So, uhhh.... I guess I'm friends with a couple of muggers now?

I had to get rid of my car. I was feeling real paranoid about it being seen by the cameras outside the graveyard that Periphery had me go to, so I asked the Glory about it and it showed me a bunch of different possible futures. My place in flames, me behind bars, other stuff. But it also showed me ways I could shift the heat off of me.

I tried one of them and it... didn't work out the way I intended. I was going to sell it to some guy, but he turned out to be really nice, and I couldn't go through with it. Stupid me, I caved to him offering help, and I spilled my whole story. He didn't believe me, of course, but he was really nice about it nonetheless, and he gave me a guy to contact for getting rid of the car, which worked out really well.

The guy tried to swindle me out of three hundred dollars for a RIDE though. I said no, which turned out to be a mistake, kind of? It got me followed by these two muggers waiting nearby but they recognized me as a native to the area- living in the industrial district has a lot of benefits, I guess, beyond the quiet I already get from not really having neighbors to my workshop beyond other warehouses and shit. The guys, Frank and Albert, turned out to be pretty nice, and I've got Magic the Gathering games to go to with them now I guess???? How did this end with me being friends with three more people?? I don't really understand. I've never been good at making friends, but.... now I have three. Three actual friends, not just... you know. My boss and coworker.

Oh yeah, and I promised Benny, the first guy I talked to, the guy I was going to sell my car to, to get him in good with a welding job. I hope that works out for him.

Mom contacted me and said that the Foundation could track her moth communication power. it was really scary, but Antony made sure id be okay and sent me to live with my therapist for a while! he lives in an apartment in a reeaaaaally tall building, and his apartment is so high that i could see the entire city! i had to wear my human face a lot if i wanted to be outside my room, but Doctor Ambros [phon.] made sure my room is protected so i can look myself in there. its boring and a bit lonely without Antony around, and not being able to hear from Mom, but im learning a lot from the workbooks that Doctor Ambros gave me, and its not so bad. ive had a lot of time to knit! i made a cape thats green and has a tree on the back because Mom said one of her powers works with a tree and it reminds me of her.

I'll confess, I didn't expect to commit another crime so soon after the job with the vase. I'm a bit disturbed. Am I going to be a habitual criminal now? I would prefer not to be, but I suppose these jobs are likely going to require it. How uncomfortable.

As it turns out, Periphery is a cannibal. She claims she doesn't eat people, only dead people, but I really don't see the difference. She was really dodgy about what we were doing until we got to the cemetery, at which point it was pretty impossible to hide it. I didn't enjoy breaking in, and I definitely didn't enjoy being lookout while she cut open a dead woman and stole her organs. I really, really didn't enjoy that. Or fleeing through the woods.

I have the sneaking feeling that we're going to get caught. I don't know what I'll do. I hope that I can figure something out before then.

This may cause me some difficulty.

Father is less approving of my new employment than I suspected he might be. I had thought he would be excited - or at least impressed! - by my ability to perform adequately with neither oversight nor direction from him personally. Instead he seemed concerned for my safety of all things - this seems rather rubbish to me, given what my performances entail and the signatures they leave on my skin (my beautiful scar-signed skin <3). I was able to convince him to allow me to attend one more job, and to furnish armor for the doing (it is so lovely! too white, but so very different from everything else I've ever worn, even if it is hot and heavy and tight), but he has levered the most absurd sanctions upon me in doing so:

One, I am forbidden to not wear this large amulet he gave me. It's cute, but very strange, and I suspect it might be watching me in some way (which I am not fond of).

Two, I am forbidden from eating or drinking anything other than fresh water while on the job (which is silly and dumb and so very boring because there are so many GOOD THINGS to eat out in the world!!!!)

Three, I am forbidden from fornication with men (which is ALSO stupid, since different sorts of men are one of the more fun things out there - I will simply have to experiment with women instead, which is perfectly fine I suppose, the lack of options is simply intolerable (poor Luz))

and Four - most importantly Four - I am forbidden from attending MORE THAN ONE additional job!

I will have to find some way to convince him this is for the best. Maybe if I suddenly become more invested in the aspects of my study I've always neglected, or otherwise show an improvement in other areas he can be made to see sense.

Failing that, I will simply have to become most adept at lying.

You sit at your desk, staring at your collection of make up, hands balled into fists in your lap.

Your girlfriend is coming over today, you're going to watch The Secret World of Arrietty together. You're excited to show her the movie, apparently her and her younger sibling were barred from watching TV as kids, so she really doesn't have much exposure to... all sorts of things, really. That's not the part that has you so tense, though.

You want to tell her about Julia tonight. How you still love her, and think about her every day even if she's dead. You're really scared that she'll think that you're a weird, lonely, depressing loser for holding onto someone's memory like that. Ems would never be that mean to you, but your anxiety really doesn't care much about reality. The reality is much worse. You could make her uncomfortable, uncomfortable enough that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore.

But that's something you'll face when she gets here. Right now, you're looking into your reflection and trying to figure out if tonight is the night she sees you without make up, or gloves. If you want to be open about someone important to you dying, you should probably be willing to also show the parts of you that are weird. Like your red right hand and spattering of freckles. People have told you they're cute. (The freckles, at least. You still haven't actually shown anyone your hand.) But your childhood of backhanded compliments begs to differ.

It's scary, being vulnerable. But if you can't even manage showing off something as minor as freckles, how are you ever going to open up about the person who has most shaped your life.

You resolve to not put on any makeup. The gloves will stay, for now. Maybe you'll take them off for a dramatic reveal, or something.

* * *

You're nervously pacing around your apartment waiting for the knock on the door. You buzzed her in about a minute ago. You've worn something casual but cute, to lean into the fact you're going without makeup. A low cut, plain white pleated dress that goes a little past your knees, your favorite flannel (the one with the right sleeve cut to show your tattoo), some black opera gloves, and your favorite gemstone necklace.

Knock Knock. Through the door, Ems says,

"Pens! I get the right place?"

Your heart jumps into your throat, for half a second you consider not answering the door. But that's nonsense, you've stared down death at least a dozen times, you can answer the door when your amazing, cool, and beautiful girlfriend is on the other side. A deep breath, and you open the door.

She's leaning against the door frame, arm resting above her head. As always, she looks amazing. Tonight she has graced you with the sight of her wearing a nice white button up, a puffy winter jacket, and casual black slacks. She smiles brightly at you and immediately cups your face, leaning down to kiss you by way of a greeting. You're still not used to this level of physical affection, but you certainly aren't opposed to it. You've been together for about a month now, and been on plenty of dates. Still, every time your lips touch your head empties out and all you can think about is how soft and warm she is. That's probably why it takes you a bit to realize that she's switched to holding your chin and angling your face up to meet her eyes. Her head is titled slightly, short black hair framing her face perfectly.

"You're not wearing makeup." She says, curiously. That's enough to snap you out of your "post-kiss-daze" or whatever you've taken to calling it. You turn your eyes to the corner, not quite able to meet her gaze.

"Uh- y-yeah! I, um. I thought since we've been together for a bit I should try to be a bit less... guarded. Um." You nervously tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

"D-do... Do you like what you see?" You manage to say in a tiny voice, scared that if you ask loud enough you'll shatter the meager courage you've managed to build up. Slowly, Ems leans in close again. Close enough you can feel her breath on your face and her nose brushing against yours. Immediately your eyes snap forward to meet her gentle gaze, her warm brown eyes half lidded. She keeps you there for a moment, your face heating up under her attention. You absently note how your breathing has synced up. You're about to stutter something out when she whispers to you.

"Yup. Even more gorgeous than I imagined. I can't believe you were hiding those adorable freckles for so long..." All you manage to respond is some sort of high pitched... beep, as she finally breaks the tension and turns her face slightly to kiss you.

Warm, Soft, and Safe.

* * *

About an hour later, the two of you are cuddling on your couch. You're balled up and have nuzzled your head into the crook of Ems' neck, and her arm is lazily draped over your shoulders. The two of you are watching the movie in a comfortable silence. At least, you hope it's comfortable for her. You've spent the entire movie wondering when it was a good time to broach the topic of Julia. You've been calling her the love of your life for a while now, and it's still true. Even now, you wish that Julia was here with the two of you. Knowing her, she'd be splayed out on you and Ems' laps, humming along to the soundtrack whenever a song she particularly liked came on.

You miss her, the same way you miss her any time you're watching a movie. You really want to be open with Ems about your feelings, about why you like to watch movies with her even if it makes you a little melancholy. You can't do that if you don't tell her about the person who's been missing from the equation these last few months. About the black ring you always show off on your right arm.

Before you give yourself the chance to regret it, you speak.

"Hey, babe, could I maybe... talk to you about something serious?" Ems turns her head to you frowns.

"Of course, what's- wait hold on." She breaks the embrace and leans forward to pause the movie.

"Alright, you've got my full attention. What's up, Pens?" She's sitting cross legged on the couch and facing you. You already miss the warmth of her arm around you, but you push on.

"Um, you remember how I told you I've never been in a relationship before?" She raises an eyebrow and responds with a cautious,

"Yeaaah?"

"That's still true!" You raise your hands in a slight panic, "You're the first person I've ever had the wonderful luck of calling my girlfriend. You're just. Not the first person I ever had feelings for." You look away and gently caress your tattoo with your thumb, trying find the right words to continue. Turning back to your amazing partner you see concerned confusion in her expression. Stamping down on the guilt you feel for worrying her, you take a deep breath and continue.

"About, three years ago, I met someone named Julia. She was my next door neighbor at my old apartment. She... She made me realize I was a lesbian, and I had fallen head-over-heels for her." You chuckle a little sadly at the memory of the first time you admitted to yourself you were in love. "We were close. Really close. But we never crossed the line into something romantic." You swallow nervously, barely able to choke out the words.

"About 7 months ago, she died." Immediately, Ems pulls you into a hug. She kisses the top of your head and runs her fingers through your hair. It feels nice, but you can't help but be a little confused at the sudden-

Oh. You started crying. You don't know when you started crying, but it has become abundantly clear as you see the tears staining Ems' shirt.

"O-oh shit. I'm getting your shirt dirty, I'm-" Ems cuts you off.

"I don't care about my shirt, Penelope." She says it with such authority and a certainty that it leaves your anxiety no room to try and sour her embrace. You sit there and cry for who knows how long, your best guess is 15 minutes, but it could just as easily been an hour. Eventually, though you stop crying. Ems doesn't stop holding you, and the two of you sit there for a moment, enjoying eachothers warmth. She breaks the silence by gently asking,

"What was she like?" You smile, remembering all the times you spent together.

"Amazing." Is all you can say.

"Do you still love her?"

"Desperately. I haven't had a single day where I don't think about her." Ems chuckles.

"Sounds like I might have competition." You snicker and pull back just enough to face her. With a roll of your eyes, you respond,

"Oh come on, that is the last thing I expected you to be worried about." Ems smiles back at you and wipes away your tears, gently whispering,

"There's that stunning smile again..." Your face goes red, and you vainly attempt to hide behind your hands.

"Jesus, Ems. Do you know how to not be charming?"

"Not really! That's why I'm so good at sweeping cuties like you off their feet." You burst out laughing.

"God! You cannot seriously be flirting with me this hard while I try to spill my guts out to you." She giggles alongside you,

"I don't know how you can expect me to act otherwise, when there is a beautiful kind-of-girl sitting in my arms in need of cheering up!" Grinning, you fall back into her chest, and focus on her steady heartbeat. After another few moments of silence, with you enjoying the feeling of her hand running along your hair, you continue.

"I wanted to tell you about her, because she was- is such a big part of my life. I hope I haven't scared you off? I know we're both poly, so it's hardly an issue for us to have feelings for other people, but I don't know. I figured maybe you'd find it weird I haven't... moved on, or whatever." Ems sighs.

"Pens, I'm not gonna fault you for holding onto the memory of someone important to you, or for still harboring those feelings. Though, I really do kinda wish you told me you were planning on talking about something serious tonight? I really had to change my headspace on the fly, there." You groan into her chest.

"Oh jeez, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that... I was so worried about how you'd react that it didn't even cross my mind that it'd be awkward for you if I just brought this up out of nowhere..." She pats your head a couple times.

"Eh, it's alright. Just one of those things you learn about when you're in a relationship long enough." You give her a little affirmative hum and go back to nuzzling against her. Eventually, she asks, "Do you still wanna finish the movie?" You're about to give the automatic response you have saved for trying to people please, but you stop yourself.

"Honestly? Not really." You laugh. "I'm sorry, I kinda just wanna shower and go to bed." Ems chuckles,

"Heh, thank you for being honest with me." She kisses your forehead. "In that case I should probably get back to my house..." Ems is about to pull away from you but you wrap your arms around her shoulders. With a surge of confidence, you ask,

"You could also spend the night, if you want? We can finish it tomorrow over breakfast. Not to brag, but I make a pretty solid slice of toast with butter." Ems raises her eyebrows in surprise,

"Uh, yeah! I-I'd love that!" You smile and crane your neck to kiss her.

"Want to shower with me?" Ems' face goes bright red.

"Oh, wow Pens. I thought you weren't the biggest fan of sex?" Your face goes red right along with her.

"W-what? That's- No!" Both of you laugh into eachothers arms. It takes about 30 seconds for you to recover enough to clarify what you meant.

"I mean that in an entirely non-sexual context! Like, we just actually shower together. It's... It's something I've wanted to do with someone special for a while. It feels really physically and emotionally intimate without having to deal with sex. And, y'know. I want to be those things with you in a way that feels unique to how I experience those things. Does that make sense?" You're worried you were spiraling into nonsense, but the smile on Ems' face alleviates any worry you might have.

"Yeah. That sounds really nice, actually." Your heart soars and you find that you absolutely need to kiss her, right now. So you do, and it's wonderful. You take her hand and walk her over to your bathroom, on the way there, she asks,

"Do you think you could tell me more about Julia while we do this?" You give her a small smile, recognizing the rare tinge of nervousness in her voice.

"Yeah. That sounds really nice, actually."