CRYPTOQUEST HEADLINES: WHO IS THE WINNER?

WHO WON?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE RESULTS.

SIR BENEDICT HOLLYSMITH & SANGUINE BLOODSTORM

SIR BENEDICT HOLLY SMITH, THE ESTEEMED GENTLEMAN, AND SANGUINE BLOODSTORM THE PONYCORN, RELEASED AN INTERVIEW-PODCAST TO BBC2, IN SPECIAL INTEREST PROGRAMING, IN WHICH THE TWO HELD A DISCUSSION ABOUT MAGIC, MORTALS, QUANTUMS, PARALLEL WORLDS, AND GENERAL PONYTALK... BRIEFLY SHOWING OFF TELEKINETIC ABILITIES, AND DELVING INTO AN "EQUESTRIA", THE MULTIVERSE, AND OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC... AN INTERESTING INTERVIEW. 

The Swamp Man (Monster?)

THIS VIDEO, METAL AS FUCK, SHOWCASED A BLACK AND WHITE CAMERA (NIGHTVISION); GLOWING EYES IN THE SWAMP SIDELINE BELONGING TO AN 8-9 FOOT GATOR IMMEDIATELY BEING SNUCK BY A DIFFERENT BEAST FROM BENEATH THE MURK!!! THIS BEAST, WAS MAN-SHAPED, MAN-SIZED, AND WITH THE VIGOR OF MAN WAS DEATHROLLING THE GATOR IN A BRUTAL MORTAL-KOMBAT STYLE FIGHT! THE APEX AMBUSH PREDATOR OF THE SWAMP, THE GATOR, FOUND ITSELF PREY TO THE NOW-DUBBED "SWAMP MAN"; AS THE SWAMP MAN USED A SPEAR-LIKE HAND-EXTENSION TO LAUNCH THE THING AROUND AND DEATH WRESTLE IT ABOVE, AND BENEATH, THE WATER IN A SPLASH OF GORE AND SPRAYS OF BLOOD; BEFORE DRAGGING THE GATOR'S CADAVER OFF-CAMERA AS MORE GATORS SHOWED UP... JUST AT THE EDGE OF THE CAMERA, GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER, AS THE SWAMP MAN TOOK HIS WELL-FOUGHT BOUNTY OFF-CAMERA.

Frankie Horrigan "Goon Giant"

A NEWS BROADCAST (THROUGH HELICOPTER), MULTIPLE FIRST-HAND REPORTERS AND WITNESSES ON-SCENE, BODY-CAMERA FOOTAGE, INSIDE-BUILDING-FOOTAGE, ALL OF WHICH COMPILED TOGETHER FORMED AN EPIC NARRATIVE & COMPELLING RACE AGAINST THE CLOCK AS THE "GOON GIANT" (Now known to be Frankie Horrigan, the esteemed Chicago-Family Mobster), SHOWED UP DURING THE NEMA FIRE-FIGHT OF 2023 TO MAKE A SPLASH... AND A BIG ONE HE MADE, AS HE RESCUED RAY WEST, FATHER TO THE KAN"YE" WEST, FORMER BLACK PANTHER, ESTEEMED MILLIONAIRE, LAUNCHING HIMSELF INTO A WHOLE SKYSCRAPER, DEMONSTRATING SERIOUS SUPERNATURAL ABILITY, AND THEN RUNNING THROUGH THE NEMA AS A FIRE IN THE UPPER-MIDDLE FLOORS RAGED. THE "GOON GIANT", THE FRANKIE HORRIGAN, THEN DEMOLISHED ARMED THUGS ON HIS ASCENT, BEFORE SMASHING HIS WAY INTO THE PENTHOUSE, DISCOVERING BETWEEN THE ROOMS A SECRET CRAWLSPACE USED FOR A NOW-UNEARTHED TRAFFICKING OPERATION, AND THEN PROMPTLY USING THE LAST OF HIS CONSCIOUSNESS TO TAKE OUT THE THUGS AND RESCUE RAY WEST QUITE LITERALLY; FROM THE END FO THE LINE. NEWS COPTERS THEN CAPTURED THAT FRANKIE HORRIGAN WAS AIR-LIFTED OUT BY POLICE CHOPPERS, WITH RAY WEST, A HERO, AND A MADE MAN. 

RESULTS!

GATOR: 2.6Million views

BENEDICT&SANGUINE: 29.3Million views

FRANKIE HORRIGAN: 44.1Million views

(FRANKIE WINS)

ABC CHICAGO

BREAKING NEWS

--------------------

STARTING EARLIER THIS WEEK RAY WEST, FATHER OF KANYE WEST, WAS PRONOUNCED MISSING IN CHICAGO

HE WAS VISITING HIS LATE WIFE, "DONDA" DONNA WEST, WHEN A PREMEDITATED, PRE-PLANNED, KIDNAPPING & HOSTAGE-RANSOM OPERATION TOOK HIM BY STORM.

===============

RAY WEST FOUND HIMSELF AT THE TOP OF THE NEMA, CHICAGO, A 75-FOOT TALL BUILDING EQUIPPED WITH LUXURIES SUCH AS INDOOR-POOLS, TERRACES, OVERLOOKS OF THE ENTIRE CITY (AND EVEN THE GREAT LAKES), A STATE-OF-THE-ART SKYPIERCER WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, BECAME A TOWERING PRISON FOR THE POOR MAN.

RAY WEST'S SON, KAN"YE" WEST, FLEW IN TO ASSIST HOSTAGE NEGOTIATORS AND POLICE WHO CIRCA 6-PM LOCALTIME WERE PREPARING TO ENTER THE BUILDING, AND BEGIN NEGOTIATIONS, EVACUATIONS CARRIED OUT FOR WHO COULD BE EVACUATED IN THE LOWER FLOORS: AND ADVISORY ISSUED OTHERWISE.

IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL THOUGH, REPORTS OF A BLUE GIANT ON-SCENE STARTLED CROWDS AND PASSERBYS, WHO CAUGHT THE MAN'S ENTRANCE WITH A FEW OTHER GOONS IN SUITS; HE WAS IDENTIFIED AS FRANKIE HORRIGAN (AFTER THE FACT), CHICAGO FAMILY MOBSTER AND "GOON", AND WARNED OFF-SET BY POLICE PRESENCE. THE MOBSTER IS REPORTED, BY EYE-WITNESSES AND NEWS CHOPPERS, TO HAVE WENT INTO A NEIGHBORING HIGH-RISE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET (120 FEET AWAY, HORIZONTALLY).

SECURITY REPORTS THEY "SIMPLY MISSED THE GIANT ENTERING", CAMERA FOOTAGE SHOWS OTHERWISE AS HE QUITE LITERALLY WALKED IN, WALKED INTO THE STAIRS, SCALED 50 FLOORS IN JUST 10 MINUTES (IN A MAD DASH), AND ARRIVED AT THE TOP ROOF-ACESS; ALL WHILE BODY-CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE GOON GIANT HIMSELF CAPTURED THE ASCENT. HE THEN, AS A NEWS CHOPPER ANGLED IN ON HIS FIGURE, THREW A FROSTED-IBEAM ACROSS INTO THE NEMA AT THE 40TH STORY; CRASHING IT THROUGH THE BUILDING'S APARTMENT UNIT, AN UNRAVELING HIS OWN SELF AT THE SEAMS TO "FLY" WITH THE BEAM... ARRIVING IN THE NEMA.

AS HE ARRIVED IN THE NEMA, HE MADE HIS WAY THROUGH SOMEONE'S APARTMENT, YELLING AT SOME POOR MIDDLEAGED MAN TO EVACUATE AS HE, ON CAMERA, AND WITH CAMERA OF HIS OWN, SHOWCASED HIS ASCENT UP THE BUILDING; TAKING OUT TWO TERRORISTS ON THE WAY UP, AS AN UNKNOWN FIRE RAGED IN THE UPPER FLOORS.

HE THEN ATTEMPTED THE VENTS, TO NO AVAIL (SOMEHOW FINDING THE ABILITY TO SQAUSH HIMSELF DOWN TO EVEN FIT IN THE VENTS TO BEGIN WITH), BEFORE SUPER-HERO SUPER-MAN JUMPING UP THE STAIRWELL A GOOD 20-30 FLOORS... GETTING TO THE TOP PENTHOUSE FLOOR, AND BUSTING STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DOORS, THROUGH THE WALLS, GETTING THE JUMP ON THE HOSTAGE-TAKERS BY USING HIS I-BEAM AS A SORT OF RIOT-SHIELD TO BLOCK THEIR BULLET BARRAGES. THE GOON GIANT, FRANKIE HORRIGAN, THEN EASILY DISPATCHED THEM WITH A CONE OF DESTRUCTION; DESTROYING THE ENTIRE EASTERN WINDOW-WALL OF THE PENTHOUSE, AND THE HOSTAGE-TAKERS, AND LEAVING JUST ONE OF THESE THUGS.

THIS THUG, HELD A PISTOL TO RAY WEST'S HEAD, WARNING HIM NOT TO APPROACH ANY CLOSER... ALL WHILE NEWS CHOPPERS, BODY-CAM, AND CAMERA, CAPTURED IT ALL, THE GOON GIANT ATTEMPTED TO REASON WITH THE HOSTAGE-TAKER BEFORE REALIZING IT WAS USELESS... APPROACHING, TERRIFYING THE MAN AND FORCING HIM OFF THE LEDGE... MANAGING TO MAKE A LAST-DITCH CATCH, DROPPING THE THUG 800 FEET WHILE SAVING RAY WEST FROM THE SAME DROP.

THE GOON GIANT THEN PASSED OUT FROM OVEREXERTION, AND BUILDING SMOKE TENSION, HAVING SAVED RAY WEST, AND MADE HIMSELF A HERO AND MADE MAN OF THE DAY... FINDING HIMSELF ESCORTED OUT AND SKY-LIFTED BY A POLICE CHOPPER.

AFTER THE FACT, KANYE WEST HAS ISSUED A STATEMENT.

===============

Kan"ye" West

---------

"That Frankie Horrigan guy's it man, He's... he's the next Big thing! Literally! I cannot give more thanks to the guy, shit, i'ma put my next song on him."

(Kanye West goes on to state how his next track, "Blue Giant", will be commemorating Frankie Horrigan)

:CRYPTOLEAK:

:THE SWAMP MAN:

:IS HE REAL:IS HE AMONG US:

:HE IS HIGHLY DANGEROUS:HE HAS A SPEAR GUN IN HIS ARM:

:SEEN FLIPPING A GATOR:TOSSING THE GATOR IN THE AIR:

:PRESUMED HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE:CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS SAYING LOCATED IN EVERGLADES:

:PRETTY BADASS:WISH I COULD WRASSLE A GATOR LIKE THAT:

:ID HAVE A BEER WITH HIM IF HE CAN SPEAK ENGLISH:HELL YEAH BROTHER:

:VERY VIRAL:I HAVE THE UNCENSORED VERSION:

:MY MOM THREW UP WHEN SHE SAW HIM MORTAL KOMBAT THE GATOR:PLUS HE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT:

:YEAH, TOTALLY NAKED:HELL YEAH BROTHER:

pony event

BBC TWO

An Interview with a Pony: a Special Interest Programme

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One week ago, a special interest piece was innocuously ran on the BBC Two channel - during a special segment on human interest programmes, including many interviews of people of diverse backgrounds, education, and circumstance. This week, recordings of this programme have received an incredible amount of interest - turning into a viral sensation regarding one of these interviews.

We go now to Fredrick "XTLucarioLover" Armani who is the head of the Official Sanguine Bloodstorm Discord Server.

"EQUESTRIA IS REAL. THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, IT'S REAL, AND I'M GOING THERE."

"And you felt inspired by this interview, is that right Mr. Armani?"

"Just me? Are you kidding me? Anypony who's anypony seen this - seen it and it's-it's only the biggest news in the past CENTURY. And like Benedict, like, he's british and so badass. Like steampunk, like that. It's actually a lot like my steampunk pony-"

"Which we'd love to hear about in just a moment. For our viewers, just how big a following does the Sanguine Bloodstorm Discord have?"

"Oh, um... twenty-two thousand members. And um, we're hiring mods, and if you're over 18 we've got a really good channel-"

As you can see, this interview has attracted enormous amounts of online attention. On the main BBC channel, this clip of the famous anthropologist Sir Benedict Hollysmith and his pony companion has many fields of study in a tizzy. Cryptozoologists, Quantum physicists, and Supernatural scientists trying to confirm the veracity of this supernatural creature have been in concerted effort to contact Mr. Hollysmith. Most, it seems, doubt the integrity of the programme, and a handful of hit pieces claiming to find evidence of CGI have been realeased.

Next, the weather.

1

TEST

Vice News Reporter & Investigative Journalist Eli Marsden

"The Corn Cult & Contract(ors?)!"

Over the following last few months Vice News Reporter & Investigative Journalist Eli Marsden, a thirty-something most known for his work reporting on and providing an inside perspective of the rampant Criminal World in places both domestic and abroad, has recently put out something uncharacteristically outside of his genre... what appears to be a sort of Found-Footage almost "Movie" of sorts detailing and showcasing Eli Marsden infiltrating what he initially believed to be some sort of Criminal Mob Initiation, only to wind up in some strange occultist ritual rite of passage.

The footage summarized starts with Eli Marsden seeming to overhear a conversation at Starbucks, the location of which has been left ambigious and jacking the conversation's recipient's ride. Eli then cuts through what is put up as a 10-12 hour ride through the state of California towards... an unknown location nestled in a sort of hill-valley and perpetuated by swathes of tall corn-field... each bearing hundreds of what's initially through the dawn-light percieved as fireflies... the only buildings being that of a classic two-story Farm House and a Red Barn. Eli then listens to three drivers alongside two other participants, whose faces and voices were blanked out and distorted, giving an eerie unanimous solitary speech before ending it with their own unanimous suicide.

The film then goes through a brief investigative phase detailing the torn-to-sunder Farmhouse, ancient family photos dated back to B&W late 1800s film of the same family, and rather abstract & morbid paintings... Throughout the whole thing one of them seems to ramble on like a madman about fairies and strange dialogues, bearing a characteristic mental hospital uniform (of which has not been ID'd) before continuting onwards to the Barn.

The other is a strange ditzy woman wearing some type of lab coat who has come off as very spacey and "Aired Out" to audiences. 

The group is then ambushed and attacked at the Barn by Scarecrow-esque "Jacks" constructed and animated out of green twine vine wrapped around human skeletal remains who'se skulls have long-since been swapped out for green-candlelit jack'o'lanterns... each armed with farm implements and bearing lethal intention. The group, save for the psycho, escape the Barn and hi-tail it out towards the forest road, and a trucking path, to safety.

Online Scene

While the footage is conclusive and does not appear to be doctored in any way this particular Illumination remains Debated at best, as only one-hand report exists currently of the event's occurrence (That being Eli Marsden's)... and no major witnesses have come forward to make any statements or claims about the validity of the footage other than Eli Marsden. 

Online, witnesses have fabricated themselves overnight and all manners of hoax and phony have spawned around the footage including, but not limited to:

• People claiming to have witnessed Eli Marsden enter the Coffee Shop, to have witnessed him on the drive there, to have picked him up (Multiple Accounts, All Conflicting)
• People claiming that they've been to the place (Multiple Accounts, All Conflicting)
• People piecing together and attempting to discern the origin of the place (Conspiracy at best, Clout-chasing at worst.)

Federal Government Involvement

Regardless, the FBI alongside the DSP has gotten involved with the incident, lending some validity to the footage and to the occurrence itself, investigation is currently "Under Way" as per words from the Federals. Interference with the Investigation is likely a crime, and if there is any validity to the footage, it may be inferred that the location itself is likely already compromised and wiped.

The Interview (The Tonight Show)

1. : Welcome everyone, we have a very special guest with us today, put your hands together for the man of the hour Mr. Eli Marsden.
2. [The studio audience goes wild as Eli walks onto the stage]
3. Host: It's great to have you with us Eli.
4. Eli: It's great to be here.
5. [both men exchange a firm handshake]
6. Host: So, how are you doing today.
7. Eli: Pretty well, considering the circumstances.
8. Host: Yes the circumstances, how exactly does one end up in an occult initiation ceremony anyways?
9. Eli: Honestly, sheer dumb luck ...
10. Host: Good luck or bad luck.
11. [Eli laughs]
12. Eli: Well I'm still here.
13. Host: Sorry, go on.
14. Eli: So I was sitting at a table at my favourite coffee shop, the entire place empty except me and the man sitting at the next table when this guy shows up, sits down at the other guy's table and starts talking to him, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation, and honestly, it sounded like a mob recruitment pitch.
15. Host: But it wasn't.
16. Eli: No. So I hear something about some kind of “job” saying that a driver would be here to pick him up and then the recruit got up and said he needed to think about it and disappeared, probably to the restroom. I got curious and went outside and lo and behold there was this relic of a vehicle sitting there.
17. Host: Uh, huh.
18. Eli: And the driver nodded to me, I think that he mistook me for the recruit. So I went “Fuck it” and got in.
19. Host: You just got in?
20. Eli: Yup, I don't know what I was thinking, but you don't end up in my line of work by being overly cautious.
21. [Audience laughs]
22. Eli: So then there was the drive, I don't know if you've ever been in a car for twelve hours straight, but it's awful, especially when there's nothing to drink but hard liquor and nothing to eat but crackers.
23. Host: Hard liquor and crackers?
24. Eli: Yeah, I don't really know why, maybe they're part of the ritual. You never know with the supernatural.
25. [Host laughs]
26. Host: No you don't.
27. Eli: So then I got there, and there were two other identical cars with two other identical drivers with two other “Aspirants”.
28. Host: And the drivers gave that speech of theirs, “Sacred Right of Passage”, “Secure you a place among the Chosen”, “Gain powers beyond your current imaginings”, really spooky shit, that is.
29. Eli: Yeah, but first they pulled a lever that made the cars completely inoperable, spiking the engine, stripping the transmission, puncturing the gas line. Honestly, it reminded me of a tank crew sabotaging their tank to prevent their enemy from using it against them. I've never seen anything like it in either a civilian or criminal context.
30. Host: And then they gave their little speech and shot themselves.
31. Eli: Yeah, three identical men spoke and acted in unison before saluting and shooting themselves. Honestly, I'm not sure they were even human.
32. [Host leans forward]
33. Host: Not human? What do you think they were then?
34. [Eli shrugs]
35. Eli: I haven't the faintest clue. I investigate organized crime, not the supernatural.
36. Host: Well, I guess that's just another thing for our internet sleuths to investigate.
37. Eli: Then the three of us went into the house. It was completely empty, no appliances, furniture or anything. There wasn't even dust. And of course there wasn't water or electricity or gas.
38. Host: There wasn't anything but in the attic?
39. Eli: I'm getting to that, so after checking the first and second floor, we went up to the attic.
40. Host: Where the paintings were?
41. Eli: Yes, along with the box of photos that I have already posted online.
42. Host: The ones with the weird amulet things?
43. Eli: It's not that weird, it's a shield knot, a common Celtic symbol thought to bring protection and is associated with the Cross. Although one of the Aspirants was really concerned about them, kept muttering about whether it was a holy symbol or not, it was weird.
44. Host: Was this the dead guy or the other guy.
45. Eli: The dead guy. Honestly, the kid was the strangest person I have ever met. He was wearing a mental hospital uniform and a balaclava, weighed at most 70 pounds and was talking about fairies coming to get him.
46. Host: Odd.
47. Eli: Yes very. So then we went to check out the barn.
48. Host: The infamous barn.
49. Eli: Yes, so the first thing that stuck out was the stench, the stench of death. I've been to a couple of mass grave sites, and that smell is something you can never forget.
50. Host: From the dismembered animals.
51. Eli: Yes. So I inspected the area and took pictures of the carnage, before finding an area of soft ground. Unfortunately there wasn't anything around to dig with so I had to use my hands. I only had enough time to partially uncover the grave, before the things showed up.
52. Host: The Jack O Scarecrows?
53. [Eli sighs]
54. Eli: Yes, that is what the internet has taken to calling them. So they showed up and all three of us fled to the hayloft, of course that mas made harder by fairy kid somehow breaking the rungs of the ladder on his way up.
55. Host: He broke the ladder? How?
56. [Eli sighs]
57. Eli: Fuck if I know. By all accounts it didn't make sense. So there we were, up in the hayloft with only a bunch of cardboard boxes and a birdcage containing a raven of all things. None of us knew what to do, and more of the things kept showing up until there was a small horde of them at both the base of the ladder and outside the window. Fairy kid was doing something with the boxes, I don't know what. Then I managed to climb on to the top of the barn. That's where I took those pictures of the mass of the things.
58. Host: Yes, those famous pictures, the internet has gone wild.
59. Eli: Then fairy kid jumped out of the window ...
60. Host: Oof
61. Eli: Yeah, so this scrawny nutty kid – who by the way, is carrying the birdcage – runs into the cornfields, taking several nasty hits from farm implements.
62. Host: And then he died?
63. Eli: And then he died. I had jumped off the barn roof and was running into the forest when it happened, but there's no mistaking that scream.
64. Host: And then.
65. Eli: Well, I ran like hell, jumped over a thorn hedge and eventually found my way to the Interstate. From there I hitchhiked to civilization and started writing my article.
66. Host: Any chance you tell us what Interstate that was?
67. Eli: Not a snowball's chance in hell. I'm not going to be responsible for a bunch of reckless “parawatchers” getting themselves killed. Anyways, I don't want to piss off the FBI, I just had a five-hour-long interview with them yesterday where they made it abundantly clear that I was not allowed to reveal the location where it happened.
68. Host: Unfortunate. Well, everyone, that's all the time we have today, give a large round of applause for Eli Marsden.
69. [Both men get up to thunderous appause]
70. Host: It has been a pleasure having you with us today Eli.
71. Eli: It's been a pleasure to be here.
72. [Both men shake hands before Eli walks off the stage]
73. Host: Well in other news ...

Conclusion

The entire event has been chalked up online to be some sort of Conspiracy or new-age marketing scheme for an upcoming movie or film series... which has not only been greenlit, and announced, by Scott Derrickson (Creator and Director of the 2012 horror film Sinister), amongst others. 

The event has been compared to a new-age medium of Film Horror & Entertainment affectionately known and dubbed as "Analog Horror" due to it's raw and mostly unedited nature.

The anecdote about "Contracts" and "Contractors" is strange and the usual suspects online have begun to draw up conspiracies about the Illuminati and the Shadow Government.

Eli Marsden has since remained silent on the footage and seems to have returned to his usual work.