Sammich Topping's Questionnaire

The day I left home I sweet talked the owner of this old car into giving it to me at a drastically reduced price and well, it was the last parting gift my parents would give to me before I decided to dip out forever that uh, I cashed out on their behalf. I don't live in it per say, I prefer frequenting motels or crashing at acquaintances' but it has come in handy a lot when all I needed was a simple roof over my head. I'm currently in Seattle, 3 hours away from where I used to live in Vancouver. It's alright. I like that nobody knows me here, not really. If I do end up running into anyone I know, it's easy to leave.

It's not that I wanted to get into a life of petty crime, but as someone who knew since barely graduating high school that I wasn't going to get a job I'd say I slipped into that role pretty easily. I don't have much to pay for if I let other people make those purchases for me, and I have friends that are willing to lend me a hand. I'm not a cold-hearted scammer, I do care about them, even the complete strangers, my bad habit of compulsive lying just takes over and I end up getting a free hotel stay here and there. 

Never mind that most of my money goes to alcohol. Bars and clubs are the easiest place to meet people, that's all. I spend a reasonable amount of money on alcohol. Right?

I’ve lost any real ambitions I used to have for myself a while ago, those are for people who aren’t useless slackers like me. I’m just getting by and taking risks until either something very good happens or I end up dead. I mean, I don’t want to die, and that itself is kinda the ambition I’m going for, I just also can’t think of a future for myself and I didn’t want to anyway. I’ve already crossed some lines getting to where I am now, but if it means that my family chooses to break ties with me then that’s all I really ask. I didn’t want them to worry about me when I left and the easiest way to do that is to disappear. That’s all I’m hoping for, is that I can keep running away.

Very early on I knew that nothing I’d ever do could compare to my identical twin brother, Tescoh. So at some point I just kind of gave up. When we were kids, it was fine, people just assumed I’d grow out of it or something, and I used to think that too. For the longest time I felt like a cosmic mistake. It all came to a head when Tescoh left home to pursue greater things and I was still out here living with my parents, not to mention living off money that he regularly gave me. I took it as a sign that they’d be much better off without me, and that I needed to be the one to cut them off before they did so to me. I haven’t kept in touch with any of them since then. 

Tescoh, my twin, whose shadow I can never escape. We were close when we were younger, inseparable even. Had that whole twin telepathy thing going on. Got along like a house on fire, though they were very much the house (the stable one) and I was very much the fire (the destructive one). I can’t make myself admit it out loud, but of course I still care for him deeply and any jealousy I have doesn’t put a damper on my love for him. He’s just a genuinely great person, and well, I’m me. He deserves better than a deadbeat sibling. So no, we haven’t talked in almost a year and I’m not about to start now. 

There’s this girl who tried to get me to join her cult, Ant, and while the cult thing was a bit off-putting I found her charm and honesty endearing. Unfortunately she doesn’t know my real identity or my past, but we’ve had enough good times together (only getting into a little bit of trouble) that I hope she considers me a friend.

Finally, the bartender at the place I regular is always a sight for sore eyes, though I don’t know their name or that much about them. I just like them cause they give me a drink on the house if I ask nicely.

Shit, do I have to answer this? I hate talking about my childhood. I literally have nothing overly good or overly negative to say. Whenever people ask I just make up some silly story about teen stupidity and distract them from having to give like, actual fucking details. Yeah, I can’t do this sober. I need to loosen my tongue.

…

Okey im back. What was the question aghain? My childhood was fineeee okay I don’t really look to it favourably and it haunts me every day but I’m aware that I’m just bitching about somethin that’s completely my fault. Umm, I was always getting compared to my brother who’s perfect in every way and people would expect me to live up to that but obviously I’d just be a big failure at everything I did and school just sucked ass because of that and instead of putting any effort into anything I just never tried cause then uhh, you can’t fail at anything! My parentssss. Just let it happen? I felt ignored and didn’t say anything? I dunno. I don’t like thinking bout it.

I’ve had a few crushes, nothing serious, over the years I have had enough varied ones that I took the ‘Am I Gay’ quiz in middle school and learned that I identify as pansexual. As for serious relationships, I can’t say that I’ve had any. I uh, flirt around a lot and go on a bunch of dates, but it’s all for the incredible benefits of free food and sometimessss a place to sleep. And that’s not necessarily an innuendo. 

i dunno. I don’t think anyone would reciprocate my feelings if they knew the real me. And that sounds like some cringy incel shit, but it’s more that I know I’m too flighty to hold onto a real relationship anyway, so why bother? I’ll take the one night stands over a vulnerable emotional commitment.

I can’t stand seeing my brother actually get hurt. I know I annoy and bother and mooch off of him a lot in the stupid younger sibling (despite us being the same age) way, but at the end of the day he’s the one I trust more than anything and the one I’ve spent the most time with, good or bad. The few times I’ve seen him in distress affected me a lot more than I could ever put into words. On that note, my second greatest fear was realized on that that day he left, where I had to reckon with the fact that he was going to leave. I wouldn’t see him around anymore. And that it’d be so much better for him to not have to deal with me. I acted nonchalant and the worst part of it all is that he bought it. Just for once it would’ve been nice for someone to see right through me, or for me to be able to communicate my feelings, but the lies just slip right out of my mouth. I know it’s not sustainable. I know that everyone I meet is going to leave. And it’s all my fault. Fuck, I’m going to die alone in a shady bar from alcohol poisoning. I’m going to die and no one is even going to care. 

…

Wow, what a way to sober up. 

There's not a lot of things on me that I couldn't live without. I need to travel light for my um, lifestyle. The one thing I've kept on me the longest has got to be my leather jacket/vest though, and as far as sentimental items go it's a pretty awesome one if I do say so myself. What makes it sentimental to me I guess is the fact that I've tailored it, added a few hidden pockets on the inside and painstakingly altered it to have detachable sleeves. I'm also used to the weight of it pressed against me... This is a little embarrassing but I wear it to sleep too if I can... Okay fine, maybe it's a lot more sentimental to me than I thought.  I've had this thing since I was 16, there's that history to it you know? And then there's my signature shoes... and choker... and fingerless gloves... Uhh, shit. Maybe I'm just one of those cartoon characters that have like, one outfit.

It would be sooo much easier to explain what isn’t a problem. But that’s not what you asked so, whatever. I’m kind of living a doomed life, digging myself deeper into trouble instead of getting out of it. I’m not unaware, it’s just easier to pretend I am, to feign ignorance that I’m driving myself to my own death because I’m too much of a coward to stop it. I know drinking this much isn’t good for me, so is the cutting myself off from my past and present, but uh. I just don’t see myself getting better, I see myself getting worse. I just don’t want to drag others down with me when it reaches a critical point. 

I guess the real problem is that I’m my own biggest enemy, and I’ve surrendered that fight. As scary as the contracts are, they kinda give me a sense of purpose and a lot of adrenaline, so in a twisted way I’m glad it’s happened to me. The superpowers are nice too, but I do feel like I’m just gonna die from during them one day if mundane causes don’t come for me first.

Haha. Most my mornings, if I wake up at all during then, consist of obsessively checking my appearance in a mirror for any imperfections. Haven’t done anything to earn it, but my naturally good looks are what I’ve got actually going for me so the least I can do is make sure I maintain it. If I haven’t got housing I head over to this gym with fancy bathrooms to shower and do skincare and all that. Saves a lot on toiletries. I take my time with it, it’s not like I’m ever in a hurry. Oftentimes I’ll even go to the gym for real, gotta keep up my physique. I check my messages and catch up with people (and/or ghost them) before I get on with my day, gotta make sure my alibis are air-tight when it comes to who knows what about me. I don’t often get hangovers when I wake up, but if I do then I just gotta eat some food and nurse it over myself. 

That's 3 whole questions. I'd spend some time on hair and makeup of course, and find a good outfit for the situation. Nothing that stands out, but definitely something that looks good. On me. I um, like when people notice me. Wink wink, yeah? I don't really have the funds to buy anything fancy often, but I keep the few nice fits I have in rotation. Seems to work out well for me. I don't like preparing alone unless I have to too, I'll get together with a bunch of other people who are going and get ready together, make that part of the party. Pregame. That kinda deal. I just don't like looking into mirrors and being reminded that I'm an identical twin for too long. It's been a while since I've seen my brother, but every time I look at my reflection it's kinda like he's there. Anyway, it usually takes me like 2 hours to get ready if I'm not taking my time.