Lilith Smith's Questionnaire

He lives in a small desolate community in oregon. His house is located in the woods, away from everything else, away from his 'community'. His house is one story with a larger floorplan. 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath, and sizable common areas. It even has access to a lake, directly behind his place. Yet he lives almost completely alone. He only finds comfort in his roommate(his cat), bee. She's an old Persian cat, a rescue. 

Lilith's parent's bought him the house, after a certain incident happened when he was 17; they were kind enough to give him some space. Lilith doesn't have much of a choice if he wants to live elsewhere. But he enjoys the freedom from the community, especially from his parents. 

He also appreciates the silence. You can't hear much out there, and your neighbors don't complain or worry about the noises.

He gets a majority of his money from donations and jobs from his community. He gets asked to speak for his parents at events, and they reimburse him for his time. He also deals with the more Lucrative aspects of his parent's work. He makes certain deals with individuals that helps keep control over the 'community'. He makes sure to get rid of anyone as necessary to his parent's request. He has a separate account that he made outside of his parent's supervision, he pockets money that his parents gain in increments. He spends that money on a variety of different things. On cat toys/food(High quality for his princess), books, art supplies, clothes. He doesn't have that many passions or hobbies that he actively indulges in.

He wants to become god. Not a god, God. He wants to rule over everything: the past, present, future, every universe, every world, every being, every atom. He would kill his family, his friends, himself, over this goal. He would destroy the world and every living thing on it. Never in his life has he wanted something so strongly. He doesn't even doubt his abilities to become god. He knows he will, he knows he was created for it. He would destroy himself inside and out, for this goal. Over and over to achieve it. He wants to become a benevolent being greater than all of comprehension. He wants to become more than god. He wants to become stronger than god. he wants to become so strong that he there will be no words to describe him.

I have had several, but they were all a blur. I don't think that even if I tried to remember them, I could.

Um.. But there's one outlier. One thing that I could never forget. Not matter how hard I try.. I see him in my dreams. I see him in the mirror. I cant forget him. Even if I really wanted to. I can't forget his voice, his eyes, how he looked at me. 

Anyways,

I had a friend. My first actual friend. He didn't know who I was, who my parents were; and he liked me. And I liked him. He was beautiful inside and out. He would talk to me every day, never missing a beat. The way he called my name, and smiled at me.. I couldn't ever forget him. He made me feel alive.

For the first time in my life, I felt alive. I felt like I could be myself. So I stopped listening to my parents. I stopped being perfect so he could love me. So he could make me feel better. I didn't care about the consequences, I didn't care about what my parents would do to me. How they could hurt me. He was all that mattered.

But yet, they didn't hurt me. At least not how I expected.

They caught us. At one point. We were in my room and they walked in. They didn't say anything. 

My dad went away, and my mom came over and dragged me by the hair. She forced my eyes open, forced me to watch. My dad came back with his gun. And then my friend was gone.

I don't think I ever felt the same after that.

Lilith doesn't have many friends. His only family that he talks to are his parents. He doesn't have any siblings or cousins. And he doesn't have any actual friends, that are living anyways. He has business partners, and people that his parents made to be his friends. But he doesn't like them that much. But he does have a cat. His cat Beelzebub(bee for short). She's an old lady, a white Persian cat. Lilith found her one day after he had an unfortunate encounter with his parents. He saw her in the rain, and he felt like she was a sign. He doesn't think that he loves her, but she makes him feel something. She reminds him of a certain someone. So he would do everything in his power to give her a happy rest of her life. He spoils her more than anything. She eats wet food, high end treats. He buys her little clothes, and so many beds and comfort items. She is absolutely spoiled.

Lilith's childhood was..eventful. He doesn't remember most of it, but he knows it has a great impact on who he is now. He was born into an orphanage, He also was born a girl. He went through a lot of tests. The perfect kid, quiet and obedient. He never talked back or had thoughts of his own. He was constantly expected to be the best of the best. And if he ever fell short, he would be punished. Punishment would be different every time; he couldn't stand it then, and can't now. Lilith did attend regular school, outside of his community; due to his parents believing he was extremely smart. But that fell short after Lilith had a unique friendship with one of the kids. So he was homeschooled and watched. Every single breath of his was watched, and poor little Lilith couldn't take it. And he rebelled. So then his Mother was so kind to let him move away from home.

Lilith doesn't really understand love, or technically, how it feels to love. He's felt loved, and he's cared about someone to an obsessive amount. But he doesn't know if it was love. He just thinks that he was amazing. Lilith would've easily put down his own life, the path to godhood for him. He believed that he was his god, his savior. He made him feel in a way he had never felt before. After he passed though, all Lilith has felt, is regret. A deep hole in his chest that he cant fill. A deep hatred and pain that he can't fix. A hatred so strong that it became love, so maybe Lilith is in love. In love with the god. In love with humanity.

Lilith gets scared, really often. It keeps him going. He's scared of His parents(even if one of them was killed of his very own hands), losing it all, being found out, and him. Lilith thinks very high of himself. He doesn't believe in an all mighty god would smite him, he is god. But.. he does fear his mom. She could take away everything from him and then some, she sees through it all. 

He gets scared when people see through him. It makes him feel weak. He hates feeling weak, he can't afford to be weak. He can't afford to be pathetic. He can't let someone see him like that, then he would fall apart. I can't spare a moment of vulnerability, any millisecond of weakness could cause him to lose everything he's worked for. 

If Lilith lost it all, there would be no point in life. He has to be god. There is no alternative, if he lost all of his progress, it would terrify him. It would make his entire life, his entire life's purpose useless. 

Even besides his growing fear and submission under his mother's control, there is someone he fears even more. Him, He was Lilith's first and only 'love' (which is what he could try to guess what the feeling was). If he lived, Lilith probably couldn't stand to face him. Lilith has changed so much(for the worse), and doubts he would be worthy of his love. Well if Lilith found out that he wasn't loved anymore, theres no telling what he would do.