do?

God.

I am needed. I think about that sometimes.

I'm told that I... Understand.

That's a lot of faith he places in me, but I'd hate to stand in the same place of whatever or whoever he considers his God to be. Whatever he thinks I am, I'm not. Never was. Can never be. I wish it were easier to just go along with everything said to me, but I cannot, in good conscience, accept what I don't fully believe.

At some point Koriol stopped and told me that putting someone on a pedestal only forces them to look down on me. I couldn't ask what he meant. I could only ruminate on it, and consider what I've done to warrant that comment. In the end I think I can comprehend the overall message, but part of me is still afraid I'm wrong. It's what Jacob's doing to me, isn't it? It's what I did to Caliose, it's what I've probably been doing to Koriol. Bared my feelings to a guy I don't really know on an emotional level. There's an inherent expectation that he'd be fine hearing those words.

He's been distant nowadays, and I can only imagine the turmoil in his mind. We haven't talked about what I said to him. It's fine if he never will. I can't even treat my own friends right, what could Jacob possibly expect from me? How in the world do his ghosts expect me to help him in his work if I'm incapable of doing anything? All I do is act on my impulses. I think, I do, but does it ever lead me in the right direction? No. In the end my emotions take reign and I'd actually end up hurting or killing him more than whatever his burden is doing now.

There's something off about that necklace. But it also seems important. I wish it wasn't. 

Hezalea has been gone for a while. 

One day Koriol calls me - he never does, so what's changed?

He looks... frazzled. A mess.  He can't tell me what's going on. I can tell it has something to do with Hezalea. On the news, found in California, tied to a bunch of murders. He asks if I know how she is - how would I? He's about to say something but he stops himself. I let slip that just because she's related to me in some messed up way doesn't mean I'd magically have some sort of connection to her. 

Koriol's known that for a while already. But he's not asking because of this. Apparently Hezalea disappears sometimes and he's found that I do the same thing too. He's asking me to come back. What does that mean? I'm right here. 

He doesn't want the same thing to happen to me too. His eyes are darting everywhere. I'd like to say he's blowing this out of proportion but with what happened to Jacob? I was lucky. Next time, maybe not as great. Had to replace my phone. 

But it's more than just worry. I've seen this exact look before. Not just on Koriol, but...

I used to joke that Jacob was like someone I knew, because he was fruity.

Not anymore. It's uncanny. It's terrifying. I can barely stand on my own two feet. I grab onto a tree for support.

"Have you... done something bad before, Koriol?"

I don't know why that was the first thing I thought to ask, but it was fitting.

He didn't answer.

He didn't answer my question, but he did say something else.

"Don't confess your feelings for someone you barely know."

This is another set of words I'm bound to remember. 

I'm taking it as a yes, that he's made a huge mistake - mistake? Why am I making excuses for him? He's done something horrible and that's why he's not even trying to tell me or anyone else that Hezalea is innocent in all of this. He wouldn't be able to believe himself. He's a good liar but this is where he draws the line. Hezalea never cared to paint herself in a good light either. 

He asks me what I'd do if he really had committed something truly horrible. How do I tell him? God.

What does it all mean?

Everyone around me is a false version of themselves. They're liars and they can't hide it to save their lives. They'd be persecuted and they wouldn't even defend themselves. Just... diverge to another topic. 

It also brings to question, 

How important is Jacob to me, if I can still tolerate everyone else?

I hate this.

Why couldn't people just stop being so... complicated.

But I'm choosing to stay near them anyway, even as I'm inevitably dragged into mess after mess. I have no excuse. Maybe I do have to admit it now.

I care about you guys. Stop sacrificing yourselves as if your absence is going to save more people.

I still want to kill that fed, but if I'm given some other option? ...I'll consider it.

I remember.

I still remember.

Your smile haunts me in my sleep. It reminds me of times far worse than this, yet upon further thought, I can't say this isn't just as bad. What do you want from me? What could you possibly want if you don't even have a clue as to who you are? You can't say that wasn't you - it was based upon you, the same visage that curses and spells the ruin of lives through deceit and forgery. You tried to hurt me and failed so miserably that all I can do is laugh.

See how you try to convince me that you're not just some skinwalker prowling the streets.

I've seen that very same grin on your face, it's nothing new but it scares me every time. I can't let this go on any further. It's made too big of a wave in my life. It burns. This has to stop. You said this was for the greater good - I can't trust that it wasn't the other you talking, but it's all too... you. It's so easy to predict what you'll do, what you'll say, so easy to mimic the words and actions of a self-flagellating martyr. You think I haven't done the same things? Thought I could rid the world of evil if I was dealt with. Thought I was the source of it all, because why else would my life have been so miserable? If everyone around me seemed like the problem, I would've been the common denominator. It doesn't work that way. I know this now - it took me years to come to terms with it. It still comes back to bite me from time to time. I can't bear to watch it happen all over again.

All for the greater good? Let me be selfish, just this once.

"You" claim to be the clown, the League, the lives you've ruined and hurt. "You" claim to be the only ones who know, the only ones with the power to change what has been wrought. The hubris is unbelievable. You're only human as long as you remain in my gaze. I won't lie and say I understand what you're going through, or that I have the one-stop solution to all of this - I never will. But so long as I'm around, I might as well do what I believe is right. I could be wrong. I would most likely be wrong. You might even hate me after this. But I'd never forgive myself for standing there and letting you "use" me and proceed to toss me away like you never told me I was the only one you could talk to. I'll be here but not in the way "you" hope. Better than acting like you have to give everything up to do whatever you wanted to do.

Your name has bled into my life for far too long. I see your ghost in the faces I know. I doubt you think of us as any more than coworkers.

...Dammit.

I didn't think it through.

That's how it's always been. I think a lot, but never about the right things - if I come up with a plan it goes awry and I'm stuck stumbling blindly between the lines. But as always I thought I had it under control - but this was Jacob we were talking about. Predictable as he might be, there's something lurking that I still can't pinpoint. It certainly isn't human. It's not supposed to exist, but who am I to declare who "belongs"?

The plan was simple. Go, make him fall asleep, take the necklace, leave. And maybe eat something.

I forgot to account for if he'd stashed it in that locker of his. I saw it in use - had I forgotten?

They'd never let him act so carelessly. 

My next plan? Same as before, but I'd stage a struggle and a message on my Notes app. I'd leave a drop or two of blood to pretend someone else had taken me and the necklace. So I tried again a bit after that. I thought he'd pull it out. I could see them - the spirits, the ghosts, the guilt, whatever they called themselves. I really don't care. I just want them gone.

But...

But then he said-

God. He told me, "We're done." 

It affected me far worse than I could imagine. I set a tree on fire. The words rang in my ears and I thought I was going to go deaf from it. What was that supposed to mean? We were never anything. He made it sound like a breakup and I haven't even had a relationship yet - not to mention he's like 30. To be fair that probably wasn't Jacob talking, but that just further motivated me to wipe them off this plane of existence. 

So where was the necklace?

Of course it was never the necklace. It was just wishful thinking that led me to think...

But this is the real world. You can't use magic to solve someone's mental issues this easily. Exorcisms are a different story. Do I still have friends back in HK that might know more? Hm... It's been years... but I've never erased their numbers either.

I could've killed him then and there. It would've been so easy. Should've required nothing but my knife. But I couldn't. I lodged it in a tree instead. It wasn't the time. Jacob is... a friend. That word is warm, safely warm, like a protective blanket cocoon made to shield from all the cold in the world. I can only hope he meant that in the moment. That's all I can expect for now.

Can't guarantee that he'll keep his promises, but if things are as they seem, I'll have to kill him later on. I wonder what I'd prefer by then - for 'him' to fight back, or for him to go peacefully?

Then he asked about... me. My past. He's one of the only people to, besides Koriol. Yet another parallel. Seriously, I'm going to go insane if Koriol becomes a Contractor too.

Yet in the end... I will make it through this. I should. I'm not doing these jobs for other people after all.

. . .

Deep in the recesses of his mind, Zephyren has burned a seemingly random set of characters into the flesh:

xJcL265v

DO NOT FORGET.

Live. It's the worst curse that's ever been put on me - and now I've placed it upon Jacob as if telling a man to live is enough to keep him going. I can't just assume my own experience would apply to anyone else. Caliose meant more to me than what I am to Jacob. She was there and she had dreams and she was brave enough to share them with me and ask me if I wanted to join her. I couldn't disappoint her. I promised. And what am I without the promises I make? Nothing.

I have to see it through. 

It's not a recent realization, but recent occurrences have rekindled this fact. I was losing sight of it - am I so dumb as to forget the moment she's not there to remind me? How low have I stooped? How far have I fallen? Climb back up. Rise from the ashes. This is my revival. Do not squander the founding of a new reason.

I wouldn't call myself foolish for taking it to heart, but I am a fool for acting like that's the only thing that pushes me to keep going. However, I've been acting for so long that it's become an absolute truth that strangles me in its iron grasp - it's a narrative I must keep up if I don't want to lose traction. It's a fire I need to fuel or I'll lose everything.

I don't want to lose everything.

There's... so much left to lose. I just can't do it. No wonder I failed to take any big risks. Call it self-preservation all I want but in reality it's just plain paranoia and I hate it so much. Why am I like this? First sign of danger and I freeze up. The smallest threat, the subtlest glare and I find my nerves going cold. But what's the point - am I really living if I refuse to take liberties? (Well, if I'm dead I won't have the chance to risk myself in the first place.) 

So, why do I keep going?

I have a reason to.

Why do I think that?

Because that's how it was from the start. I go through each day with a goal in mind and that keeps me afloat.

What next, then? After I meet my goals?

Find more reasons. Keep finding them because I shouldn't give myself time to think of anything else. I don't know - get a degree, get a job, try to make something new, go back to uni, get a higher degree or go into a different program, meet friends, keep going on contracts, keep going, keep going, keep going because my life depends on it.

Why wouldn't I want any time to achieve inner peace?

Because there is no peace awaiting me besides the silence of death. This 'will to survive' has become yet another obsession and I'm terrified of what I'll become without it. If I am to live aimlessly then I would only be alive. I don't want to do that - I'm not a hypocrite, not for that, never for that-

Why not?

Why? Leave me alone, Koriol.

He's the one who always asks the simple two-worded question, and I am never able to give a real answer. Nor can he. Speaking of, I hadn't seen him in a while. He's been worried sick about Hezalea, and with her recent return, it's no wonder the first thing he does is go home. I doubt things between them will ever be the same considering what she is, yet he still sticks around her. Makes me wonder if I'll ever have a friend that cares about me in that way. Maybe I do. Maybe I did. Maybe that's why I'm still here and I don't want to leave and I don't want to lose the very reason-

I think I've made a grave mistake. One in the millions of mistakes I've made so far, but one that makes me stop in my tracks nonetheless. I keep telling people to do things when I myself can barely handle any of it. I've done it - did I execute it well? Not at all.

I also realize I sound very calm when I describe all of this. Calm as I could be. Relatively. Doesn't sound like I'm spiraling, does it? 

Good.

I am levelheaded. I have to be.

Because this isn't just... anger.

I think... I understand. Not completely - probably not ever, but at least there's an inkling that pricks at me in my most delirious moments. I lie awake, aware of all the ruin I've wrought - I am both the destruction and the debris.

I am afraid.