West Point Penetrated?

Groundskeepers at West Point Military Academy found a section of fence on Thursday which appeared to have been cut through with bolt cutters. The fence secured the wooded training area south of the Academy’s main campus, which contains over 6,500 acres of forest. The campus was placed under brief lockdown while the forest was searched with dogs, but the only intruder found was a resident of The City who claimed she had gotten lost while hiking. She claimed not to know anything about the fencing, and officials reported that she claimed to not even know where she was. The woman is currently being held pending further investigation.

Abe Industries Shakeup

Abe Industries chairwoman Abe So-Sobo, 86, announced this week to the board, which consists mostly of family members, that grandchildren Abe O-Toki and Abe O-Natsu would be removed from the company hierarchy, and that Abe Industries would divest itself from certain subsidiary companies at earliest convenience. Abe also announced that she would soon be revising her will to reflect the changes for the two disavowed junior executives. No information was released at this time for the changes, but it promises to bring changes to a company traditionally resistant to change.

Captain of Industry found dead in home on private island

Marcel LASTNAME was found dead in unusual circumstances in his home last week. The other members of his home were also deceased; investigations are ongoing.

Bizarre Missing Persons Case!

35 locals to the Big Orange were found wandering inside the Catalant Industries Building at midnight with no memory of the time after 8am that day.  All 35 individuals were detained by law enforcement and questioned. Police were baffled as to how these individuals managed to evade all the security cameras and enter the Catalant Industries Building after hours without any discovery. Security footage shows each individual appearing in the lobby after exiting the elevator by themselves. 

Several of these suspicious individuals have been transferred to the hospital for medical examination. 

Bank Robbery Foiled

The Gamgee-Baggins First Bank was the site of an attempted robbery on Wednesday, when a man with an unregistered firearm attempted to hold up the customers and tellers.

Guards at the bank immediately opened fire on the man, striking and killing him, preserving the bank’s reputation as immune to theft.

Local Riders Found Dead

The local Trailriders Association is grieving this week after two of its members were found dead in Sugar Hills Park, following an end of the year ride. Chuck and Sarah Schmidt were found on the Seneca Lake Trail, with multiple injuries. Although the Ithaca PD and Park Rangers are still investigating, foul play is not suspected at this time.

Community Garden Graces Elizabeth Street Park

     Community organizers gathered to break ground on a new community garden this weekend, in the remains of the playground of the shuttered P.S. 21 on Elizabeth Street. Organized by local musician K, citizens of The City gathered to construct "winterized" raised bed planters and plant lettuce, tomatoes, onions, potatoes, and more.

     "Providing the insulated covers like this doesn't provide enough warmth to grow produce during the winter, unfortunately, but it does allow them to put down extra root systems, allowing earlier and greater production next season," one volunteer explained. "It would have been great if the city could have provided the permits sooner, but we'll still be able to supplement the diets of dozens of low-income families across Nolita."

    Organizers thanked K, known within the community as front-person of "K and the Apocalypse," for bringing further attention to mutual aid efforts in the neighborhood. "K really walks the walk, where a lot of other artists think that by just talking about issues they can affect change," said Saori Sano, leader of Hands Up for Nolita. "Without their help, we might have lacked the dozens of volunteers here today, helping to make this garden a reality."

     Locals expressed appreciation of the new project, as well. Les Quaker, who attended P.S. 21 when it was still a school, told reporters, "Ever since the City shut down the school, the community has been wondering, what was going to happen to it, to the space. People were talking about, oh, they're going to sell to out-of-town landlords, they're going to let crooked developers buy it, try to gentrify the neighborhood, drive rent prices up, we're all going to have to move out. So it's really nice to see that, for once, the City is thinking of the little guy. It kind of gives us hope for the community."

Readers who wish to visit the new garden can locate it just off Elizabeth St, between Prince and Spring streets, two blocks west of Sara Roosevelt Park. Although open to the public, organizers request that anybody who wants to participate in the garden contact Hands Up for Nolita.

Except from a Hunting Shack

[Begin Transcription]

[Sound of hinges squeaking]

"Oh my gosh, it's...it's empty. Completely cleaned out!"

"God bless you, Andy, but why couldn't you have just locked the God-bless-ed door?!"

"I'm sorry, Amos, but who could have predicted this? Our shack has been here on the edge of these woods for decades, and nobody's ever bothered it before. That someone would come to it and decide to take our supplies? Come on, who would ever have guessed?"

"You're....[a sigh] No, you're right. I'm sorry. I never locked it either. I'm just...I mean, why would anyone even take that old junk?"

"Well, I mean, I know cast iron has gotten popular again among city folk. I can't explain the rest of it, though."

"The chairs, the blankets? City folk wouldn't care about that."

[Approximately six seconds of silence]

"I'm real sorry, Amos. I know that was the blanket your Gran knitted you."

"It was. That's what hurts most, I think. They don't even know what they've got, what it costs. The rest can be replaced, but...that hurts."

"I tell you what. Elma knows the people who run the pawn shop in Fogelsville. I think I've got a picture from last season or two of you with the blanket wrapped around you. We'll spread it around, let people know we just want the blanket back, no questions asked. See if we can get lucky."

"I...I appreciate that, Andy. That's real fine of you. You're a good friend."

[Approximately four seconds of silence]

"D'ya ever wonder what's coming of this world? Like, even out here in the small towns, we're seeing more crime. Did'ja know Terrance told me he's found evidence somebody's been stealing into the stores on Main Street. Not taking anything that will be missed, he said, but still, what kinda weirdo sneaks into other people's stores and homes, like some kinda pervert?"

"Well, Pastor says we're in the end days, so I guess it's only to be expected. ...Anyway, come on, we can't use the hut like this. We'll have to restock supplies, and we might as well get Elma working on spreading that picture."

"Yeah, fair enough. Let's go."

[Sound of hinges squeaking]

[End Transcription]

APB BOTL: AMBER ALERT

ALL OFFICERS BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MISSING CHILD. 17 YEAR OLD ABE O-TOKI, 5 FOOT 5 INCHES 160 POUNDS ASIAN APPEARANCE WENT MISSING FROM HIS HOME ON FRIDAY NOV 22. REPORTED MISSING BY FATHER. FATHER REPORTEDLY WORKING AT TIME OF DISAPPEARANCE. MOTHER’S PRESENCE NOTED IN 1 POLICE PLAZA WITH LAWYER ON UNRELATED CHARGES, NOT CONSIDERED SUSPECT AT THIS TIME.

EVIDENCE OF STRUGGLE NOTED AT RESIDENCE. EVIDENCE OF FIRE IN CHILD’S ROOM NOTED. DESTROYED PERSONAL EFFECTS IN CHILD’S ROOM NOTED. BLOOD SPLATTERS ON CARPET IN CHILD’S ROOM NOTED. BLOOD SAMPLES COLLECTED, OUT TO LAB FOR ANALYSIS. NO RESULTS AT TIME OF REPORT, REPORT TO BE UPDATED WITH ANY HITS ON CODIS. DRUG PARAPHERNALIA NOTED IN CHILD’S ROOM.

CHILD CONSIDERED IN DANGER WITH NO SUSPECTS CURRENTLY. POSSIBLE RANSOM MOTIVE. CHILD LAST SEEN WEARING GREY HOODIE SWEATSHIRT. APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

NOTE: CHILD IS GRANDSON OF ABE SO-SOBO, OWNER OF [COMPANY]. POTENTIAL MEDIA FALLOUT IF CHILD INJURED OR ENDANGERED BY DEPT. EXERCISE ALL AVAILABLE CAUTION.

“A Rockin’ Good Time

We here in the office of the Connecticut Scholar were delighted this week to be informed that Angouléme punk band “K & The Apocolypse” had agreed to play a private show for residents of the School. Headmistress Wiater made the announcement during dinner on Monday night, causing a great stir of excitement, especially among those who follow the punk-rock scene, but by Wednesday night, even some of the teachers were getting into the mood!

The band put on an “amazing” show, and to the total credit of the band, when some students began displaying their enthusiasm from their seats, the band didn’t miss a note, but continued playing long into the night! Even though some songs were repeated during the “set list,” when the band stepped off the stage, calls for encores followed them.

As bassist Kate Vills told our very own Star Shands, in a private interview following the show, “Listen, we don’t [care] what the rich and politically powerful [people] think, [Students] are people just like us. The real fight should be against the oppressive regimes which keep us all downtrodden under the heels of capitalism! There’s a place in that fight for everyone, whether [Student] or not.”

Right on, Kate! You guys are welcome back any time you care to come, and we hope it will be soon!