Thrash?'s 34th Anniversary Album OUT NOW

World renowned band, "Thrash?", releasing an anniversary album of all their top hits during their illustrious careers. Fuh King Greg, 5x Punk and Roll Hall of Famer, had this to say about being celebrated at the most recent MTV awards: "Yeah I think its really cool that we are still remembered for all the stupid shit we did from back in the day. I've...no WE have grown since then but one thing will always stay the same...OUR VAN!" 

Whispers on the Wind

List-en to the leaves;

the sha-dows in their eaves.

They sing of the lands

twixt great cliffs -

and ocean sands -


A song with-out word

with-out tune, with-out song -

a song with-out being

a song with-out wrong

- Ballads In-Between

Sleep is Good for the Soul

Recent studies of the paranormal have shown that getting your full 8 hours helps your soul in its preparation for the afterlife. Spirits that are restless were often unhealthy, or passed in ways that were premature and unexpected. This loss of life often comes from unhealthy habits in one's lifestyle.

To make sure you don't leave your physical body before it's your time while you hold onto deep-seated regrets, make sure to sleep well, exercise, and eat healthy!

- Para-nature-al: Guide to Living Both Lives to their Fullest

Purple Lighting Strikes Twice in Indian Jungle: New Human-Animal Hybrids SPOTED!!!

In a shocking discovery, human-animal hybrids have been spotted deep in the jungles of India. Local villagers reported seeing these mysterious creatures, which appear to have human-like bodies but animal features, such as fur and tails. Even more unsettling, eyewitnesses claim that these hybrids have been crying black tears, leaving dark stains on their faces. Scientists are baffled by these reports and are sending teams to investigate the phenomenon. The origin of these hybrids remains unknown, sparking speculation about genetic experiments gone wrong or ancient legends coming to life. Some villagers believe these beings are signs of an impending disaster, while others think they are guardians of the forest. Authorities are urging people to stay calm as they work to uncover the truth behind these bizarre sightings.

Groundbreaking growth formula from O.W.L.!

The Nature Conservation Organization O.W.L. has recently reported a new growth formula in the works. This formula is said to cause such immediate and immense growth that plants take root and sprout almost immediately. This will be a large boon to the agriculture industry as well as to various conservation efforts. Research has only just begun but O.W.L. reports a hopeful prediction that a prototype will be released to select groups and corporations in the coming years.

- excerpt from Popular Agriculture Issue #26

Thieves Steal Arcade Cabinet from Storage Facility

After threatening security at the local storage facility, four armed individuals stole a large object (later identified as an arcade cabinet) in a U-haul, and parked 75 miles away in the back of a Walmart parking lot. Police at the scene reported it as an arcade cabinet, but it was lost in transit to the local police station. The transport vehicle was found flaming and overturned - both officers missing. Locals in the area described a blinding flash of light and the sound of grinding metal before discovering the wreckage. More at 9.

- NBC News

Winner of The Annual Sons of Salem Gunshow

God has blessed our first female winner with the strength to surpass this year's trials. She surpassed our expectations by crushing the competition in both drinking and hunting.

Congratulations Wren!

Faith High School Closed for the Week

In what teachers are calling a "much needed sabbatical", Faith High School and Primary School are closing for all of next week. Suspicions arose as to the veracity of these tame claims; with evidence of a potential school-shooting happening in the outskirts of the property. A few children have already unenrolled for what the faculty claims is unassociated circumstances.

More at 9:00. Back to you Barry.

Sweet Fun Dessert Parlor Yet to Find New Owner

Today on Cursed Realty: The Dessert Disaster - Why a popular bit of real estate still hasn't sold in over 6 months

After the owner passed away last year, everyone's favorite local parlor closed with no fanfare or recognition. Patrons with birthday reservations and planned events would show up to a locked door and thick cherry red curtains shielding their view of the dark interior. One month later, the previous owner, Jeong-Suk Cho, put the place up for sale.

Nobody batted an eye. With this market, you'd think people would snatch up cheap real estate, no? Something was terribly wrong inside of that parlor. Buyers described their experiences with ghosts, fires, and odd chills... yet not a single video ever came out on CryptoLeak. That is until today, where my partner in crime and I will show you a haunting you'd never believe. Stay tuned for news on the uncut video that we'll be dropping this Saturday.

It all started with convincing Mrs. Cho we were interested in purchasing the property...

Young Girl found Brutally Injured in Central Park

This afternoon, an injured girl was found on the south end of Central Park. She was purportedly violently attacked in her friend's home and stolen from her family by a gang of four. She gave us a description for one of the four violent gang members - the one that severed the poor girl's arm:

- Purple hair
- Metal hands
- Metal plating on the side of her face
- A purple glow around her body
- Wields a sharp knife

If you see this woman in the New York area, please dial 911. Do not go near this dangerous individual.

- NYPD

Nebraska citizens report fire tornados on the rise

  After temperatures rise to new heights, citizens begin to claim sightings of unnatural green fire tornados. A team of meteorologists began studies on the air quality near farms and found expired chemicals in an abandoned barn that was once owned by the Crysler family that has long since passed. This seems to have caught fire and ignited these unknown chemicals. local authorities have issued an evacuation order for all towns near Doughboy, Nebraska until all chemicals have been identified and dealt with.

The Soul of Seoul

"...take, for example, the events in 20XX that resulted in an entire defunct nuclear waste facility just up and vanishing. In the middle of the day! I don't know about you Gore, but that smells an awful lot like extraterrestrial involvement."

"Moriah, that's a gosh darn buncha hocus horseshit, and you know it. It had to be a government cover-up for some nasty tech they were working on. Probably like a gen-you-ine Gundam laser mech for fightin' the Osaka werewolf population."

"I swear you get dumber every day. Seoul is in Korea smartass."

"Doesn't mean they can't fight them Osaka werewolves."

"Whatever, let's move on. Don't forget today's video is sponsored by Shadow Battlers, an all new MOBA that prioritizes player work ethic over fun. Did you know you can make real bitcoin for every hour you spend in-game...?"

- Redneckbeards on Youtube

Tragic accident claims two hollywood celebrity lives

A 747 was on its way back towards the States last Wednesday evening when tragedy struck. It's assumed the engine failed as they flew above the thousands of miles of ocean, and the plane went down, causing the command tower to lose track of the flight. Its whereabouts are still unknown. There are crews out searching high and low in the waters below for some clues as to where the plane might have gone down. Two U.S. families have reported their loved ones missing from that flight so far, and sadly, it seems they were one of Hollywood's own. The family of Margot Robbie claims she was on her way back from vacation riding that flight and has yet to be seen since it was reported to have gone down. Danny Trejo's family has also reported that he was visiting friends and returning home on the same flight. The families will hold a televised candle-lit vigil to remember both actors tomorrow. 

- The L.A. Times

Black candles for black magic?

The peace in the quiet town of Palo Alto was shattered late one night as cacophonous noise erupted in a condo near the edge of the town. Residents in the lower floors of the condo reported hearing sounds like "the neighing of a horse", "a loud growling noise", and "a howl like a wolf" coming from the higher floors of the condo. This disturbance didn't last long but the noises combined with several noise complaints from residents near the building caused an investigation to be launched as to ascertain the source of the noise. The investigation launched a few days after the report and a savage scene was recorded and logged by the police. Shattered tables and doors, with food strewn about across the kitchen. Several thousands of dollars of property damage were done to this high end condo. The owner declined a statement but provided the police with a list of recent residents showing that the floor was unoccupied. They are suing the city and the police department for inadequately protecting their property from the vandals who broke in and ravaged the entire condo floor. Black residue believed to be wax was found around the frame of the entrance's door and black candles were found in a cabinet drawer. With the recent rumors of a curse going around this investigation is being postponed until a suitable expert is found to be called in to investigate this incident and decisively establish if it truly was an Illumination event. 

-The front page article of The Palo Alto People's Paper

Doctor Discovers Alien Parasite in France

Another alien parasite, matching the genetic makeup of that found in New York and San Francisco, was discovered in France. This issue is now transcontinental, making it an exceptionally puzzling case for medical professionals and governments alike. Unsuspecting patients in hospitals around the world are now being tested for the bug.

West Virginian Family Murdered

It was a late, hot night in July when the police walked onto the scene at the Miller's an approximated 3 days after their deaths. Three were found dead, including an unidentified man not of the immediate family, and the family's youngest adopted daughter, Nancy, was missing. Police suspect the murders and kidnapping are tied to the titular Hourglass Killer, who's identity has yet to be placed.

Why, you may ask?

The unidentified male, found in the nude, had the calling card of the Hourglass Killer etched into his wrists. Another victim of the serial killer's rampage through West Virginia. Make sure to lock your doors and shut your windows tight folks. There's fear in the air this rainy week, and the killer doesn't look to be slowing down any time soon...

- Scary Gary's Radio Talk Show

New Species and Dead Ends

The doctors couldn't believe what they were seeing. Samples from an anonymous patient in New York, New York matched that of the infected corpses from the Lombard Street Massacre in San Francisco, California. The first living human to be reported with the same infection, and they had let it slip through their grasp. The eggs were perfectly spherical, with a coloration not dissimilar to a yellowed amber, and they held the eggs of an alien species not of our planet: a new one. An undocumented species of alien supposedly amphibious in nature was somewhere on Earth. Searches yielded nothing. It appeared as though any evidence of such a creature was lost to the annals of history. But there was a new question: could the eggs be spreading to other parts of the world? If so, how? All these questions and more- are one of the many mysteries of our universe. The ones we see every day.

- Excerpt from The Daily Unexplained by Amelie Paige

Massacre on Lombard Street!

Viscera litters the streets of Northern San Francisco. Last week, at around 7 PM, a massacre took place right under our city's watch. With an approximated 322 victims found dead, and another 1,200 injured, it's a nightmare that there wasn't a single witness to the event. Police who were called to the scene about an alleged shooter at local boba shop, Bobasaurus, found evidence of shots fired from an unidentified handgun. But the damage done to the simple boba shop was nothing compared to the horror that spread down Lombard Street. Sparing the details: day to day citizens, officers, and officials alike all found themselves in unfamiliar locations, covered in ash and blood, surrounded by unimaginable horror. One victim described the episode as "falling asleep to a horrible, painful nightmare, and waking up to one so much worse." Cameras at the original scene of the alleged shooter looked to be disabled, but streetview cameras on Lombard look to hold evidence hundreds of vehicles driving wildly out of control among mobs of citizens running amok, eyes aglow, with a similar disregard, implying the massive episode may have been something supernatural in nature. The police are still searching for the vehicles in these camera, as a few have yet to be found or identified. If anyone has any information to offer, the police advise that you visit or call the support hotline as soon as possible.