Tech Billionaire becomes Emperor?

CEO of the troubled tech start up "Uwork" Issac Neuman adds another chapter in his increasingly bizzare downward spiral. While the Uwork board of directors still scramble to have him declared insane after his total liquidation of assets tanked the company, this move is threatened by the sudden viral popularity the former executive has enjoyed, having donated every cent to Bay Area Charities.

While a nervous break down has been cited for this stunning show of philanthropy, we would be remiss if we didn't include the attached explanation for Mr. Neuman's actions:

At the peremtory request of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Issac Neuman, formerly of New York, New York, and now for the past 3 years and 7 months of San Francisco, California, declare and proclaim myself Emperor Norton the II, absolute Monarch of these U.S., and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, knowing full well the burden of leadership needed in these times of crisis - the will of the people cannot, nay, must not be denied.
DO HEREBY order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in the Musical Hall of this city on the 1st day of February next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.

The following Document is sent to the offices of the San Francisco Chronicle marked by the Imperial Seal of Emperor Norton II

"For the better protection of the health & well being of all our citizens, We, Norton II, Dei Gracia Emperor of the United States & Protector of Mexico, do hereby decree that the practice of Vampirism - defined here as the unwholesome prospect of robbing another human being of their the very living blood given to them the by the Almighty, is on this day May the 5th in the Year of Our Lord 2022, wholly banned & abjured from these United States.

Let the record show that the people of the City of Saint Francis, as well as surrounding areas is now declared entirely free of such menace, & let it be known that this scourge was eradicated entirely do to the hard work & righteous efforts of the Common People of the same region. While the courts were not consulted for this action, We say to the courts that unless they recognize the true will of the people & submit their authority to the Divine Mandate we have accepted as Emperor, then such matters can & in fact must be handled by those right thinking people who see the precipice our country even now sways closer to.

If, any who should read this missive have dabbled in the dark arts of Vampirism yet have not hardened their heart so much that they seek repentance: know that the Emperor of the United Staes is forgiving, & funds will be made available to help free them of this dreadful addiction should they seek it. Let no more lives be lost to this dreadful malady.

Our illustrious predecessor, Emperor Norton the I, always held a friendly hand out to the oft-maligned Chinese contingent of that Jewel of North America that is San Francisco. We are pleased to see that tradition maintained, as We, *Dei Gratia* Emperor Norton II of the United States & Protector of Mexico, see the good works done by these all to often insular people.

Why insular? Why, the oppression of Our Chinese immigrants is a well documented black stain on the idelible dream of "Freedom for All" that marked the foundation of Our country! The inscrutable ways of Our citizens hailing from the distant East has been the only shield they could raise against those European settlers who, brought up in the light of our Lord, should have extended the hand of friendship as good neighbors, yet only extended vile prejudice in it's place.

A slight that the Imperial line will not let stand! Look to Our loyal subject Somm, & you will find no heart more enriched with the milk of human kindness & compassion than he; Somm is a stalwart foe of the darkness that We know preys on Our City, & we are proud to call one so learned in the Mysteries of the Orient Our ally in the battle to save the city from forces without & corruption within!

We will make a point to attend the New Year Parade in this, the Year of the Tiger, so that Our citizens will know that their Emperor stands with them in these modern times, & will brook no slander against their storied culture & measureless contribution to both our fair city & the Nation as a whole!

The following letter has been sent to the San Francisco Tribune

"While the Almighty has favored the City of Saint Francis with balmy weather & pleasant climes, we are troubled. Increasing evidence of what the media, ever seeking a sensation to sell papers no doubt, dub "The Supernatural" haunt & alarm the fair citizens of california, these United States, & indeed, the world."

"We have held conclave through mailed corespondence with those fellow heads of State whom share our Humanitarian ideals & have thus come to the conclusion that the public needs to know, lest panic ensue with the inevitable cascade of violence that must inevitably follow."

"However, what to tell the Common man who wishes little beyond bread on the table & the fruit of his works rewarded? The unvarnished truth, if even such a thing is available, may do more harm - even more so if wicked men were to exploit it. Such a burden, this otherworldly knowledge! We can pray that the same Wisdom of Solomon that carried our imperial ancestor will shed light on the matter; truly, "heavy is the head that wears the crown."

"With much soul searching & under the blessing of the Almighty, we, Issac Norton the II, Emperor of the United States of America & Defender of Mexico, do hereby decree: those who are found to be the products of heretofore unknown medical issues or mystical maladies are to be considered as in need of assistance by the medical community & shall be given clemency in the Courts provided they have cooperated with authorities. In the event the Courts prove malice beyond said afflictions, they will be tried accordingly."

"This decree will apply in full to Therianthropes, those inflicted with an agressive strain of Porphyria that are not practicing the previously forbidden acts of vampirism, & any others the public, in it's hustle & bustle might loosely deem "Supernatural."

"Obviously, Journalists, Police Officers, & Public Officials who are Loyal Servants of the Empire should direct any Extraterrestrial visitors to call on us directly, so proper diplomatic relations can be established."

BREAKING NEWS FROM KPIX-TV - CBS SAN FRANSCISCO

The camera focuses on the anchorwoman, who reads the follwoing from a page presented to her with mild disbelief:

"This just in - several assaults & a murder in Nolen's Gap, Tennessee (is that really a place?), have been linked to allegations of corruption & other industrial crimes by San Francisco's own Issac Neuman, who famously changed his name to "Emperor Norton the II" after a suspected drug overdose & the liquidation of his fortune - can we go live?"

The feed cuts to a dimly lit location, police vehicles abound, & several shadowed figures are lead away in handcuffs. The cameras turn to the local Sheriff, standing with the absurd figure of Issac Norton, clad in his faded purple imperial regalia, feathered top hat & all.

The reporters pleas for answers are stoically ignored by the young man, until, like a Circus Ringmaster, he chooses his moment to speak, silencing them all with sonrous rhetoric:

"My Countrymen! Today we are witness to manifold tragedies! The life of a true & good servant of these, Our United States of America was snuffed out! Let all who hear this message offer heartfelt condolences to the family & friends of Bleeeeep, who fell in the line of his duties. While the safety net of pensions offered to our valiant servants of Law will help provide succor in this dark time, I call on every loyal citizen of the Empire, & most specifically on Our loyal servant Governor Wesley to make certain that this man's family is properly cared for, & that the vile corruption that brought about these unfortunate events is rooted out from the good, clean soil of Tennessee! We urge the Courts to do their work with all due process, taking into account the testimony of Bleeeep who has seen the error of their ways!"

With that, the Norton bids the crowd Good Evening & walks away to a storm of questions. The camera cuts back to the KPIX anchorwoman, looking a bit goggle-eyed.

"Well - there you have it - San Francisco's own "Emperor" has taken his act on the road. Now, let's see Kyra with traffic - Kyra?"

A crisp winter morning sees the Emperor up with the sun, for his work is never done

Walking down the steps of his flat into the morning fog

Never missing a chance to say "Good day!" or pet a dog

Always tipping his feathered hat to those that jog or run

To Golden Gate park he strolls, on parade

Some point, some laugh as he makes his way

"Who is this Man who claims Monarchy of the Bay?"

Yet as the sun rises & morning mists fade

The Emperor strides along, ever carrying on

A smile here, a grand proclmation there

Always kind, always fair

Yet the task awaits: T'ai-chi ch'üan!

To those already gathered on the dew touched field

His arrival is met with bows & selfie

Everyone wishes to see His Majesty!

But now to practice! The Pacifist's Shield!

The Supreme Ultimate - "The Hundred Schools of Thought"

With the Emperor, those gathered turn & sway

The Peacful Warriors - The Pacifist's Way

In such a manner, morals are upheld - harmony is wrought

Like their Great Nation, myriad souls flowing in a single stream

Push hands in pairs, practice your forms, focus your Qi

Find that we are all as one family, both you & me

This great melting pot of cultures; the American Dream

The morning wears on, the streetcar bells ring

Commuters from Oakland, the park is soon full

Tech Bros & Houseless alike: all drawn by the Emperors pull

United at last as one people - beneath Norton, their King

(The above crude poem is spraypainted to a pillar beneath the Golden Gate bridge)

The following speech is recorded by several phones in Golden Gate Park, San Francisco

"It is the duty of all right thinking Americans & yes, all citizens of this spaceship called Earth to protect, conserve, & care for the life sustaining bosom of Mother Nature - the environment we would bequeath to our children & their children is a matter of grave import; again, those of good & true heart know this intrinsically: to be a good steward of our beautiful planet is the most noble profession - a task that returns it's manifold blessings to us all."

A crowd gathers around the would-be Emperor

"That being said, there are those malcontent with such gifts - be they robber barons pushed up by the rampant adventurism of the past or reprobates loose among us seeking to indulge momentary self importance in hideous, deviant fashion: this latest act of malice against Our fair city seems to be the latter, & rest assured: the culprit WILL be brought to face the good & true Justice of these United States! We call on all citizens of goodwill to unite under this common cause: The bandits who would befoul our beloved Bay with microplastics must be found out! Let any citizen who has such information that would lead top the apprehension of these malcontents come forward! Such a matter is in service to the Greater Good, yet let it be recorded this day that Emperor Norton II of these United States will personally reward those who act in defense of our planet, our city, & the honor of our species as rightful Sovereigns of this world!"

The Following Pamphlet is see far & wide in the Bay Area

Let it be known that Imperial America, which we have the great honor & burden to act as steward for in our role as Emperor of the United States, marks a milestone this day - for the time is now that We The People, speaking as one through the power of democracy enshrined in our sacred constitution, have as one wholly denounced the sale, purchase, import or export of meat harvested from animals. Yes, this day the entirety of these United States has proudly declared themselves VEGAN!

As Sovereign to such an enlightened populace, it is with tears of joy that I make the following proclamation, to be carried out immediately by my loyal subjects in the Legislative & Judicial branches of Government - all land used to procure, process, store, or otherwise perpetuate the production of animal meat is to be seized via Manifest destiny - private owners will be paid for these assets as in keeping with the law. Animals who have been spared will be allowed to live out their lives in peaceful harmony, suffering neither harassment nor further exploitation. A Committee will be formed to assess these new properties & deal with them wisely, with priorities given to:

Honoring Treaties with our revered First Nations that may have regrettably been overlooked in the pre-Imperial history of this Nation.

Reparations to those impacted by the abomination that is Slavery which still stains our early years,

Reparations to those animals of the barnyard, that are now to be protected under this decree.

We are beyond pleased, even elated to have found the most storied & loyal servants of the Empire once again return to service!

Bummer & Lazarus, "Two dogs, but with a single bark, two tails that wagged as one."

Such legendary canines held the heart of Our fair city in my predecessor's day, & have now reached from the great beyond to once again stand guard of the fate of the Imperial States!

A Royal Guard then? No, an Hounour Guard perhaps - it is unthinkable that any right thinking American would wish harm upon their Emperor...yet America is not alone in the world.

The borders of old nations have been written in blood...perhaps it is time to dissolve them into a single Empire? One where all Children of the Almighty stand shoulder to shoulder, bound by the chains of unlimited equity?

We know not - W simply know there are many tasks that lie ahead...

We find ourselves with new immigrants to our shores...from...well, quite some distance i suspect.

That We shall welcome them to our shores goes without saying of course.

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Rather insensitive, some of those lines. Still, We must resist the urge to rewrite history, & write the Future in it's stead.

An extended hand to all who might need one, man or beast.

One Nation.

One Planet?

Yes, there is the rub...We are Emperor of the United States & Defender of Mexico - an awesome burden for anyone, truly.

Should We perhaps look into a Matrimony with a daughter of the Chinese Emperor? We have not kept up on eligible potential brides...perhaps it is time that we do.