Roy Caddock's Questionnaire

I currently live in a condo in the suburbs of Ottawa. It's nice and quiet, for the most part. There are a few squabbles every now and then, however most are just petty dispute that are put to rest with a little bit of talking and maybe some drinks.

As for my place in specific? Well it's not much, I have a kitchen where I cook home recipes, a living room where I watch some of my favorite shows and movies, or I'll flip through the large scrapbook I keep of all my graduating students, well at least all the ones who wanted to take a graduation photo. My bedroom is arguably the messiest. My desk is constantly covered with papers from various different projects or favors.

I can very rarely find it in me to not help someone who asks for it. But it lead to me basically working 9-5 despite being retired.

Right now I'm retired, living off all the funds and such that I put away, however sometimes those who I do favors for will pay me for my time, even if I say they don't need to.

Aside from the basics I do enjoy watching a good movie or two every now and then. As well as the occasional night out or ordering something.

That being said there have been times when I have spend a rather hefty sum of money, at one point my neighbor's car broke down and I paid to help them fix it. Even got the extended warranty on for him.

I know it sounds stupid but I really do just want to to make the world a better, more stable place for the future. And maybe, just maybe, if I collect enough gifts, I'll be able to accomplish that goal.

Killing a person doesn't benefit the world, not even when done for the right reasons or by the right people. We shouldn't have to use such measures against someone to achieve our goals I refuse to believe that.

When I became a teacher I made a promise to students that I would help them find a path forward into the world. And as a contractor, I have the chance to actually do that. The gifts they promise, perhaps with them, a person like me canchange the world for the better.

There was a student I had, Cole Vash, great kid. He had always struggled with school, the teachers could never hold his attention and his work even less so. In all his time with me, I don't think he ever turned in an assignment.

I took him under my wing. I did everything I could to help him, and things looked like they were improving. He became attentive in class, even attempting to answer questions now and then. I still remember the smile he had when he handed in his final test, and how quickly it shattered when I handed it back the next day. He didn't even say anything, he just turned and left, I never saw him again after that. I tried contacting his family but none of the phone numbers worked. It was like he'd dropped off the face of the map.

Ever since that moment I made a promise to myself to go above and beyond to assist others even to my own detriment.

There's Carol, she lives in the condo below mine. Amazing woman, single mother with 2 kids and doing pretty well in spite of it. Her job thankfully pays well and doesn't have her have to go in very often, which allows her to be able to spend a lot of her time at home.

There's my dad I guess, honestly never met the guy. I have his phone number, got it from my mom before she passed, never bothered to call it. I don't even know what I would say if I did call him.

Then there's Greg, an old teaching buddy of mine. We worked at the same school for 10 years and over that time we got to know each other pretty well. I'd consider him the brother I never had. Some can find him a bit intimidating due to his constant calm tone a large figure. But when you get past that, he's a softie underneath it all.

My childhood could have been better, my mom did the best she could raising me without my dad being around. Taught me a lot. Taught me the basis of the morals I have today, and I will forever be thankful for that. I can only wonder how different my life could have been if she didn't.

In school I mostly kept to myself, I had a few close friends but was far from popular, I mean you can't exactly hold a sweet party or something in a two room apartment. I opted to focus more on my work instead.

I wasn't a start student by any means but I was better than average, teachers said I had a, "knack for learning" whatever that means. Whatever it was it carried me through school so I was happy with it. Graduated, moved up to higher education for my teacher's license and well, I gather you can infer the rest.

Can't say I have, at least I don't think I have? I don't think I know if what I was feeling was love.

Everyone always says that you'll know it when you feel it but I don't think that's true. Greg says I probably have some crossed wires in my brain or something. Carol says I'm just dense. At this point I just accept that I know nothing about it

I think I would like to love someone someday, it seems like it would be nice and people have told me as much, granted both people's partners left them so I take it with a grain of salt.

Failing, we'll actually, it's not quite the failure that scares me, but rather the gnawing feeling that I could have done more to help. I want to be able to say that I did all I could and yet... every time... I... I can't help but wonder if things could have changed if I had done things differently.

Maybe if I said something else, maybe if I had noticed a detail sooner, maybe if I had been faster.

It's a life goal that I want to help as many people as I can and yet... every time I try I seem to just not be able to. What good is my gift if I can't even protect people with it?

And along the way I just seem to lose more and more of myself first my eye, now my leg.

It's as if the universe itself is fighting back against me, telling me that my goals are foolish and I'm just a tired old man.

I don't want to believe it, I want to believe that one person can change the world for the better but ever day I feel more and more that maybe the thing that needs to change... is me.

Probably my scrapbook, it has pictures I took with some of my graduating students. One of them was actually the one who made my cane actually, they got a job as a contract metalworker they help some of the large buildings downtown.

But I digress, my scrapbook is like a journal of all my successes, seeing all their happy faces reminds me of all the good I'm manged to do during my time as their teacher. I remember handing each and every one of them their diplomas.

They're the reason I decided to do this work and they're the reason I'll continue to do this work. I want to try and make the world a better place for all of them. If that means I have to put myself in harms way then so be it.

The have their whole lives ahead of them and they get thrown into a world that hates them. It only feels right that I try and make that world just a bit better.