I finally went shopping. 

Not even for groceries; after class I immediately headed to the nearest thrift store to scrounge for what survival gear people decided they didn't need. I've gone thrifting before; at some point some acquaintances had dragged me along and I came out of that outing with a few bags’ worth of new things. There were a lot of things. Maybe more than I needed, but it was sparkly and I liked sparkly things a bit more than I realized. 

This time I found scrubs.

I don't know why people donated those, but it was mildly amusing to try them on. They were a bit oversized so they fit very well over my hoodie. 

But more importantly, I found a fireproof jacket. I don't know why someone would donate such a useful item, but I guess not everyone deals with fire this often. Fine.

Besides that, I grabbed a few more utility items and went home. This was supposed to be the easier part, but it still took be two hours to decide which flashlight I would like the most. People threw out flashlights very often, it seems. 

The more difficult part was getting a weapon. I couldn't really defend myself with just a knife; everyone else had guns and I constantly felt the inkling that I was missing out. Of course it wasn't as easy as it looked in the movies either; I had to go through so many people in the shadows of downtown Vancouver to even gain enough trust to see a gun. There was no way I could go the aboveboard route from how many background checks it required (and the idea of them asking Caliose about me was unsettling), so I had to stick with this plan.

Eventually I bought one, which put quite a dent in my savings. I hope this was worth it.

At this point I was going to have to buy fireproof coats straight from the warehouse. 

More importantly, I finally got to the advisor after a few weeks of talking to multiple people (dropped my major-related classes and switched to Engineering, MSE specifically); I feel like from dealing with bureaucracy alone I got a million times better at speaking, but I really wouldn't know unless I actually bothered to chat with whoever decided to pay attention to me. Hard luck.

Why Engineering? I find that numbers and machines are a lot easier to look at compared to the amount of times I've tried to give people the benefit of doubt with everything I've learnt in Crim classes. Understanding what the Oedipus complex is doesn't make me any less disgusted at it. Sure, this throws me right back into the Asian math geek archetype, and my graduation has been set back, but I figured I'd put the DIY skills to use. I've been taking related electives anyway. 

Koriol was the first to find out, having been in the area dealing with some transcript errors. The moment he locked onto my existence he closed in like a homing missile, and of course the first question he asked was whether Caliose was around. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. He wasn't going to pester her today. Did he really think she'd be around me 24/7? She has her own stuff to do; she doesn't even go here. I only saw her a couple times per month as it were, though I also rarely ran into Koriol or anyone we knew because midterms were ramping up. 

Except he hung around me anyway, and as long as he stayed quiet like this, I wasn't going to complain. It's been a long few days and a bit of familiarity around isn't unwelcome. Still, why did he ask if Caliose was around, if he was just going to hang out with me?

I sighed and turned to him as we stepped out of the building. "Look, being around me won't gain you any favours with Caliose."

He tilted his head.

Why did he look so... confused?

"I know."

Whatever. I needed to go home and redo my entire degree planning sheet now. It really didn't help that Koriol had to take the same bus (this part wasn't him being creepy; his townhouse was legitimately along the route). And I didn't feel like sitting in awkward silence for an hour, so like any intelligent individual, I sat down with him at a Pho place on campus. Something was weird today; normally Koriol would never stop yapping about anything and everything. The only difference was that I was the only person here, but was I so scary that he'd just immediately shut up? I'd have been proud of myself if not for the fact that this was actually incredibly strange. 

As much as I complained about him, it's not like we didn't get along. We had a common circle of friends (though Hezalea was hardly what I'd call a friend) and I personally haven't argued with anyone yet. Good enough, right? Honestly, Koriol wasn't half bad whenever he wasn't interacting with other girls. We had productive conversations, if only about academics or our limited understanding of pop culture. His family worked in PR so he was familiar enough with the system to help me sometimes. I don't know, I rarely tell people much about myself unless they ask. It was probably a protective response that I developed, considering the neighbourhoods I had lived in before moving to Canada. 

This made me wonder if I really knew anyone in the friend group at all.

...Maybe I should start talking to people. It really has nothing to do with how much I care about societal standards. This is just... normal human interaction.

I don't think I can fool myself any longer. 

I've had nightmares about this for weeks, it's not even funny. The more the adrenaline wears off, the more I find wrong with the entire situation. Of course I feel bad about putting Lily on the spot like that - is it bad to say this isn't the worst part? 

Superlatives aside, it's so easy to brush it off when people brag about their first kiss and their first... whatevers, but now I realize there's something truly wrong with me because I dread telling anyone about this. Or, I'm just a decent person who doesn't see girls as bragging righ- 

I didn't ask for consent.

Of course in that situation it's not possible, and I guess it didn't count in the first place, and so... am I supposed to be so stuck on this whole thing? I doubt she'd think much of it. Or she hates me and will find a way to kill me no matter how much she's against killing anyone because I've proven to be worse than the most pathetic morsel on Earth-

God, why couldn't I be like the other dudes? They seem to be having a blast. Maybe if I didn't feel so unnaturally disgusted by the frat-

What am I saying. Even SFU refuses to recognize Greek life, I'm not even going to begin humouring those groups either. 

What am I going to tell Koriol?

Er... Caliose. 

What am I going to tell Caliose.

"Hey, so I kissed a girl but it wasn't really a kiss because we didn't really have that kind of physical contact but there was a bit of contact but only-" She wouldn't care. She wouldn't give a damn who I kissed as long as I didn't make the girl uncomfortable. Or at least, that's what I think she'd say. Haven't ever talked to her about romance because she's bound to start talking about Hezalea and even if I've accepted that truth, I'd still very much rather stay away from people's love lives. 

Why am I talking as if any of this mattered? It was just a diversion tactic borne out of contract mishaps. 

It meant... nothing. 

I felt nothing besides pure fear. I don't think I've ever even considered kissing Caliose. I say there are reasons I didn't want us to live together but are there, really? Sometimes it feels like my crush on her isn't really a crush at all. Sometimes it feels like, with her, I'm only captivated by the mystery surrounding her - or rather, surrounding... the thing that acts like her.

Who am I kidding? She's stopped being Caliose the day she came up to me feigning amnesia. I knew, I knew from the start, but I held on anyway because who knows when someone will care again. 

And I shouldn't dwell if I only want her around because she fuels my self esteem. I don't think I actually like girls in that way. At this point I don't think I like anyone that way. Maybe that's better for me. But something still doesn't feel right. I'm missing an important piece of the puzzle and I'm hesitating on everything I do because I can't stop second-guessing myself.

Nothing feels right as of now.

I'm trying to understand, trust me, I am.

I just wish things weren't so complicated. 

I wish feelings were as easy to understand as the ashes of the Firebird in the air.

Also, I started driving lessons.

And Minecraft. Jacob is satisfactory at following up with things. Good thing he hasn't asked about what happened when the group split. To be fair we were talking about more serious things like his whole... surveillance thing. Didn't believe I could meet someone more paranoid than I was. 

Been a while. I wonder if Koriol played Minecraft. He probably didn't have time for such trivial things. Not to mention it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to create any connection between him and this entire situation at hand. As many connections as he might have (purely speculation on my part) I doubt he'd be safe when it comes to the entire system coming at his throat. 

It's also surprising enough that he'd talk to me in the first place, considering how rarely I hang out with Caliose nowadays (both in order to keep her safe, and to avoid having to look her in the eye). Recently she's become much more reckless than before. Even without any of this going on, I'm worried enough about her that I'd start yelling at her if I saw her anytime soon. She tried to jump out into the road to save a crow.

Apparently it was because I liked birds. 

Apparently it was because I told her about her heroic streak from our time in Japan, as if she suddenly remembered she liked saving lives. I think I know why I can't handle hearing Lily go on about the value of life now.

But she can't throw her own away just because I pointed out that she'd always consider other people until it killed her. She can't put the blame on me for saying anything about it - before anything else she's still my friend - how did she think I'd feel, seeing her dive into the first sign of danger? This was the same person who told me to "live". Or maybe not. 

And of course, Koriol noticed the tension between us right away. He only came up to me after Caliose went home. He didn't try to pry, but I could tell he was worried. Still smiling, but worried. He thought we were close.

Ha.

I think about that sometimes. 

I wonder what it means.

“Where did you go off to?” How do I tell him that knowledge kills people?

He probably knows that much. Koriol isn't stupid - he's the last person I'd use that descriptor for. If anything he's been catching on from the start. 

I'd never pride myself in being noticeable, but Koriol notices everyone. He knows the ins and outs of people's behaviors and he knows for sure that, as much as I stay away from socializing, as much as I openly reject social etiquette, I wouldn't just leave a friend behind. I wonder if he thinks - knows - I actually care to some extent. If he asks, I'd rather die than admit it, but I do. There are many things I would never tell him, specifically. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to suffer. It'd be selfish of me if I did.

And then Jacob proceeds to ask whether I'm freaky. What gave him that idea? He's totally self-projecting - 

Speaking of Jacob, the very fact that I'm interacting with him has probably put me on some sort of list. Nowadays I don't have much to hide, but it doesn't mean I get to relax whenever I go somewhere. At some point he asks Lily and I for help and we ended up going all the way to Coquitlam for a midnight picnic. On the way there we had… quite the experience. I'm pretty sure Lily's brother is involved in some secret tryst, and Jacob has this thing where he starts talking about himself in the third person. He was very beaten up - half of his face was bandaged for the longest time. It was stressful. I didn't know how long it'd take before Lily would decide it isn't worth it to keep any of us alive. It's hard riding in the same car, especially after what happened two months ago. Thankfully it ended with all of us alive, and with Jacob’s new… cosmetics. 

…Maybe I should go stargazing again. Koriol would like that.

I can never tell if he's joking. 

Maybe it's the fact that he's texting in the group chat. Maybe it's the fact that just because I notice things, doesn't mean I know how to read the room. I'm socially awkward, I'm closed off, what more can I say?

But there comes a point where I start to see things - things that may not even exist. It's like seeing a ghost. I can't tell if it was really there or if I'm overthinking and over analyzing as usual. That's what I'm primed to do; I was a Crim student, and my childhood friend was incredibly intent on giving even the smallest details a thousand words. Does it justify the assumption that Koriol meant what I thought he did? That message could've been for anyone. I checked. I fucking checked. I had to make sure. But of course my mind’s started making excuses: “He's lying, he’s a good liar.” “He has no reason to lie, you sicko.” “You were the only one online at the time.” “But this is a group chat with all our friends; why would he be serious?” 

I told myself that I wouldn't rush. I told myself that things never end well when I'm the one pursuing anything. I doubt Koriol even knows me enough, nor do I know him. He… probably likes Caliose. That's what I've been telling myself. It's torturing me but I'm used to it. But when it causes me to tremble for two hours straight (if only it were the cold, I'm sensitive to the cold, but it wasn't the cold because I turned the heat on thinking I was freezing but it wasn't that, dammit), ramping up with every tick of the clock, I start to hate myself more than I did before. It shouldn't be like this. It's all too familiar because my chest is buzzing and it's like I'm having a panic attack and it has to stop. How do I make it stop? The only thing that's worked has been to tell the person. 

I didn't do it well. I don't do anything well. Probably caused more harm than good. I've ruined the friendship. I liked this friendship, I'll admit. I wouldn't have said anything if it meant we could stay friends. I mean, I'm always jabbing at him, I wouldn't be friends with me if I had the choice. The trembling has stopped but at what cost? Now I'm fucking scared. I don't expect anything to come out of this, I don't expect anything from him, not even an answer, I wish I could tell him this. But the right thing to do is to give him space. I never prioritized romance. I just had to get rid of the trembles. I couldn't lose sleep over this, I've got classes to worry about, but did I consider that he also had stuff to do?

God.

I am needed. I think about that sometimes.

I'm told that I... Understand.

That's a lot of faith he places in me, but I'd hate to stand in the same place of whatever or whoever he considers his God to be. Whatever he thinks I am, I'm not. Never was. Can never be. I wish it were easier to just go along with everything said to me, but I cannot, in good conscience, accept what I don't fully believe.

At some point Koriol stopped and told me that putting someone on a pedestal only forces them to look down on me. I couldn't ask what he meant. I could only ruminate on it, and consider what I've done to warrant that comment. In the end I think I can comprehend the overall message, but part of me is still afraid I'm wrong. It's what Jacob's doing to me, isn't it? It's what I did to Caliose, it's what I've probably been doing to Koriol. Bared my feelings to a guy I don't really know on an emotional level. There's an inherent expectation that he'd be fine hearing those words.

He's been distant nowadays, and I can only imagine the turmoil in his mind. We haven't talked about what I said to him. It's fine if he never will. I can't even treat my own friends right, what could Jacob possibly expect from me? How in the world do his ghosts expect me to help him in his work if I'm incapable of doing anything? All I do is act on my impulses. I think, I do, but does it ever lead me in the right direction? No. In the end my emotions take reign and I'd actually end up hurting or killing him more than whatever his burden is doing now.

There's something off about that necklace. But it also seems important. I wish it wasn't. 

Hezalea has been gone for a while. 

One day Koriol calls me - he never does, so what's changed?

He looks... frazzled. A mess.  He can't tell me what's going on. I can tell it has something to do with Hezalea. On the news, found in California, tied to a bunch of murders. He asks if I know how she is - how would I? He's about to say something but he stops himself. I let slip that just because she's related to me in some messed up way doesn't mean I'd magically have some sort of connection to her. 

Koriol's known that for a while already. But he's not asking because of this. Apparently Hezalea disappears sometimes and he's found that I do the same thing too. He's asking me to come back. What does that mean? I'm right here. 

He doesn't want the same thing to happen to me too. His eyes are darting everywhere. I'd like to say he's blowing this out of proportion but with what happened to Jacob? I was lucky. Next time, maybe not as great. Had to replace my phone. 

But it's more than just worry. I've seen this exact look before. Not just on Koriol, but...

I used to joke that Jacob was like someone I knew, because he was fruity.

Not anymore. It's uncanny. It's terrifying. I can barely stand on my own two feet. I grab onto a tree for support.

"Have you... done something bad before, Koriol?"

I don't know why that was the first thing I thought to ask, but it was fitting.

He didn't answer.

He didn't answer my question, but he did say something else.

"Don't confess your feelings for someone you barely know."

This is another set of words I'm bound to remember. 

I'm taking it as a yes, that he's made a huge mistake - mistake? Why am I making excuses for him? He's done something horrible and that's why he's not even trying to tell me or anyone else that Hezalea is innocent in all of this. He wouldn't be able to believe himself. He's a good liar but this is where he draws the line. Hezalea never cared to paint herself in a good light either. 

He asks me what I'd do if he really had committed something truly horrible. How do I tell him? God.

What does it all mean?

Everyone around me is a false version of themselves. They're liars and they can't hide it to save their lives. They'd be persecuted and they wouldn't even defend themselves. Just... diverge to another topic. 

It also brings to question, 

How important is Jacob to me, if I can still tolerate everyone else?

I hate this.

Why couldn't people just stop being so... complicated.

But I'm choosing to stay near them anyway, even as I'm inevitably dragged into mess after mess. I have no excuse. Maybe I do have to admit it now.

I care about you guys. Stop sacrificing yourselves as if your absence is going to save more people.

I still want to kill that fed, but if I'm given some other option? ...I'll consider it.

I remember.

I still remember.

Your smile haunts me in my sleep. It reminds me of times far worse than this, yet upon further thought, I can't say this isn't just as bad. What do you want from me? What could you possibly want if you don't even have a clue as to who you are? You can't say that wasn't you - it was based upon you, the same visage that curses and spells the ruin of lives through deceit and forgery. You tried to hurt me and failed so miserably that all I can do is laugh.

See how you try to convince me that you're not just some skinwalker prowling the streets.

I've seen that very same grin on your face, it's nothing new but it scares me every time. I can't let this go on any further. It's made too big of a wave in my life. It burns. This has to stop. You said this was for the greater good - I can't trust that it wasn't the other you talking, but it's all too... you. It's so easy to predict what you'll do, what you'll say, so easy to mimic the words and actions of a self-flagellating martyr. You think I haven't done the same things? Thought I could rid the world of evil if I was dealt with. Thought I was the source of it all, because why else would my life have been so miserable? If everyone around me seemed like the problem, I would've been the common denominator. It doesn't work that way. I know this now - it took me years to come to terms with it. It still comes back to bite me from time to time. I can't bear to watch it happen all over again.

All for the greater good? Let me be selfish, just this once.

"You" claim to be the clown, the League, the lives you've ruined and hurt. "You" claim to be the only ones who know, the only ones with the power to change what has been wrought. The hubris is unbelievable. You're only human as long as you remain in my gaze. I won't lie and say I understand what you're going through, or that I have the one-stop solution to all of this - I never will. But so long as I'm around, I might as well do what I believe is right. I could be wrong. I would most likely be wrong. You might even hate me after this. But I'd never forgive myself for standing there and letting you "use" me and proceed to toss me away like you never told me I was the only one you could talk to. I'll be here but not in the way "you" hope. Better than acting like you have to give everything up to do whatever you wanted to do.

Your name has bled into my life for far too long. I see your ghost in the faces I know. I doubt you think of us as any more than coworkers.

...Dammit.

I didn't think it through.

That's how it's always been. I think a lot, but never about the right things - if I come up with a plan it goes awry and I'm stuck stumbling blindly between the lines. But as always I thought I had it under control - but this was Jacob we were talking about. Predictable as he might be, there's something lurking that I still can't pinpoint. It certainly isn't human. It's not supposed to exist, but who am I to declare who "belongs"?

The plan was simple. Go, make him fall asleep, take the necklace, leave. And maybe eat something.

I forgot to account for if he'd stashed it in that locker of his. I saw it in use - had I forgotten?

They'd never let him act so carelessly. 

My next plan? Same as before, but I'd stage a struggle and a message on my Notes app. I'd leave a drop or two of blood to pretend someone else had taken me and the necklace. So I tried again a bit after that. I thought he'd pull it out. I could see them - the spirits, the ghosts, the guilt, whatever they called themselves. I really don't care. I just want them gone.

But...

But then he said-

God. He told me, "We're done." 

It affected me far worse than I could imagine. I set a tree on fire. The words rang in my ears and I thought I was going to go deaf from it. What was that supposed to mean? We were never anything. He made it sound like a breakup and I haven't even had a relationship yet - not to mention he's like 30. To be fair that probably wasn't Jacob talking, but that just further motivated me to wipe them off this plane of existence. 

So where was the necklace?

Of course it was never the necklace. It was just wishful thinking that led me to think...

But this is the real world. You can't use magic to solve someone's mental issues this easily. Exorcisms are a different story. Do I still have friends back in HK that might know more? Hm... It's been years... but I've never erased their numbers either.

I could've killed him then and there. It would've been so easy. Should've required nothing but my knife. But I couldn't. I lodged it in a tree instead. It wasn't the time. Jacob is... a friend. That word is warm, safely warm, like a protective blanket cocoon made to shield from all the cold in the world. I can only hope he meant that in the moment. That's all I can expect for now.

Can't guarantee that he'll keep his promises, but if things are as they seem, I'll have to kill him later on. I wonder what I'd prefer by then - for 'him' to fight back, or for him to go peacefully?

Then he asked about... me. My past. He's one of the only people to, besides Koriol. Yet another parallel. Seriously, I'm going to go insane if Koriol becomes a Contractor too.

Yet in the end... I will make it through this. I should. I'm not doing these jobs for other people after all. Lie.

. . .

Deep in the recesses of his mind, Zephyren has burned a seemingly random set of characters into the flesh:

xJcL265v

DO NOT FORGET.

Live. It's the worst curse that's ever been put on me - and now I've placed it upon Jacob as if telling a man to live is enough to keep him going. I can't just assume my own experience would apply to anyone else. Caliose meant more to me than what I am to Jacob. She was there and she had dreams and she was brave enough to share them with me and ask me if I wanted to join her. I couldn't disappoint her. I promised. And what am I without the promises I make? Nothing.

I have to see it through. 

It's not a recent realization, but recent occurrences have rekindled this fact. I was losing sight of it - am I so dumb as to forget the moment she's not there to remind me? How low have I stooped? How far have I fallen? Climb back up. Rise from the ashes. This is my revival. Do not squander the founding of a new reason.

I wouldn't call myself foolish for taking it to heart, but I am a fool for acting like that's the only thing that pushes me to keep going. However, I've been acting for so long that it's become an absolute truth that strangles me in its iron grasp - it's a narrative I must keep up if I don't want to lose traction. It's a fire I need to fuel or I'll lose everything.

I don't want to lose everything.

There's... so much left to lose. I just can't do it. No wonder I failed to take any big risks. Call it self-preservation all I want but in reality it's just plain paranoia and I hate it so much. Why am I like this? First sign of danger and I freeze up. The smallest threat, the subtlest glare and I find my nerves going cold. But what's the point - am I really living if I refuse to take liberties? (Well, if I'm dead I won't have the chance to risk myself in the first place.) 

So, why do I keep going?

I have a reason to.

Why do I think that?

Because that's how it was from the start. I go through each day with a goal in mind and that keeps me afloat.

What next, then? After I meet my goals?

Find more reasons. Keep finding them because I shouldn't give myself time to think of anything else. I don't know - get a degree, get a job, try to make something new, go back to uni, get a higher degree or go into a different program, meet friends, keep going on contracts, keep going, keep going, keep going because my life depends on it.

Why wouldn't I want any time to achieve inner peace?

Because there is no peace awaiting me besides the silence of death. This 'will to survive' has become yet another obsession and I'm terrified of what I'll become without it. If I am to live aimlessly then I would only be alive. I don't want to do that - I'm not a hypocrite, not for that, never for that-

Why not?

Why? Leave me alone, Koriol.

He's the one who always asks the simple two-worded question, and I am never able to give a real answer. Nor can he. Speaking of, I hadn't seen him in a while. He's been worried sick about Hezalea, and with her recent return, it's no wonder the first thing he does is go home. I doubt things between them will ever be the same considering what she is, yet he still sticks around her. Makes me wonder if I'll ever have a friend that cares about me in that way. Maybe I do. Maybe I did. Maybe that's why I'm still here and I don't want to leave and I don't want to lose the very reason-

I think I've made a grave mistake. One in the millions of mistakes I've made so far, but one that makes me stop in my tracks nonetheless. I keep telling people to do things when I myself can barely handle any of it. I've done it - did I execute it well? Not at all.

I also realize I sound very calm when I describe all of this. Calm as I could be. Relatively. Doesn't sound like I'm spiraling, does it? 

Good.

I am levelheaded. I have to be.

Because this isn't just... anger.

I think... I understand. Not completely - probably not ever, but at least there's an inkling that pricks at me in my most delirious moments. I lie awake, aware of all the ruin I've wrought - I am both the destruction and the debris.

I am afraid.

"I'm sorry."

What's with all the 'sorry's and 'thank you's these days? Is it Be Kind month or something? Pretty sure it's only gotten one day in the past, but that's Canada for you, I gue-

I should answer Koriol.

"For what?"

“I've just… not been the greatest friend. For no reason at that-”

"I mean, you have plenty of reason to."

"Please don't sell yourself short like this, Zeph."

“You were telling me the truth, there's really nothing more I could've asked for.” He doesn't look convinced. Of course he's already got his own little narrative going on that he's wronged me somehow. I thought it was the other way around - I guess we're both just as bad at this. “If anything you helped shed some clarity on my situation.”

Koriol tilts his head, but he surely knows that I can't elaborate on that. “I'm… glad.”

“Koriol, seriously, I know you've been in a really bad place.”

He laughs sorely. He itches at the back of his neck and looks away. “It wasn't that big of a deal-”

Not this shit. “Didn't your childhood friend get arrested and outed as a-” As a what, really? Person with darker blood than normal?

“I can't really help it if she acts like it's nothing.”

Typical. I don’t say this out loud - I’ve probably fallen into the same patterns before.

I sigh. We're sitting in a study area, though the foot traffic is too heavy for it to be anywhere near conducive. I place my hands over my ears and Koriol looks away, fiddling with the fabric of his sleeve.

"It's not you- just... it's loud here."

He looks at me for a few seconds before he stands up. "We can go elsewhere, then?"

I pick up my bag. We're walking around the residential areas now. A group of students have gathered outside one of the buildings because of a fire alarm. Besides that, Koriol still appeared extremely apologetic. I had to ask him. Something was weighing him down, was it not?

But before I could, he asks me about Caliose. He sees my frown. There's no reason not to answer, though, so I do. I talk about how she's been destroying herself for a pursuit that she doesn't even believe in. I talk about how she's probably an imposter. I talk about how I clung on anyway because some part of me hoped that seeing her for all her good qualities would bring her back. Instead it just molded her into this artificial idea of perfection, separated from the rest of humanity. I haven't seen her in a while - I don't know if she's even still alive, and I don't want an answer to that. I'm not even going to try to check. He mutters something and I look up. 

"What?"

"You're... spiraling, Zeph."

What. I feel a chill in the air. Didn't wear enough layers today. Thought I could handle it. I can - I swear I can. 

"This is exactly what I feared."

"...What is it." The ambient noise of civilization stalls behind us. 

"You'd leave the moment you realize I'm not as perfect as you think I am. That's what you did to Caliose. I'm sorry I was so flippant when you told me but-"

"She thinks she's perfect, she thinks she has to be, I never told her I wanted that - this was all her choice. I only told her what I perceived of her-"

"And you perceived her to be perfect." Koriol stops walking. "Did you not?"

I can't find it in me to answer. Do I nod? I shiver instead but I try to hide it in jerky movements. I don't need Koriol to see that I'm anywhere near bothered by this. I don't need his pity. "I didn't stop talking to her just because of that. It's just unhealthy to be around each other knowing I'd be worried sick and she'd do anything to try and fix the problems that arise. She might as well be dead and her blood will be on my hands."

"You just don't want to take the blame."

He's right, isn't he. I step backwards.

"Zephyren, don't back down this easily, this is why we never have actual conversations beyond schoolwork."

Is that what I do?

I didn't even realize.

God.

Somehow I won quite a few rounds of poker. The others insist I'm card-counting but I swear I haven't really touched cards until today. What is card-counting, anyway? I'll have to search that up when I get home. I won with blind confidence, I guess. That's pretty cool.

And then Goro pulled up Jackbox. God, I'm bad at talking. Guess that's another perk of not being a Crim student anymore - less presentations, more 'do things right, there is always a clear solution and an indicator that you've succeeded'.

These people are hilarious. We need to have more game nights, away from all the stress of these jobs. Feels like things would've started on a better note with everyone all the way back during my first Contract if we all just met up to hang out and play games beforehand.

Also, Jacob called me gay? How did he know that? I've never referred to Koriol in any specific way other than to talk about the conversations I've had with him. Either way, there goes any plans I had to come out because this dude decided to out me in the middle of near-strangers, especially in front of one who might be homophobic and racist. Come on, that's not very nice.

Also I think Jacob might be fruity, he kept dodging the questions

Ibzan's house is nice. It's a shame we kinda left a mess in there when Goro gave Jacob a can of beer. It was a beernade. I don't know how Jacob failed to realize that. Whatever, you deserved that. I thought you said you didn't drink. What happened to having a clear head? Not that it's that clear, with all those ghosts swirling around him. Once again, this guy's a chronic liar. Compulsive liar. Something along those lines. Whatever. Hope he's not surprised whenever I say I don't believe him. I've definitely got beef with this guy. Why did I invite him, then? Dunno. Thought it'd be funny for him to meet Remus. It was really funny.

"Tell me about yourself."

God, Koriol, don't do this to me-

"Please."

Well, he did ask. And I did tell myself I'd best answer if someone did, because that's the only chance I'll ever get to share this. What else would I do? Bottle it up? Never ends well - I should know. I do know. Doesn't make it any easier. This time we're sitting in a cafe. No idea why he invited me here. I had taken out my schoolwork to study, but he went and ordered some food. It sits before me now, so I've returned the papers to their respective folders - still in a disarray despite my efforts. It happens when I decide I couldn't care less. Probably means I didn't put enough effort into it, as always. Happy now?

Not at all.

"What do you want to know?"

"What you've been up to."

"I'm not telling you that."

"Not even your interests?" 

I look up from my food. What does he mean, interests? Doesn't he want to know about the more interesting stuff? All the sensational information that people vy to know if it kills them? Koriol's one such person who would choose to turn over every rock in the world if he could learn its cosmic secrets.

Yet here he is asking about the mundane. 

"M...Minecraft."

"That's cool. Have you seen the new snapshot yet?"

"I mean, I mostly play on a server with some... friends. Recently let a warden loose."

He laughs. "I'm guessing you nametagged it." Why does someone like him know about Minecraft? ...Granted, it is pretty popular, but I would've thought this guy focused on actual information that would be useful to him in the future. 

"Yeah, I named it after one of the people on that server." I have no idea how to continue this conversation. "How about you?"

"Hm?" He seems surprised. It's only fair that I get to ask if he did too. "Well, I've been learning to play the violin."

"Why would you choose the hardest instrument to play? Do you even have a musical background?"

"Nope."

"A...are you good at it?" I try to picture Koriol with an instrument in hand. It's not an impossible thought.

"I could be better." Probably means he's decent at it, because of course this perfect man would excel at- stop it, Zeph. Stop falling into the same habit.

"You always say that." It's admirable.

"I do." He grins. "You should watch me sometime."

"I'd rather commit arson." I have. "I'm sure there's something known as backseating with music too."

"I mean, I don't mind. You've played before, right?" Did I tell him that? I did. Sore moment, honestly. Typical Asian kid stuff. I nod. "Hazel's been cooped up in her room all day no matter how horrendously I play, and it's starting to get boring. Really need an audience for my tiny little violin." Is he referring to a song? I think he's referring to a song.

"You've moved recently, right?"

"Yeah. Can't imagine why though." He shrugs, but obviously he knows - there's that twinge of sadness in his face again. "Come visit sometime?"

"Fine, fine." I recently learned that game nights are fun. Who would've guessed. I wonder if Koriol has jackbox or something. He probably has cards. Hezalea would always look quite disturbed whenever he mentioned solitaire for some reason. Then he'd look at her apologetically. Yet another thing I wouldn't ever know, but I'm no different. Eye for an eye.

He looks happy now. "I've been decorating, it's pretty nice there if I do say so myself." I roll my eyes. It's not meant to be meanspirited. Please don't take it the wrong way. "Oh come on, I know I glaze myself all the time but I'm really proud of this one." Koriol speaks like he's just made a masterpiece. He is somewhat of an artist after all. He talks about a classmate of his sometimes - she really loves flowers. She's a bit strange, according to him. A bit shattered. A piecewise function that doesn't really fit together (I'm positive he added that metaphor in for me specifically). Recently she had handed in a really nice statue and flown off to the States for a month or something. Then she came back a little worse for wear. There's concern in Koriol's voice now. "All these people I know, disappearing and reappearing with their lives changed... it's a bit..." He places a hand over his chin as he thinks. He takes a while.

"Alien?"

"I wouldn't put it that way, but yeah." Koriol takes a sip of coffee. "Alien."

Oh, if only he knew. "I'm sure there's an explanation. Maybe."

"Probably, but I'm drawing blanks whenever I try to find out. Y'know how Trump died and then ended up not dying? He was on camera - I don't know how they did it."

Wince. Koriol looks directly at me, but he says nothing as he sips (loudly, now) at his nearly depleted drink. "Maybe necromancers are real?"

"I'll take your word on that."

"You'll regret it."

"When do I not?" He laughs again. This isn't a joke. I can tell. "Zeph, it's fine." He's a good liar. But not when he's trying to put a bandage over a rift. 

"Don't say that." 

"Seriously, I feel a lot better than before."

"Doesn't mean it's gone away."

"True, but-"

"You say things about me backing down too easily, but honestly? I'd rather do that than sound like a tornado wrapped in ribbons and bows." Koriol raises an eyebrow. "What I mean is, just stop trying to convince me that the elephant in the room has somehow vanished."

He adjusts himself and leans forward. He's listening. Finally.

"Koriol, why are we here?"

"To hang out."

"You don't know me. I don't know you. You know this - you're the one who told m-"

"I'm trying. ...To get to know you."

"But you're putting up a faze and it really isn't helping. I can't tell you anything if all you're going to do is reciprocate with lies."

"You'd hate me."

"Then let me hate you. Give me that option." The food has gotten cold. I take a bite out of it anyway. "Don't you start putting me on a pedestal too. Let me step forward and punch you if I have to."

"You don't understand." He averts his gaze.

"Look at me." He does. "I don't understand a lot of things. Doesn't make me any less deserving of the truth. I'm trying to understand. I want to know you too." Some light has returned to his eyes. They reflect the ceiling lamps. "And you can't just put all the blame on me for preventing us from talking about anything deeper than our hobbies."

"...That's true." Koriol looks down. He picks up his fork and fiddles around with it. "I just... I'm not ready yet." He looks back at me. "I'll tell you soon. I promise."

Promise?

I wonder how many more times I can take that.

"Oh. And..." I jolt. For a second I'm concerned that he's read my mind. Or maybe I mumbled it and he's heard it. He hasn't. I think he hasn't. He turns to his bag and takes out something wrapped neatly in ornate paper. There's an envelope taped on top. To Zephyren. "Here."

"...What?" In my shock I didn't notice that I've already taken it from his hands.

"Happy birthday."

How did I forget? ...Should I open it now? Traditionally we wouldn't (something about manners too) but we aren't in Hong Kong, neither do I really keep track of their practices. 

"I know you pointed out the flaws behind waiting for this one day, but it would feel awkward otherwise. For me, at least."

Of course.

"You can open it if you want." He can tell I'm curious. Damn you, Koriol.

"...Okay."

An instrument. A... harmonica. Engraved with my name and a fire glyph. How does he- right, he designed it. On the other side there's a phoenix embossed in gold. "...Thank you." It's beautiful. I can't accept this. How much did it cost? Hopefully not much. Please don't tell me.

"Fiddle-style violin is fun. Heard it goes well with this. I'm not forcing you to play anything, but since you know a bit about music it'd be cool if we could jam together sometime."

Can I really do that? It's been a while. I've done some gigs for cash but it's not something I dabble with on a daily basis. "I'd embarrass myself. I was joking about backseating." I put the harmonica back into its case. I wonder why he chose this. I've never played one before. Only a piano and a violin, maybe a bit of guitar. This is a woodwind. Wind. Flying. Imagine all the things I can do if I could fly. This one takes breathing. I don't know if I can breathe right nowadays.

"Backseating doesn't really suit you anyway." Wow, okay. "Either way, do what you want with it." He falters and picks up his cup, realizes it's empty, then eats some of his food. 

I don't say anything - with the way he looks at me and takes deep breaths and looks away at the last second, I can tell he has more to say. We eat in silence for a few minutes. Then he continues.

"If you don't want it you could sell-"

I stand up and clutch the case to my chest. "Why the fuck would I do that?" He's taken aback. Who does he think I am? People are staring now. My face is hot. Wonder how red it is. I sit down. "I'm not selling it, I'm not giving it away, I'm not tossing it either. You gave this to me."

Koriol smiles. His smile is warm.