I was right.

I was so painfully wrong.

I see it now - I am opened. My mind is come undone and yet at once I see. No more illusions - no more deceptions - the truth is opened to me. He is with me and oh, I am BURNED! It is like a ringing, a pounding, a scraping inside my head - He is too much, too great for a man to bear, and yet I bear Him as I must for such is my purpose and my duty. I am made to understand: it is unraveled to me.

For so long had I thought surely, God is only of love: that the destruction and annihilation was the work of mortal men who recorded such as His acts in furtherance of their own ambitions. Long have I thought that the world is as it is because God is only of love, that He is unable to bring punishment upon the wicked for they are yet His children.

I was right!

I was so painfully wrong.

I feel it now behind my eyes in the aching of my scalp: God is not wrathless; he is angry. And yet, he is of love, and the scriptures lie and the false prophets and capital priests deceive and suck honey from the blood of the innocent and yet! And yet, He refrains, not over cowardice, over Love. I have seen it: the remains of His sole damnation. I have seen it in the winds over Egypt, in the mutilated cattle and the rotted grain and the pustules and boils that burst behind my eyes. I have seen it in the weeping mothers of martyred children, destroyed but for the spite of one mortal man. His hand is stayed by love, but not for the wicked, though He loves them even so - it is stayed by Love for what He lacks is not Wrath but Perspective.

Of course!

He is the Almighty - the Lord! He is the Savior, the Master of Heaven and Giver of Eternal Life!

We are made in His image, but it is an image in which we are made - His wrath must be stayed, for in its persecution, how can He know what is just in the eyes of us, His children? What is an innocent life brought early to Heaven in the mission of freeing a people? What wrong could be the misapplication of His mercy in the persecution of glorious and terrible justice?

He is of Love - he is the Almighty - and His mind is so, so much greater than us. He cannot understand - could not understand.

And so, He sent His son.

And so, He sent His prophets - to see through Human eyes, and to grant Human hands His wonders that we might take the work of Justice into our hands. 

And now, He has chosen my hands.

I was right, but so enormously wrong.

I had thought my strength came from my Faith in Him, but it is the other way around - He trusts me, and so He has Faith in Me.

I must begin - there are evils in this world, evils I now have the power to stop. To protect people. To shatter the lies which keep the innocent in bondage and build the Gilded halls of the Unworthy. He has put His trust in me - and so, I must do my work, not in His name but in the name of my mission.

I only hope I am worthy.

I fear that I am not.

I am still sane.

I do not know how long it's been since last I wrote - a month, I think, but I can't be sure. My mind is quieter: I am able to pick through the influences and the emotions easier, to compartmentalize between myself and the Divine, to understand the difference between memories that are mine, memories that belonged to others, and visions of what is yet to come. I regained lucidity some three two days ago; I woke up in my living room, half starved and covered in dried blood from my nose, elbows, and fingers. There is a scar in my forehead now - my walls are covered in writing and I still am not sure what I'll do about that (wallpaper I guess? I could learn how to put up wallpaper). Most of it is near impossible for even me to make out; I need to... I guess I need to go to the craft shop and get some blank books so that I can copy it all down. Some of these diagrams are vastly complex and not like anything I could have drawn - those will be difficult.

Is there a way to wallpaper something so that you can find it after you remove the wallpaper?

I think I'm still sane.

The Lord has told me I am still sane.