Vel's Questionnaire

Vel goes to a good medical school. Not the best they got into, but a good on, and one they can afford. The city has good public transit, a bus system which Vel takes to get everywhere.

Vel lives in the cheapest apartment in the vicinity of their med school with a few roommates, Xem and Yazil . The apartment has 3 floors and 12 units, and was built a 30 years ago. Vel doesn't have much money, since they are still in school, so the apartment isn't decorated much. The apartment is very minimal, with all decorations and furniture owned by Vel's roommates.  Vel's room is the smaller of the 2 rooms, and is pretty bare . Vel has a small cot, an old computer and a few plastic containers with their clothes in it. Xem and Vel moved to the city together, and Xem started dating Yazil a few months in, and they all moved in together to save on rent.

Vel occasionally does errands for roommates and neighbors to earn a small amount of cash and avoid taking on more loans.

Vel one day hopes to have a larger house, shared with many more people. Vel doesn't like spending money, and wants to live cheaply even after they become a doctor, so they can give more of their income away.

Vel get's their money mostly through student loans , which currently total $220,000, and counting. Vel gets a little money from doing odd jobs (fixing computer issues, doing uber like deliveries, some babysitting). This generally is enough to pay for food, and some rent, but not much else. Vel tries to buy all their own food, and pay their full rent, but their roommates will sometimes sneak in extra food, and surprise Vel with takeout.

During school breaks, Vel can occasionally work more, and during those times, will work themselves extremely hard, and save money for paying down their loans, and saving for future expenses. If they have the mental fortitude they save all of their excess. If they don't, they end up donating a significant amount of their money.

Vel wants to end poverty, and rid humanity of disease.

Vel feels the suffering of others like their own and has been feeling the weight of that since their early teens. Vel would do nearly anything to accomplish this. Vel doesn't think they would ever be in the situation where they would need to kill to accomplish this goal but would suffer and die any number of times to accomplish it. They donated one of their kidney's 3 years ago and would go through that pain any number of times if it would save more people.

Their current plan (pre contract) is to accomplish this by becoming a successful doctor, and then either doing research if they have the skill for that, or otherwise earn as much money as possible that they can send to people living in extreme poverty and spend on global health initiatives. 

Given the opportunity to earn power which they could use to help other, Vel would take it.

Vel had a family with 4 other siblings, and 2 happy and healthy parents. In their teens, their father and 2 sisters died from a rare disease contracted while traveling internationally. Their mother was devastated and withdrew into herself for years. Vel's took care of their younger brothers for most of their childhood, including taking care of them when they had cancer, and taking them to all their hospital visits until their death.

Left with a devastated mother, and one surviving brother, Vel dedicated the rest of their life to making sure no one else would suffer the pain they did.

In the present, Vel thinks and hopes that they would have the same conviction even if their family was healthy and well. They fear that the only reason they care about the world is because their life was thrown into such turmoil. 

Xem. A friend since childhood. Was Vel's Rock for years. No romantic attachment, but platonically partnered for life. Xem works in IT, she is a bit anti-social. Very short, with red-blond hair, and large glasses. Very thoughtful, shy, and very kind. Somewhat stubborn, and very protective of Vel. Support's Vel's goals, but worries about Vel's intensity, and care's more about their happiness than their impact on the world.

Blake. Twin brother, but very different in temperament. Very solidly build, muscular and tall, compared to Vel's stick thin frame. His eye and hair color match Vel, and before puberty, they could have been mistaken for each other. Emotionally has a very flat affect, with occasional intensity which often manifests as anger. Not very thoughtful, but very focused. Currently in the military, and support's Vel's Mother. Disagrees with Vel about many things but is very protective of them. 

Yazil. Xem's Boyfriend, and one of Vel's friends. Tall, kind and well natured. Think's Vel is odd, but the good kind of odd.

Vel had a good childhood. Their dad was a development economist working on measuring the economic externalities of different diseases, and their longitudinal effects. Their mom was an artist/ stay at home mom. Vel's mom was always a bit more... Fragile, but was sweet, and their Dad took care of her. Vel went to a good public school, and mostly fit in. Vel was bright, and prone to showing off a little too much, but that tempered with age, and they found some true friends, including Xem.

Then the bad years happened, and nearly all of Vel's family died. Some fast, and some slowly, painfully slowly. Vel dealt with it and worked with their brother Blake to keep things afloat. Vel took care of appointments, and taking care of their mom, while Blake dropped out and got a job to keep them feed after the life insurance ran out. 


Vel lost most of their friends during this time. People don't like being around bad things. It makes them feel uncomfortable, and unsafe. It takes a special kind of person to be able to deal with that. A special sort of person like Xem.

Vel loves the world and loves Xem. But not romantically in either Case. Vel thinks they are somewhere on the aromantic, asexual spectrum. 

Vel and Xem did date for a little while. It didn't feel right. Kissing didn't really appeal, and it seemed to just add complexity to their and Xem's relationship. Vel settled into a platonic partnership with them instead and returned to focusing on the things they really valued.

Vel's love affair with the world has been much less consistently rewarding. Work and work to make things better, to gain skills, to become stronger, just so you can push the trajectory of human in a slightly better direction by a fraction of a degree. This is hard, and often unrewarding. But worth it. Very worth it.

Now? Germs. Oh fuck they're terrifying. 

I saw it when Dr. Laz used his power on me. Millions of little things in my body working to kill me. Little alien bits of metal removing and fixing them up. 

I didn't particularly feel afraid of them before that day in the light house, but now it jumps to the top of my mind like blaring klaxons. Masks, gloves, and planning on getting a gift that cures disease when it makes sense.

Before that day at the light house, I was afraid that there was something more I could be doing. Doctors help a lot of people and make a lot of money. Those both can help the world a lot. But maybe public policy is higher leverage? Maybe I should have been focused on curing disease rather than treating it. Maybe I could have made a billion-dollar company and sold it.

That would have dwarfed my impact on the world. 

Now I don't really need to worry about that. A billionaire can't do the things I'll be able to do if I get far enough. I bet my life enough times on this, and I'll be able to win a much better world than what I could have done otherwise. 


Sometime Xem will worry that I'll become too fixated on the goal. That friends and family are important, and that too far down this path lies an automaton. 

I'm not really afraid of this. But I'm afraid that there is some future for me where I become someone who can't be in her life. That worries me. 

I mostly don't prize my possessions. I don't like owning to many things. Makes moving hard, and just takes up space. 

Maybe, of the things before the first contract:
1. My computer - It has all my games, all my notes, and is where I do a lot of my work.
2. A framed photo of my family back from when we were all here and whole.
3. Xem's old teddy bear- When we were little, we both had teddies of our own. When we went away to summer camp, we were worried we would miss each other too much and would die from loneliness. So we exchanged teddies. Xem took Mr. Bear, and I took Ted Bearington. I still have Ted, and sleep with him in my bed still.

Now:
1. My Caduceus bracer- It's my first. The promise of the future, and the first step in my new life.
2. My Flare gun. It made me finish my first game a success. I used it to shoot the monster in my second contract. 

Blake's going to train me on firearms so I can use it... any maybe some other gun latter.

I don't have a lot of slack/free time. Residency is easy now because of my Caduceus bracer, but it still takes a lot of time. I spend some time crafting, a lot of time training, and balancing everything is draining. I need to find some ways to spend more time with Xem. I've told her about the contracts of course, and she is ... sort of supportive. But with how busy I am, I don't have the same ability to spend time with her, and other friends that I once did.

I have been able to spend more time with Blake, mostly spent training. But I can still feel it draining me. Every bit of time spent training increases my probability of success. I could build something to get rid of the need for sleep, but that slows down my timeline for making the things which actually matter for the world.

Not worth it.

I'm thinking I might start alternating with training that is a little more emotionally nourishing. Talking with people is an important part of contracts after all. Maybe going camping/ learning some outdoor skills.

The other way to get around this is to find a way to get a lot of money. In 3 contracts I could probably do that. At least I have some ideas for it. Laundering is the hard thing, so that might not even help me with this problem.

I have 3 or 4 alarms setup one after another in my room. I prep for the morning the night before, so I know what clothes to wear. I have an apple for breakfast after I've brushed and flossed.  I have a journal that I try and fill out of what I've been doing and what I've been planning. I don't do this as much as I used to, and now it's mostly just after contracts.

On long residency stints I'll spend a bit more time packing up my stuff, and spend some time hanging out with Xem before I head out. I don't need coffee yet, but I might at some point, especially as my ability to craft improves, and I spend more of my time making things.

I take the bus to work still. I'll probably get, or maybe make a car at some point, but for right now it doesn't make sense. I listen to podcasts about policy, medicine and ethics on my way to works. Right now this is my biggest period of regular downtime. I've been training in the evenings, so this is my little slice of peace.

If I was going somewhere special, I would probably be going with Xem, or Blake. If I was going with Xem, I would ask her what to wear, and at least 30 minutes would be spent dressing me. Xem always has a better sense for these things that I do, although I've picked up a few things. Depending on the day, and how I'm feeling, Xem would either dress me in more masculine, or more feminine clothes. She has some nice flowy dresses that I really like. When I got full fem we do makeup, eye shadow, the full nine yard. It can be real fun. Full masc can be equally fun but a different way. I have one nice suit that Xem got me a few years ago. I wear that, gel my hair up a bit. That takes less time to get ready for. Maybe 20 minutes with a full shower before hand.

If I'm with Blake, I wear scrubs, or a sweatshirt. He doesn't dress up, and I don't either. We don't really feel the need to impress each other or others. 


I suppose now I'll always be wearing at least gloves. Now that I'm down a few fingers...

Assuming I'm not dead? 

I'll probably work through it. I rarely take time off for my birthday. But on the next weekend after me and Xem and Yazil will probably hang out, do a board game, or maybe have a nice homemade dinner. I might pay the one-day membership for a local gym and go for a swim. It will be too cold by then to swim in the lake, and swimming is relaxing. Let's me forget the world.

I'll probably have to visit Mom and check in on her. I love her, but... She feels like a child too me. Couldn't deal with what happened. I don't know if many could I suppose, but it just feels so normal to me. Probably most people wouldn't react as well as me and Blake. But I could grow up, why couldn't she.

Other than that, I'll probably spend the celebration day reading, maybe go on a long run.

I used to have non contract regrets.

Now nothing else I do is nearly as important. I had a messy relationship with Xem at one point. Could have handled that better. It all worked out.


Big ones:
- My first contract that psychopath Liam. Should have stopped him. I wasn't able to. Fuck him. I should have killed him
- The contract I just did. The one with Ride. I should have made sure Ride died earlier. I should have stopped Host. Fuck them all.

It's piece of shit like them that make it hard for those of us trying to make the world better. 

But regret isn't the important question. The important is how I'm going to get better, and prevent it from happening again.

I'm going to get stronger. And learn to fight. Learn to kill if I have to. To protect more lives. I need to be better. To toughen myself up.


The world needs me to be as strong as I can. To do what must be done. the world deserves it.

My gift feels like an intuition mixed with the powerful store of energy that needs structure. What I intend gives it a bit of structure, but the rest of it comes from how I make it. The form and style of what I make influences how the power I imbue manifests. The caduceus is the best example of this. I wanted to make some artifact which made me and other's better doctors, and better at responding to emergencies. Obviously the best way to do that would be with something small and inconspicuous. But if I make it a plane ring, my power doesn't have anything to attach to. This is why it needs to be a caduceus.

This also taught me another lesson, the meaning I draw on isn't inherent, it comes in part from me, and in part from others. The caduceus wasn't supposed to be a medical symbol. It was a confused with the Asclepius, and then persisted in the popular imagination. The "true" meaning doesn't matter though, what matters is what people thought when I was making it.

You can see a similar thing in what I just made, my wind up key. The way a wind up key works is 100% explained by mechanics. Kids add potential energy to a mechanism, then that energy is slowly released by the gears. But the way kids, and people imagine it working is that you put it to the back of a toy, wind it for a while, and then the toy comes to life.

I didn't have the power before the harbingers, but I had some of the intuition. This sort of ability to live both in the physical world while also thinking about the symbolism, and associations. I think that, and my focus on others made this gift manifest the way it did. Harbingers gave me a seed of power, of unlocked something in me, and now with every gift it grows.

Never really saw the appeal with that. Never felt any of the things people who claim to feel spirituality feel. All of the testable claims seem to be false. From a historical perspective, religions seems to be a cultural artifact that is useful to keep people behaving in particular ways, and maybe to facilitate cultural evolution? None of that makes it seem like a good way to acquire information about the world.

So, if there isn't an emotional use for me, or a use from the information religions have, then the remaining question is if religions are good in some other way. Not to be mean, but the moral standards of most religions seem woefully insufficient, in word and in practice. I know a bunch of people who I consider good, and religiosity seems entirely unrelated to that trait. Potentially negatively correlated, but I don't have the kind of sample size to make that determination.

The contract changed everything. I had heard about some supernatural things, but it didn't really matter. My ambitions were limited by the fact that I was just a single person. I could save many lives, but not the world. But with the contract ... I can do so much more. Now, every month I can change the world more than I could in a lifetime for my old self. It's exhilarating and fills my life with meaning. Also, so much more anxiety. 

I don't think it made my life easier. I have power and responsibility now, and that has cost me a lot. I've probably suffered more because of this than any other decision in my life. 

I also suppose that my view of the world is a lot different now. Things feel more chaotic and random.

People have died because of me. I suppose that's the price I have to pay for being in the position where many more can live because of me.

Probably the Person I see most frequently is Dr. Laz.

We went on our first contract together, the cluster fuck that that was.  He's a smart guy, and pretty nice. Has some nano tech abilities that I really don't understand. Working with him is good. I can trust him to try and find a reasonable response to problems and have a have a good set of tools for dealing with a variety of problems. Of the contractors I've interacted with, I probably trust him the most. I've saved his life a few times, and some of his artifacts have won a few contracts for me.

I also worked with Iktan a lot, but only in one contract. I gave him my armor, and in exchange he made the skeleton necklace I use as my main combat option (other than my whistle). He seems like a good enough guy. He helped us with talking to Diana (another contractor that died).

I don't know if I believe in the idea of perfect.

The room I've been thinking about for a while is the room I'd use to make my rod of Asclepius. We would need 2 lines. One for the patients, one for their friend or family member who is going to cure them. Ideally, we could automate with a belt of some kind pulling patients along in case they are unable to move. The friend of family would be in the other line. Likely moving. They would walk to some device wrapped around the rod, put their hand in it to activate the artifact, then leave after their counterpart is cured.


The big question is how to prevent it from being stolen. The easy solution is to make some magic solution so that the rod is indestructible, and traceable. That will keep it from being permanently stolen. But even temporary disruptions could prevent hundreds of people.

Solutions to this: keep track of the weight of the rod + device, have cameras, have cameras recording everyone who goes in and out.

I make things that help people, and I keep my team alive.

I am good at medicine, but Jimmy and Dr. Laz have abilities that makes them better. I’m good at talking, but others are much much better than me at that. I am okay at the covert part of contracts, but others are better, and all my powers for that are borrowed.

The area I have focused on is having the skills needed to make sure we leave alive. If someone gets hurt, I can patch them up. If people try to hurt me, I stay up. I cover the weaknesses my team has, and I build things that are useful for recovery, escape and survival.

No one has died on a contract I have been on, and I intend to keep it that way.

When I’ve had my way with the world, I will spread tools of healing throughout the world, and things will change. For everyone.

That’s  what this all is for. Even if I need to give up most of my old self to do it.

I used to need to save everyone. I felt It burning sharp need in my chest. It is why I became a doctor. The philosophy around helped, and I still believe in that. But the emotional need was what initially propelled me. I wish it wasn’t. That I just had the philosophy from the beginning. Because after contract 4, and the mission with Haze, the part of me that needed to save people has shut down. 

That part of myself is something I’m willing to sacrifice. I’m saving 2 people per day on average now. Their lives mean more than me feeling okay.

i still don’t want to kill people. I think if I really needed to, I could. I did in fact kill 2 people. But I regret it a lot. I didn’t need to. But if it was to save more lives, and there wasn’t another way, then I would be willing to kill people.

1. Dead hearts - Stars.  As much as I don't like to think about, death was a defining part of my experience growing up and maturing. 


2. In love with your Philosophy (In Love with your Philosophy - (Shape of You Parody) (youtube.com)) - I like this. It's fun, and reflects that I spend a lot of energy thinking in abstract.

3. Super boy and the invisible girl  ("Superboy and the Invisible Girl" from 'Next to Normal' Act 1 (youtube.com)) - This was a song that a friend of mine really bonded to as a trans allegory. I really like the show as a whole, and the song... I get it. The idea of having something inside you that isn't seen. 

4. Everything goes on (Porter Robinson - Everything Goes On (Kobo Kanaeru Cover) (youtube.com)) - This kind of song the one that is hopeful, and about a continuing future and more opportunities for the world to progress, and get better. For people to recover, and for the future to get better.  This is the kind of song which gives me hope and life. And it's part of what I consider important about me. That I've accepted that I am one person, and that life, and so many things continue on after me. That's what my goal is after all. To make the world a better place that I've found it. To leave something permanently useful to the world.

5. Gun In My Hand - Dorthy ("Gun In My Hand" - Dorothy - Lyric Video - The Walking Dead Michonne Game [Opening Song] (youtube.com)) - The contract isn't something that I want to be doing. I've done a lot of damage. Hell, an island full of people just died because of a contract I went on. But I need to do this. Everything I am compels me to be willing to die for my values. Unfortunately, that means that sometimes I need to let others die for them as well.

6. What was I made for. (Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)) - This song captures an important period of time in my life. When I trying to figure out who I was, and what I wanted to be. It's even more relevant now, when I've accomplished most of what I wanted to do. The world is better and safer. Soon there will be a large number of artifacts made by me, saving people all over the world. I'm almost done accomplishing my purpose. Why does it feel so empty.

7. POP/STARS 𝐯𝐬 MEGALOVANIA (youtube.com) - I run on an anxious anxiety. This song is the one that most makes me feel it.

My ambitions, and the contracts are going to kill me.

I can make artifacts that can reliably and quickly heal the world.

I'll make more until no one on the earth dies for a disease. And I'll keep making other things till the world is rich and safe. 

You can't destroy what I make. It can be horded, but can't be lost.

I'm now at the point where every contract I do enables me to make artifacts which can save thousands per day.

If you asked one of them if I should retire, what do you think they would say?


I can make more. I can make better.

But. I can do more. After the world is healthy, I need to make the world rich.

I can make items to do that. Feed the world, build shelters. All of it indestructible, and continuing to make the world better long after I am dead.

Because I am going to die doing this. I'm not the best contractor I know, and It will kill me. But every contract will save more than my life. 

People with power often make me anger. Not in a violent way. I'm not a violent person. Even now, as jaded as I am, I don't kill people. But there are so many people in this world with so much power that don't use it to do anything good.

So many of the problems I'm working on could be solved easily if people just used the money and influence, they already had effectively. 

They are so ineffective. Or they just don't care. Either way, it's a waste. It's cheap to save lives, and it's cheap to make them better. But people aren't willing to pay even the smallest price. 

Other contractors annoy me too sometimes. We all have so much power, but so few of us use it do change the world for the better. 

I still like them. They seem to be doing more than most people, but.... When I talked to Bankston after giving his community one of my rods of Asclepius, they mentioned that "not many people keep their morals as they get further in this life."

... I suppose I have lost some things. To be honest at this point, there isn't the same heat or fervor that I had when I started. I feel cold. Hell, 2 months ago I let an island of millionaires and billionaires die in the ocean. And then I let the rest of my crew throw a man out of a plane.

I'm... not the same person. But I chose that. I gave up who I am, and my ability to feel like an innocent in exchange for power. That power is saving a lot of people and will save many more. It's worth it. But I wouldn't have need to make this sacrifice if those that already had power had actually used it to fucking do something.

Fuck. Them. 

I... I tried to keep a lot of secrets. I tried to protect my identity. I tried to hide my location. I stayed in Chicago for too long when I started healing.

Now that secrets gone. Only a few people know, and I trust them to not tell others, but...

I suppose the thing I need to keep secret is the people I care about. They are vulnerable because of me.

I think that I probably am going to be abandoning my old appearance when I can. I'll find some legal names when I need to interact with the law, but people can't know about my family and friends from before.

I couldn't stand for anything to happen to them because of me. I... It's okay for me to give up who I was for the world. I'm not okay giving up them for the world. This is my decision, it shouldn't impact them.

The name that I chose for myself is Vel. I'm not the kind of person who would give myself a pretentious name just because I've gotten more power, or ... achieved something.

I'm doing this for the achievement, not for myself.

I doubt I'll make it to Harbinger. I have allies, and I have useful tools. That makes me a target. I've given up too many opportunities to gain power.

Hell Emily could rip me to shreds. I've met a bunch of people who could. All that needs to happen for me to get unlucky. Meet someone like Haze, but smarter. Able to hide who they are, and what they want.

But I can't stop. I've saved more people already than I ever expected to in my life. And that will continue even after I die.

I'll run anything that doesn't require me to kill more than I save. Or any contract that my allies are on. So, I can make sure they stay alive. 

I bring them back. 

If they died near me, I could do that. I've only had one person die on a contract I was on. I intend to keep that number low.

If I'm too late, I talk to Laz. We get the body, and we figure something out. Death isn't an impossible barrier anymore, it's an obstacle.

We'll figure it out, and find a solution for them.

We can speak to the dead, we know people who can bring them back... We will be able to figure something out.

The real trouble will be what happens when I die on a contract. I can bring others back, but not myself.

My armor should keep me safe, but it isn't full proof. If my allies can't protect me, and I die... Well. Maybe Laz can bring me back. 

I do contracts, because I want the world to be better. But. My goal on contracts that I go on is that no one stays dead.

Mostly, I rely on gifts that others have made for me. Laz has some good disguise and infiltration abilities. I use those when I need to do crimes, and otherwise I keep as low a profile as possible.

I mostly haven't had much trouble with law enforcement because of that. I have had to cover my tracks though. 

When I was healing people, I needed to do it without exposing my identity. For the most part I succeeded. Ware and Edith tracked me down though. Was too predictable.

Now I use my disguise more. I keep it on for longer. I'm working on an alias but am hiding out with friends I've met on the contract.

With the tools that I have, and the allies that I have, it's pretty easy for me to hide my tracks. It will only become more so over time, as I make and trade for more, and more useful tools.

It depends.

Every victory is many more lives saved. 

If I think the teammate is a danger, and will get us all killed... If I have a teammate who can handle it, I help them handle it. If I don't, then I leave.

I can fly now, I'm hard to kill, and I can drop a pretty good distraction. If I want to leave, I leave.

Soon enough I'll have ways to get out faster, travel further. Solve a lot of problems.

Highest priority is that I don't die, and I keep my other teammates safe. If I need to leave, I leave. 


If they do something bad... but I think they won't be a danger, then I hold my tongue till I can get to my friends. Then I tell them.


The police can't reliably handle people like us, so we need to do some handling of that on our own. I don't think that I can be that. But I can provide resources and support to the people who can and will.