GenWyld investors in new talks

Some noise has been rustled up at the top of the GenWyld food chain! The board of directors, headed this year by returning CEO D. Arwen, is even more cloistered than usual this quarter, and rumor has it that they're gearing up for a new set of investors! According to an inside source, the board hopes to court the ever-notorious Drache Cular, the head of the multimillion Sure-Byte Investments, and is looking for outside talent to finally do the trick in attracting an offer. What they hope to develop with the money is anybody's guess at this point, but given their recent launch of fully genome customizable tails, we know it'll be a riot to remember!

Felix Thoros finally discovered!

After being missing for the last three months, Felix Thoros has been discovered in his home late Saturday evening. His family are overjoyed to discover he was no worse for wear in the interim - apparently suffering from a head injury, amnesia had left him in the care of a kindly stranger, though he was unable to describe whom when questioned. Said his mother, "I knew he wasn't dead, I just knew!"

Felix, when questioned about this new lease on life, confessed he was "just glad to finally be home, with people I finally recognize." He states that while putting his life (and memory) back together will be difficult, "at least I'm alive to do it." We're wishing him well in his full recovery, and to whoever's been caring for him these past few months, we appreciate you!

Actors Jason Momoa, Scarlet Johansson and Keanu Reeves Team Up in New Action Film

The three celebrities have announced that they are collaborating on a new action film later this year during a weekend vacation. 

"We've all done these kinds of movies and really enjoy them," Keanu Reeves states. "I thought it would be fun to do a collaboration incorporating all of our talents to create something wild and something new. More details will be announced when we get started."

Lavaz Family Opening New Restaurant

Word has been going around that Mrs. Lavaz has a secret project in the works and we just got confirmation of what it is! Francesca Lavaz is a proud entrepreneur here in San Francisco and wanted to show her appreciation for the city and share her love for home cooked meals by opening up a brand new restaurant! The site is still finishing construction, but she is hoping to have it open late summer to share. If you have any plans later in the year to visit San Fran, make sure to add this stop to your list for some breathtaking, wholesome and homemade Italian cuisine!

Tragedy in Seattle: Apartment Malfunction Kills Five

In what appears to be a catastrophic infrastructural failure, an explosion in a downtown Seattle apartment this morning has left five dead and three injured. The explosion occurred in the early afternoon - forensic investigation has revealed that it was most likely caused by a faulty oven installation resulting in a gas leak which filled the room. The victims include Sasaki "Izzy" Izumi, 24, the resident of the apartment who is believed to have been killed in the initial blast, and their neighbors Daniel Osmonde, 32, Jacob Osmonde, 30, Lisa Knurt, 28, and Lars Olson, 19, who died of smoke inhalation attempting to enter the apartment before the fire department arrived on scene. The building has been evacuated until further notice as highly toxic compounds have been discovered in the remains of the late Sasaki's apartment, and the oven manufacturer is currently under investigation regarding their use of neoplastics and adherence to consumer safety standards.

California Department of Fish and Wildlife Warns of Domestic Deer

What at first was a welcome development in the ongoing deer population crisis at Yosemite National Park may be taking a turn for the unusual.

Though initially reassuring after the recent collapse of the deer population at Yosemite, a new migratory trend that shows herds of deer from nearby habitats moving into the forest now has park and state officials alike concerned. "At first, we thought it was a breath of fresh air," says Dr. Sam Bradwardine, an ecologist who's studied the Yosemite region for over thirty years. "Deer overpopulation can be a serious problem due to the historic eradication of keystone predators, but they're still a vital part of their local ecosystems. A sudden collapse in their population of that magnitude could have been just as disastrous to the environment as the elimination of wolves in the 19th century threatened to be, so when we saw other herds flooding into the park to take advantage of suddenly abundant food resources, we were relieved. Now, though, we aren't so sure." While the migratory trend initially showed exclusive influxes of nearby surplus population into the park following available vegetation, recent study shows unusual changes in behavior that imply more deliberate migration behavior.

"We started tagging adult females seen with fawns after the collapse," says Evelyn Spatz, a park ranger and tour guide at Yosemite who specializes in working with the park's herds. "We wanted to make sure that we could keep track of them, since they were going to be responsible for replenishing the herds going forward. It wasn't an immediate cause for concern when we started to notice a few individuals moving pretty far afield from the park; it made sense that following a population collapse, mothers might leave the area to make distance from whatever caused it, but then we started noticing something... weird."

"The individuals leaving the park were coming back, and more importantly, they're doing it cyclically," Dr. Bradwardine explains. "Of the deer we've tagged, there are 9 key individuals who have been leaving and returning to the park on a weekly basis, and each time they return, it corresponds with a new migratory influx. We haven't seen this kind of 'gathering' behavior before, and we especially haven't seen it oriented around what appear to be dominant females like this."

"The tourists love it, but it has all of us worried," Ms. Spatz said when we interviewed her while she was overseeing one of the observation areas in Yosemite. "Ever since this started, the deer have been way more friendly to humans - I've gotten at least a dozen proposals from local tour companies wanting to sell a 'feed the deer' attraction." Despite the lucrative opportunity, Evelyn - and most of her colleagues - are cautious. "Animals don't show drastic changes in behavior for no reason, and prey animals like deer in particular aren't supposed to be this comfortable around one of their primary natural predators. Deer are weird and I love them, but they're also a lot more dangerous than people give them credit for; from what I've heard, it sounds like this new social behavior isn't just local to Yosemite, and it's only a matter of time before someone tries something they shouldn't and gets a hoof through the ribs."

In light of these events, the California Department of Fish and Wildlife has issued a formal warning against socializing with California State deer populations in hopes of curbing the recent social media trend of "herd selfies" taking off on TikTok and Instagram, and is establishing a perimeter of volunteers drawn from the Parks service around state borders to monitor any migration across state lines. 

There is currently no news as to when Yosemite National Park intends to reissue hunting licenses.

Local Tech Genius Hosts Dog Birthday Party

The rich and famous... they're just like us! Los Angeles' resident tech genius Chad Liang hosted a very fun night in honor of his pup's birthday party this last week. From the Instagram stories, it seemed to be a blast! His husband Kyle, best known for modeling in the advertisements for Chad's protein powder "Source", was seen being the life of the party and ensuring everyone got a jello shot. The guest list included childhood friends, a few Hollywood stars, and coworkers at various companies under Chad's conglomerate. And of course, no party would be complete without multiple cakes, Dance Dance Revolution and an intense game of fetch! We hope that we can make it to Jenkins' next birthday party!

~from a gossip rag the next week~

San Francisco Museum Burns

the below is a snippet from a San Francisco Times article posted one day after Za'id returned the scroll to the Donna

The San Francisco Contemporary Jewish Museum burned down on Friday evening, in a tragic accident that also took five lives. The museum, having closed to the public this last December due to budget cuts, was being maintained by a group of volunteers made up primarily of the museum's board of trustees. The closure, while an indefinite one, was not meant to be permanent; the executive director said in a statement last fall that they were "hoping to restructure and rebuild, but would need to see what the future held for the museum." Unfortunately, while five of the volunteers were holding a Shabbat dinner inside the museum on Friday, the future was decided for the museum when a pair of curtains caught a stray spark, with the fire quickly spreading. The fire destroyed not only the structure and building of the museum, but also the remaining exhibits and items inside. The five volunteers were a prominent rabbi in the local Jewish community and his wife, a pair of siblings who grew up just down the block, and the museum's former Director of Artistic Vision. Their bodies were found just inside the entrance to the museum, having suffocated due to smoke inhalation and having suffered intensive burns. With their phones having been off for Shabbat dinner, and the fire having started deep inside the museum and spreading outwards, the fire department was not activated until after the fire had already reached the outside walls, and therefore they were not able to save either the structure or the people inside. A memorial will be held at the Reform Synagogue, two Fridays from today. The museum's executive director declined to make a statement for this article, however is expected to appear at the memorial. Donations for the victim's families can be made to the Reform Synagogue, who are putting together resources for their shaken community.

Gang Violence in San Francisco Rising Once More!

After the terrible accident in Chinatown that killed someone that has now been identified as a member of the Triads last month, there have been more altercations between the Mafia Families and the Triads active in the area. Eye witnesses have reported that the Mafia members seem like they've lost their fear of injury, getting shot and simply laughing. Some witnesses swear that they see those same men out and about later in the same day, looking fit as a fiddle. When are the police going to do something about this? How much are they going to let slide before they start doing their job?

Yosemite deer herd found near El Portal

This just in: a small herd of about 10 deer have made their way towards the streets of El Portal all the way from Yosemite! Civilians got a good laugh and many cute photos posing with some of the wild deer, who seemed incredibly calm around humans. They stayed two days in a local park, quietly grazing and watching passerby's on their way to work. The group was seen leaving early this morning back to the park, and with a few extra friends as well! You can find images of the local shenanigans on Instagram under the hashtag #yosemitedeer, and share any moments you were able to catch with the new neighbors online as well for a chance to be featured next week!