I finally went shopping. 

Not even for groceries; after class I immediately headed to the nearest thrift store to scrounge for what survival gear people decided they didn't need. I've gone thrifting before; at some point some acquaintances had dragged me along and I came out of that outing with a few bags’ worth of new things. There were a lot of things. Maybe more than I needed, but it was sparkly and I liked sparkly things a bit more than I realized. 

This time I found scrubs.

I don't know why people donated those, but it was mildly amusing to try them on. They were a bit oversized so they fit very well over my hoodie. 

But more importantly, I found a fireproof jacket. I don't know why someone would donate such a useful item, but I guess not everyone deals with fire this often. Fine.

Besides that, I grabbed a few more utility items and went home. This was supposed to be the easier part, but it still took be two hours to decide which flashlight I would like the most. People threw out flashlights very often, it seems. 

The more difficult part was getting a weapon. I couldn't really defend myself with just a knife; everyone else had guns and I constantly felt the inkling that I was missing out. Of course it wasn't as easy as it looked in the movies either; I had to go through so many people in the shadows of downtown Vancouver to even gain enough trust to see a gun. There was no way I could go the aboveboard route from how many background checks it required (and the idea of them asking Caliose about me was unsettling), so I had to stick with this plan.

Eventually I bought one, which put quite a dent in my savings. I hope this was worth it.

At this point I was going to have to buy fireproof coats straight from the warehouse. 

More importantly, I finally got to the advisor after a few weeks of talking to multiple people (dropped my major-related classes and switched to Engineering, MSE specifically); I feel like from dealing with bureaucracy alone I got a million times better at speaking, but I really wouldn't know unless I actually bothered to chat with whoever decided to pay attention to me. Hard luck.

Why Engineering? I find that numbers and machines are a lot easier to look at compared to the amount of times I've tried to give people the benefit of doubt with everything I've learnt in Crim classes. Understanding what the Oedipus complex is doesn't make me any less disgusted at it. Sure, this throws me right back into the Asian math geek archetype, and my graduation has been set back, but I figured I'd put the DIY skills to use. I've been taking related electives anyway. 

Koriol was the first to find out, having been in the area dealing with some transcript errors. The moment he locked onto my existence he closed in like a homing missile, and of course the first question he asked was whether Caliose was around. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. He wasn't going to pester her today. Did he really think she'd be around me 24/7? She has her own stuff to do; she doesn't even go here. I only saw her a couple times per month as it were, though I also rarely ran into Koriol or anyone we knew because midterms were ramping up. 

Except he hung around me anyway, and as long as he stayed quiet like this, I wasn't going to complain. It's been a long few days and a bit of familiarity around isn't unwelcome. Still, why did he ask if Caliose was around, if he was just going to hang out with me?

I sighed and turned to him as we stepped out of the building. "Look, being around me won't gain you any favours with Caliose."

He tilted his head.

Why did he look so... confused?

"I know."

Whatever. I needed to go home and redo my entire degree planning sheet now. It really didn't help that Koriol had to take the same bus (this part wasn't him being creepy; his townhouse was legitimately along the route). And I didn't feel like sitting in awkward silence for an hour, so like any intelligent individual, I sat down with him at a Pho place on campus. Something was weird today; normally Koriol would never stop yapping about anything and everything. The only difference was that I was the only person here, but was I so scary that he'd just immediately shut up? I'd have been proud of myself if not for the fact that this was actually incredibly strange. 

As much as I complained about him, it's not like we didn't get along. We had a common circle of friends (though Hezalea was hardly what I'd call a friend) and I personally haven't argued with anyone yet. Good enough, right? Honestly, Koriol wasn't half bad whenever he wasn't interacting with other girls. We had productive conversations, if only about academics or our limited understanding of pop culture. His family worked in PR so he was familiar enough with the system to help me sometimes. I don't know, I rarely tell people much about myself unless they ask. It was probably a protective response that I developed, considering the neighbourhoods I had lived in before moving to Canada. 

This made me wonder if I really knew anyone in the friend group at all.

...Maybe I should start talking to people. It really has nothing to do with how much I care about societal standards. This is just... normal human interaction.

I don't think I can fool myself any longer. 

I've had nightmares about this for weeks, it's not even funny. The more the adrenaline wears off, the more I find wrong with the entire situation. Of course I feel bad about putting Lily on the spot like that - is it bad to say this isn't the worst part? 

Superlatives aside, it's so easy to brush it off when people brag about their first kiss and their first... whatevers, but now I realize there's something truly wrong with me because I dread telling anyone about this. Or, I'm just a decent person who doesn't see girls as bragging righ- 

I didn't ask for consent.

Of course in that situation it's not possible, and I guess it didn't count in the first place, and so... am I supposed to be so stuck on this whole thing? I doubt she'd think much of it. Or she hates me and will find a way to kill me no matter how much she's against killing anyone because I've proven to be worse than the most pathetic morsel on Earth-

God, why couldn't I be like the other dudes? They seem to be having a blast. Maybe if I didn't feel so unnaturally disgusted by the frat-

What am I saying. Even SFU refuses to recognize Greek life, I'm not even going to begin humouring those groups either. 

What am I going to tell Koriol?

Er... Caliose. 

What am I going to tell Caliose.

"Hey, so I kissed a girl but it wasn't really a kiss because we didn't really have that kind of physical contact but there was a bit of contact but only-" She wouldn't care. She wouldn't give a damn who I kissed as long as I didn't make the girl uncomfortable. Or at least, that's what I think she'd say. Haven't ever talked to her about romance because she's bound to start talking about Hezalea and even if I've accepted that truth, I'd still very much rather stay away from people's love lives. 

Why am I talking as if any of this mattered? It was just a diversion tactic borne out of contract mishaps. 

It meant... nothing. 

I felt nothing besides pure fear. I don't think I've ever even considered kissing Caliose. I say there are reasons I didn't want us to live together but are there, really? Sometimes it feels like my crush on her isn't really a crush at all. Sometimes it feels like, with her, I'm only captivated by the mystery surrounding her - or rather, surrounding... the thing that acts like her.

Who am I kidding? She's stopped being Caliose the day she came up to me feigning amnesia. I knew, I knew from the start, but I held on anyway because who knows when someone will care again. 

And I shouldn't dwell if I only want her around because she fuels my self esteem. I don't think I actually like girls in that way. At this point I don't think I like anyone that way. Maybe that's better for me. But something still doesn't feel right. I'm missing an important piece of the puzzle and I'm hesitating on everything I do because I can't stop second-guessing myself.

Nothing feels right as of now.

I'm trying to understand, trust me, I am.

I just wish things weren't so complicated. 

I wish feelings were as easy to understand as the ashes of the Firebird in the air.

Also, I started driving lessons.

And Minecraft. Jacob is satisfactory at following up with things. Good thing he hasn't asked about what happened when the group split. To be fair we were talking about more serious things like his whole... surveillance thing. Didn't believe I could meet someone more paranoid than I was. 

Been a while. I wonder if Koriol played Minecraft. He probably didn't have time for such trivial things. Not to mention it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to create any connection between him and this entire situation at hand. As many connections as he might have (purely speculation on my part) I doubt he'd be safe when it comes to the entire system coming at his throat. 

It's also surprising enough that he'd talk to me in the first place, considering how rarely I hang out with Caliose nowadays (both in order to keep her safe, and to avoid having to look her in the eye). Recently she's become much more reckless than before. Even without any of this going on, I'm worried enough about her that I'd start yelling at her if I saw her anytime soon. She tried to jump out into the road to save a crow.

Apparently it was because I liked birds. 

Apparently it was because I told her about her heroic streak from our time in Japan, as if she suddenly remembered she liked saving lives. I think I know why I can't handle hearing Lily go on about the value of life now.

But she can't throw her own away just because I pointed out that she'd always consider other people until it killed her. She can't put the blame on me for saying anything about it - before anything else she's still my friend - how did she think I'd feel, seeing her dive into the first sign of danger? This was the same person who told me to "live". Or maybe not. 

And of course, Koriol noticed the tension between us right away. He only came up to me after Caliose went home. He didn't try to pry, but I could tell he was worried. Still smiling, but worried. He thought we were close.

Ha.

I think about that sometimes. 

I wonder what it means.

“Where did you go off to?” How do I tell him that knowledge kills people?

He probably knows that much. Koriol isn't stupid - he's the last person I'd use that descriptor for. If anything he's been catching on from the start. 

I'd never pride myself in being noticeable, but Koriol notices everyone. He knows the ins and outs of people's behaviors and he knows for sure that, as much as I stay away from socializing, as much as I openly reject social etiquette, I wouldn't just leave a friend behind. I wonder if he thinks - knows - I actually care to some extent. If he asks, I'd rather die than admit it, but I do. There are many things I would never tell him, specifically. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to suffer. It'd be selfish of me if I did.

And then Jacob proceeds to ask whether I'm freaky. What gave him that idea? He's totally self-projecting - 

Speaking of Jacob, the very fact that I'm interacting with him has probably put me on some sort of list. Nowadays I don't have much to hide, but it doesn't mean I get to relax whenever I go somewhere. At some point he asks Lily and I for help and we ended up going all the way to Coquitlam for a midnight picnic. On the way there we had… quite the experience. I'm pretty sure Lily's brother is involved in some secret tryst, and Jacob has this thing where he starts talking about himself in the third person. He was very beaten up - half of his face was bandaged for the longest time. It was stressful. I didn't know how long it'd take before Lily would decide it isn't worth it to keep any of us alive. It's hard riding in the same car, especially after what happened two months ago. Thankfully it ended with all of us alive, and with Jacob’s new… cosmetics. 

…Maybe I should go stargazing again. Koriol would like that.

I can never tell if he's joking. 

Maybe it's the fact that he's texting in the group chat. Maybe it's the fact that just because I notice things, doesn't mean I know how to read the room. I'm socially awkward, I'm closed off, what more can I say?

But there comes a point where I start to see things - things that may not even exist. It's like seeing a ghost. I can't tell if it was really there or if I'm overthinking and over analyzing as usual. That's what I'm primed to do; I was a Crim student, and my childhood friend was incredibly intent on giving even the smallest details a thousand words. Does it justify the assumption that Koriol meant what I thought he did? That message could've been for anyone. I checked. I fucking checked. I had to make sure. But of course my mind’s started making excuses: “He's lying, he’s a good liar.” “He has no reason to lie, you sicko.” “You were the only one online at the time.” “But this is a group chat with all our friends; why would he be serious?” 

I told myself that I wouldn't rush. I told myself that things never end well when I'm the one pursuing anything. I doubt Koriol even knows me enough, nor do I know him. He… probably likes Caliose. That's what I've been telling myself. It's torturing me but I'm used to it. But when it causes me to tremble for two hours straight (if only it were the cold, I'm sensitive to the cold, but it wasn't the cold because I turned the heat on thinking I was freezing but it wasn't that, dammit), ramping up with every tick of the clock, I start to hate myself more than I did before. It shouldn't be like this. It's all too familiar because my chest is buzzing and it's like I'm having a panic attack and it has to stop. How do I make it stop? The only thing that's worked has been to tell the person. 

I didn't do it well. I don't do anything well. Probably caused more harm than good. I've ruined the friendship. I liked this friendship, I'll admit. I wouldn't have said anything if it meant we could stay friends. I mean, I'm always jabbing at him, I wouldn't be friends with me if I had the choice. The trembling has stopped but at what cost? Now I'm fucking scared. I don't expect anything to come out of this, I don't expect anything from him, not even an answer, I wish I could tell him this. But the right thing to do is to give him space. I never prioritized romance. I just had to get rid of the trembles. I couldn't lose sleep over this, I've got classes to worry about, but did I consider that he also had stuff to do?

God.

Live. It's the worst curse that's ever been put on me - and now I've placed it upon Jacob as if telling a man to live is enough to keep him going. I can't just assume my own experience would apply to anyone else. Caliose meant more to me than what I am to Jacob. She was there and she had dreams and she was brave enough to share them with me and ask me if I wanted to join her. I couldn't disappoint her. I promised. And what am I without the promises I make? Nothing.

I have to see it through. 

It's not a recent realization, but recent occurrences have rekindled this fact. I was losing sight of it - am I so dumb as to forget the moment she's not there to remind me? How low have I stooped? How far have I fallen? Climb back up. Rise from the ashes. This is my revival. Do not squander the founding of a new reason.

I wouldn't call myself foolish for taking it to heart, but I am a fool for acting like that's the only thing that pushes me to keep going. However, I've been acting for so long that it's become an absolute truth that strangles me in its iron grasp - it's a narrative I must keep up if I don't want to lose traction. It's a fire I need to fuel or I'll lose everything.

I don't want to lose everything.

There's... so much left to lose. I just can't do it. No wonder I failed to take any big risks. Call it self-preservation all I want but in reality it's just plain paranoia and I hate it so much. Why am I like this? First sign of danger and I freeze up. The smallest threat, the subtlest glare and I find my nerves going cold. But what's the point - am I really living if I refuse to take liberties? (Well, if I'm dead I won't have the chance to risk myself in the first place.) 

So, why do I keep going?

I have a reason to.

Why do I think that?

Because that's how it was from the start. I go through each day with a goal in mind and that keeps me afloat.

What next, then? After I meet my goals?

Find more reasons. Keep finding them because I shouldn't give myself time to think of anything else. I don't know - get a degree, get a job, try to make something new, go back to uni, get a higher degree or go into a different program, meet friends, keep going on contracts, keep going, keep going, keep going because my life depends on it.

Why wouldn't I want any time to achieve inner peace?

Because there is no peace awaiting me besides the silence of death. This 'will to survive' has become yet another obsession and I'm terrified of what I'll become without it. If I am to live aimlessly then I would only be alive. I don't want to do that - I'm not a hypocrite, not for that, never for that-

Why not?

Why? Leave me alone, Koriol.

He's the one who always asks the simple two-worded question, and I am never able to give a real answer. Nor can he. Speaking of, I hadn't seen him in a while. He's been worried sick about Hezalea, and with her recent return, it's no wonder the first thing he does is go home. I doubt things between them will ever be the same considering what she is, yet he still sticks around her. Makes me wonder if I'll ever have a friend that cares about me in that way. Maybe I do. Maybe I did. Maybe that's why I'm still here and I don't want to leave and I don't want to lose the very reason-

I think I've made a grave mistake. One in the millions of mistakes I've made so far, but one that makes me stop in my tracks nonetheless. I keep telling people to do things when I myself can barely handle any of it. I've done it - did I execute it well? Not at all.

I also realize I sound very calm when I describe all of this. Calm as I could be. Relatively. Doesn't sound like I'm spiraling, does it? 

Good.

I am levelheaded. I have to be.

Because this isn't just... anger.

I think... I understand. Not completely - probably not ever, but at least there's an inkling that pricks at me in my most delirious moments. I lie awake, aware of all the ruin I've wrought - I am both the destruction and the debris.

I am afraid.