Tatalov (T.) Erving's Questionnaire

New York, but not by choice, you think I'd live in this hell of a city by choice? I'd rather be anywhere else but here, but sadly, that isn't in the cards for me. I'm stuck here, nothing to my name except what I have on my back and whatever I can scrounge up. Guess that's how it goes when some old money Mr. Business decides that you're "too expensive" and throws you out like some puppet.

So now I stay anywhere I can find that's out of the weather and hopefully away from traffic but I can't even manage that some nights. I fall asleep to the sound of traffic and people trying to make their own way in this world that couldn't care two cents about them. I envy them, they haven't seen what I have, and if they're lucky, they never will...

I don't, is that the answer you want?

The only money I get is whatever I can find on the sidewalk or under vending machines. You think anyone is gonna care about some random bum in New York? You would have better luck trying to by alcohol underage by walking up to the cashier and just asking for it then getting a single cent out of a New Yorker. No I'm lucky if I get a couple dollars after a full day.

If I get lucky I can afford a meal from a fast food joint, otherwise it's chips from a vending machine again. 

I swore to myself when they fired me, I would see that it was all destroyed. The entire system is sick to the core. People just trying to live a normal live get pushed around like pawns for the amusement of the elite. They don't care what happens to us, all they care about is their bottom line and that they get their bonus at the end of the month. The same few people have held onto power for to long and it's right about time someone did something about it.

I don't care how long or how much it takes I will tear it down, brick by brick if needed. And if I die in the process, fine, better that then slaving the rest of my life away in a system where those who run it can manipulate every part of my life according to their whims.

Easy, the day I got fired. You think you have your life together, and then, in one moment, it's all taken away. I saw it coming, I guess I just didn't believe it would happen. They asked me about the changes they were making, I told them it would have severe financial consequences, they didn't listen to me, and it happened just like I said. But did they admit they were wrong, maybe make changes to fix things? Did they even think about opening their wallets to fix the problem? No...

Instead they took the axe to every group that they deemed to be "not profitable" ignoring the fact that it was their leadership that made them that way. It was that moment that opened my eyes to the reality of this world. A world run by those who had long since given up on morals and consequences. To them, there is only profit and loss, money and what you can buy with it is all they understand. I'd hesitate to call them human anymore.

It was that day that I decided it would all burn.

There was this one guy I used to pass by a lot downtown. His name was Jerard. He was pretty quiet most of the time, but ever time I'd pass him he would always say something to me. Sometimes it was a simple hello, other times it was a bit more than that. I remember there was one day where he said something wild like "we who walk on the trash of humanity are often the most kind" Like he was trying be the next Diogenese or something...

I... I miss those talks... if you could call them that. I never really said anything back. Just sort of, ignored them. And yet... I think they gave me some level of comfort. Like, a crack in the road you have to step over on your way to work. It's annoying the first few times, but eventually, it becomes a part of your walk, and then, when it's gone, you miss it...

Then there's Lee, an elderly gentleman who I would see at times feeding birds in Central Park. Like Jared, I never really spoke to him, but everytime he saw me without fail he would give one of the kindest smiles I've ever seen. It was as if nothing could ever take it away, rain or shine... Maybe if I ever see him again I'll have to talk with him for once. I wonder if he even goes there anymore.

Then... there's Lyra, arguably my one actual friend. She runs a food truck which she also lives out of, and she's one of the purest people I know. I don't know how she does it. How can you be so hopeful and yet be in such a bad situation? I can't help but admire it. There's something just... whole about her. Like even those she's homeless, she doesn't really act like you think one would. She doesn't ask for pity, she doesn't seek vengeance. She just loves her life.

Maybe one day I can be whole like that too

My childhood was painfully average for a "gifted" kid. I didn't have any of those special classes or anything. I was just good at regurgitating the info they spat at me. Every test I passed with relative ease. I don't think I studied once in my entire schooling. I could have gotten straight A's if I wanted to, but I was fine with just passing. Why put in the extra work if no one cares? It's not like people were going to look at it anyway, they just want something that checks their little scoreboxes, and Tatalov was very good at checking boxes.

My parents were proud of me, bless them. If only they could see me now. What would they think of me now. What would my mother think seeing her only son in the state I am? What would my father think about me loosing my job?

Would they even recognize him

I wouldn't say I've ever been close enough to anyone to call my feelings for them love. People in the business world don't really develop those kind of relationships generally.

And now, well my pool of acquaintances is pretty small. I mean, I can't even think about who I would fall for.

I guess there's Lyra? But I don't... That's not... She's been nothing but good to me. She helped me when others probably wouldn't. I owe her a lot, but love... I think that's out of the question.

All I can do is attempt to repay her in some way. I want to make sure that I'm not a burden to her. I want to make her life easier, to see her happy...

Seeing her happy makes me happy. I want to make sure that she is always happy. I...

...maybe I am in love.

When I first lost my home, I was angry, so so angry. I was angry with the company, I was angry with the world. Underneath all that anger though, I was alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to, no one who was there for me. Nothing but my anger to find comfort in.

I lost a part of myself to that anger, a part I'm still trying to get back. And all of that because I had nothing else to focus on.

I was lucky, I got a chance to set myself right again. That's not a chance everyone gets, and even I only got it just barely, nearly losing my life in the process.

I felt that same loneliness in San Francisco, those first two months, before I called Lyra. It wasn't constant, only moments, but in each of them I felt that part of me slipping again. Falling back into mindless and senseless anger. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't met Lyra and been able to call her.

It's that loneliness that I fear the most. The loneliness that makes me lose myself. I never want to feel it again, and I fear what will happen  if I do.