Yellowstone to remain closed into tourist season!

[Excerpt from newspaper local to West Yellowstone, though similar stories can be found across the U.S]

Local seismologist Dr. Callum warns anyone planning a trip to Yellowstone to change their summer vacation plans to something a little less dangerous, saying: "...that Yellowstone is feeling a little temperamental, and at risk of having a minor eruption. Nothing that should be concerning on a grand scale, but it's putting anyone inside park grounds at substantial risk."

When asked if this these minor eruptions could be the sign of something more concerning, Dr. Callum assures readers that there isn't anything to worry about. "This isn't that irregular, we've even had to issue similar warnings in the past. It's just a natural function of how our wonderful and weird world works."

Yellowstone is expected to open again in a few months, though with reduced hours. There are concerns among local business owners-

Sergeant Lesley Ferguson Killed in Car Accident

Late last night, Idaho State Patrol officer Sergeant Lesley Ferguson, 32, was killed in a tragic car accident during the line of duty. The debris from the wreckage indicate that Sergeant Ferguson was traveling at speeds in excess of 100 MPH at the time of collision; his police cruiser was reduced to a scattered field of discrete shrapnel. It is believed that Sergeant Ferguson impacted a deer or other animal, as no remains of the other object has yet been found.

Sergeant Ferguson leaves behind his wife, Mackenna Ferguson, and their three children, Danny, Lyla, and Henry, as well as a career and lifetime of integrity and service. While a controversial figure within the force, he was well liked in the communities he served for his commitment to rooting out corruption within the Idaho state police system, ensuring fair treatment of suspects and prisoners, and enforcing the law with a dedication to compassion and service of its spirit over meeting the quota of its letter.

A memorial service will be held this coming Friday, where visitors will be able to pay their respects at a closed casket. If you would like to make donations to support the Ferguson family in the wake of this tragedy, please call...

7-11 Hiring in Small New England Town

Local 7-11 in small, cozy New England town is hiring for a cashier to fulfill day shifts at the gas station and convenience store. Must be RELIABLE, must be AUTHORIZED TO WORK IN US. Must limit medical emergencies, and be FULLY RELIABLE. Ghosting is unprofessional and will not be tolerated!!

You are a good fit for this position if you:

- show up for your assigned shifts each day

- keep call outs to a minimum, and give at least 8 hours notice 

- would never dream of ghosting your employer 

- are at least 21 years old

- consider reliability, punctuality, and strong communication skills as some of your best assets

- have worked in customer service for at least 4 years

If you have interest in this position, please contact Danny at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Only serious applications will be considered!

MISSING PERSON: Annie Reacher

[There is a photo of a young woman on this flyer. She has a round face with an angular chin, and appears of East Asian descent. She is smiling in the photo, and her long black hair is worn in a ponytail. She has a red shirt on, and a little scar underneath her left eye.]

Annie Reacher is a 24 year old woman local to Santa Rosa. Prior to her disappearance, she worked as a driver for DoorDash and was attending Santa Rosa Junior College pursuing an Associate's degree in asset management. She disappeared on [the date is smudged, as though worn off intentionally], and was last seen returning to her home on [again, the date is destroyed, three days prior to her disappearance. If you have any information about her whereabouts, please call the Santa Rosa Police Department at 707-528-5222.

Explosion Rocks National Park

A sinkhole opened in ........ national park, swallowing 100 acres of open terrain. The cause of the sinkhole is as yet unknown, but leading geologists worry that it may be an indicator of increasing activity in the .... supervolcano. Park officials have not yet made comment.

Heiress Missing

New York City socialite Sadie Powell has mysteriously vanished during a weekend getaway to New England. Her tearful best friend, Isabella Clark, explained that the two had been looking for some adventure and intrigue in their weekend, but that Sadie had left one afternoon to pick up dinner, and had simply never returned. The local police, with assistance from the Powells' security firm, have begun an investigation but have found not so much as a single clue.

If you have any knowledge as to Miss Powell's disappearance, please contact the police at xxx-xxx-xxxx or her parents at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Her parents ask that you join us in keeping Sadie within our thoughts and prayers.

Local Home Burned and Collapsed, 3 Dead, 4 Missing

A local home in Challis, Idaho was found collapsed in rubble Tuesday morning when a neighborhood friend of the family went to do a welfare check. "It looked like something caught fire," Amber Bayll comments. "Everything was charred. I called as fast as I could incase anyone might be trapped inside. I told Bill so many times not to do his own electrical work in the house. I'm hoping it wasn't because of that." 

The bodies of Bill White, Laurel White, and a visiting friend, Karen Krest, were found in the remains of the house. Their adult children Donald, Hugh, and Guy, along with Karen's husband Mark, have not been found and are reported missing. If you have any information on the incident or missing persons, please contact local authorities with any details. 

Bill's local club RRA (Redneck Republicans Anonymous) will be hosting a charity dinner for friends and family alike to attend and celebrate the life of the retired police officer and his beloved wife. There will be a mass on the following Sunday dedicated to him and his family, as well as a funeral service later in the afternoon. If you wish to share stories, comforting words, or hear about his times of bravery and service, contact RRA for event times and details.

Beloved Capitol Hill Resident Phyllis Matherson's Grave Robbed!

Late last night, the community surrounding the Tranquility Woods Cemetery was shocked following the grisly desecration of a beloved local figure's grave. The victim - Phyllis Matherson, 11 time Meatloaf Champion and president of the Capitol Hill Moms for Gay and Transgender Rights organization - was buried last week after her tragic killing after a protest against Seattle police's treatment of local unhoused populations escalated to violence; at her family's insistence, she was buried without any jewelry or affects, which were instead sold at a private auction celebrating Phyllis' life and raising money for shelters at which she had volunteered.

"I just don't understand why anyone would do that to her," Donny Matherson, Phyllis' son, said when interviewed. "The other graves were left alone - whoever targeted her must have had a specific reason for it, and... and the body..." The scene discovered was grisly - while nothing of value was stolen, Mrs. Matherson was discovered having had most of her internal organs removed. "We didn't bury her with anything worth selling, and she never hurt anyone. I just don't understand."

Police have not yet released a statement regarding the crime's investigation. If you have any information, please contact Donny Matherson at....

Open Shootout at City Checkpoint - 30 Dead, 120 Injured

Tragedy rocks San Francisco as news of a gunman openly attacking the train access quarantine checkpoint breaks. The checkpoint - which was installed following a recent outbreak of a not yet fully understood disease in the city - proved a lethal bottleneck in transit in and out of the city, with thousands present to undergo screening and processing. City officials had warned the CDC that the bottleneck would prove an ample opportunity for terrorist attack - they were unfortunately proven right when a gunman made his way to the roof of a nearby building and opened fire into the crowd with an automatic weapon. The gunman's identity remains unknown, as is how he managed to gain possession of an automatic weapon within city limits, but police suspect involvement from local organized crime elements. The attack left 30 dead and 120 injured, including Police Commissioner Jared Laughlann, who had been on his way out of the city to visit his daughter and grandchildren in New Mexico. Public pressure against the quarantine checkpoints has increased dramatically since the attack; so far, forty arrests have been made in relation to quarantine runners and violent protests against what city residents are starting to call "hell's bottleneck".