Sycamore Crane's Questionnaire

I live on sorta the outskirts of Morgantown, West Virginia. I live here because I grew up here and, I'm old enough to move out, but I like the farm. I don't think I could load my dogs into a car. We've got a two story house, it's tannish. My parents trucks are in front and my window looks out back to the fields. Living room, dining room, kitchen, y'know... My parents are kinda doomsday preppers and my mom likes canning anyway, so the cellar is full of food and guns and wind-up flashlights and stuff. We have 6 horses, 14 chickens, 4 sheep, 3-and-counting barn cats, and my 4 dogs that hang around. The view is nice from the roof, but I need to get the moss off soon. 

I have an allowance I get from my parents for helping out with farm stuff. I usually spend it on stuff for my room or dog food cause my parents say I'm responsible for them and they fight too bad over the scraps most times. Oh, and like, jewelry sometimes. I like buying from etsy, trying to avoid Shein and Temu and stuff. Most of it gets saved though. 

Oh, my truck, I guess. I'm trying to fix it up and it's not going great... That is draining those savings. I'm just praying it's not the catalytic converter, that it's something I can actually fix myself... So I spend my money on earrings, and truck parts, and dog food. 

My... what? Oh, yeah, okay. Listen, I'm just trying to figure this shit out, and all I know is that when I started accepting these jobs, I think I started getting closer to scratching this itch in- in my throat. To be honest, that's all I need for now. I've been living like this since I could process death and fear that wasn't just a scary movie. I can't shake the feeling of being followed, and I thought that maybe the solution would be to be left alone, but now that I know whatever's following me is getting closer, I realized I wanted that more. Thorn and the dead kid in the woods and the voices in the field, and the fire, and the horses eyes, and mine. 

Would I kill for it?

I don't know if I can give you an answer that's worth someone's life. Like, if I said yes, or no, or probably, and then I killed someone, it wouldn't feel right. I'd have to decide then.

And dying myself, I thought I did already, and I'm holding up alright. I think I might be getting better at handling those experiences, but not... not great. Still. At this point, I still think I could die a satisfied... mm, a little. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't want to die without figuring myself out. So I'd die for it.