Why live anywhere? This world is fucked as it is, what this world needs is sacrifice, someone to look up to proper, the government is a bunch of sissies and nobody is willing enough to stand up and show them that everything is shit, I don't live anywhere, I don't live for anyone, this question is shit, fuck off, leave me alone and please don't ask such personal questions, I really just don't belong anywhere, life is too unexplainable to find a place and call it home, but for now, I guess I live in these dorms, but I know soon enough, I'll be back out there again, in some place I don't know, surrounded by more people I don't know, the air feeling different, and my fist clenched again.
I fight people, fix them up, write shit for them, stuff like that, everything and nothing all at the same time, I've never really had a stable job, I'm not smart like that, I spend it usually on shit I need to live, like food... stuff like that, occasionally I get cool jackets or anything to help me beat another man over the head, they get useful, or anything to listen to some music with, stuff like that is cool, music is cool, the noise helps me think, helps me feel more in control, sometimes when things get too quiet, it feels like I'm losing my fucking mind, it really sucks, sucks a lot of shit, ass dick and pussy, all of that, in that specific order, oh, right, back on topic, but this Corporation shit seems like a good job, I mean, I don't know what they need done around that place, but I'm sure I can do it, I can do a little bit of everything, after all.
FUCK, I want to be respected, I want to be the man, the one to look up to, the one to take orders from, the one people trust, even though I don't have all the answers, they'd rather listen to me than someone actually educated, because guess what? THEY RESPECT ME, I want to be known as something more, I want them to need me, crave me, want me, call out my name and revere me, love me, just for once, but since they can't do that for me, I'll have to make them do it, with my skill, my power, my control, the grip I have on the world.
I just want to be known for more than what I really am, I just want to be respected, I'm not educated at all, or anything smart like that, I just... Just want to be fucking wanted, fucking needed, like I was in the streets, when you were stabbed, you had me, but who did I have ever, when I was stabbed (metaphorically) who was would be my doctor?
I don't know man, my fucking, soul ass head just blocked all that shit out, I was just basically spawned into this world and I did what I did, I was picked up by some dudes, I learned how to read, I learned how to throw a few punches, and boom, I just became... Gene, I bet I was gonna have a normal childhood until poverty struck, or something like that, I guess my most defining event was when I found out that the library gave out free books, and then I learned about medicine, then I learned that nobody wants to hurt a backstreets doctor, because if it's anything that these thugs need, its some medical advice after getting their faces kicked in, that notoriety saved me from being stabbed to death a couple of times, it was cool.
Well it's always just been me, Uncle, Dee and Julie, well, Julie I stayed away from, I didn't want her to be hurt, or anything, but she eventually made it out of the backstreets, she was smarter than me, smarter than I ever will be, we read books together and eventually some people found her talent and... She made the right decision, I hope she's living a good life now, I hope she knows that we could've been more.
Uh, anyway, Uncle's a nice guy, though he's a bit of a pothead, not a single day that guy wouldn't be chiefing doobs, house stunk like shit, but he was the straightman to any situation, he was wise at least, introduced me to the backstreet life, even though he eventually regretted it, Dee however, introduced me to punching shit, he seems small and scrawny (he is) but damn can that guy throw a punch, and lead a few good fighters. He's more a leader than a fighter, the Caesar of thugs and low-lifes, he was.
Man, who are my parents? I wish I knew, but... I guess it doesn't matter now, it's been too long, I have Uncle now, he's my uh, like, Uncle, I guess. He's cool, nice, sometimes wise, but otherwise, he's a fucking pothead. Regarding education though, never got it, knew a girl named Julie who went to the same library as me, she went to school, she was smart, taught me some stuff, if that counts at all, but in terms of fitting in? I sort of fitted in, but never really, it felt like I was the only person that actually fucking physically thought in the backstreets, but at least everyone feels normal there, actually feels human, because in this corporation bullshit or whatever, everyone feels like some bizzaro weirdo trying to be as weird and goofy as possible, I don't know how to explain it, but I think I'm the most normal person here, if that counts for anything.
Man, I guess? Julie, but I never admitted anything to her, we're just friends I guess, but I liked her more than she liked me, or something like that, I'm not really sure if that's love, we just studied with each other and she taught me a lot, but she's gone now, not like, she's dead, but she's left the backstreets, she's got a scholarship now or some smart shit, she's a whole lot smarter than me, that's for sure, I wonder if I'll see her again, I wonder if she would like me back? Man, fuck, that sucks, I'm sure there's someone else out there for me, I have to stop thinking of impossibilities, this shit will drive me insane one day.
Being thrown to the way side, being disrespected, being ignored. It all fucking sucks, but in terms of normal fears? I don't have those, I'm a fucking fearless hero, the knight in shining armor, the undying un-killable paladin from the south, or some shit like that, that's what I like to think at least. I hope that's how people view me too, but I know for a fact the people in the backstreets just thought of me as a way to heal from their injuries, they thought of me more like a machine than man I think, but at least I was invincible from being beaten too hard, that's a plus.
But yeah, I don't have that much of a fear in the traditional sense, I just want to be respected, remembered and known, I just want to have control, I just want to be better than most, or something like that, I just want to be something greater, something better, something more than a dirty filthy rat at least, I just want to be a true man, one at the apex of civilization, one that stands above the rest, the one that everyone will look up to, the Julius Caesar of our time, to be studied, idolized and followed.
But life doesn't work that way.
My prized possessions are the connections I have with people. I dwell on my connections though I struggle to make them, like Julie, I can't stop thinking about her even today, Dee and Uncle, I want to make Uncle proud and I want to fight side by side with Dee, though I want to get more respect and more people to side by side with, or more people that fight for me, if you know what I mean?
They're special because I struggle to make connections, I don't trust, I hate, I find reasons to not be around people. But if you're looking for material stuff, I think I care about I guess money? I want to keep myself afloat, and those that rely on me, but still, I value the people I know over money, I value the people I may know, the people that might love me more than any amount of money, I want to have control, I want to be loved, I want to be respected, I want to be happy being me, I think that's special enough.
Finding meaning, direction and a purpose in life, was I born to escape the backstreets or rule it? am I a good person or am I a pure blooded criminal? What the hell am I? And now that I have this new opportunity with at Lobotomy Corporation, I might find what I truly was made for, though this place seems strange, my uncle suggested and gave me this job and pushed me hard upon it, maybe he thinks that I'm supposed to do more in there than just work, maybe with the resources I can get at Lobotomy Corporation, I can clean up the backstreets. Or make it mine entirely, one day, I'll find my grand purpose, I know its something big, I know I'm meant to be more than employee, a doctor, a thug. I'm meant to be known, feared, revered and thought of, they're going to teach me in schools! They're going to hear and know my name throughout all the ages!
I get up when I get up and I pop into the shower for a quick wake up shower, get my head wet, groom myself accordingly for the day and get out there, sometimes I'd go and do shit with Dee, stay home and do whatever Unc tells me or go out to meet Julie, well, when she still used to live in the backstreets, that is, or maybe before heading out I go eat something, but if not I usually just eat outside, I don't really do any fancy shit, but sometimes I do stretch and do some push ups, can't be the best without some muscle right?
I'm not really a morning person or a night owl, I'm like, a day person, an afternoon guy, a man of the mid-day, or some shit like that, I'm sure other people have interesting, long and well thought out morning routines, but not me, I'm a simple man with simple needs.
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Spirituality is cool, I guess, good way to unite people or something, but I wasn't really raised religious and nor are any of the other people in the backstreets, I've only ever read of churches, preachers and things of that nature, I believe in myself, that's it, I want to believe in a better world for everyone, including myself, religion is cool, or something, maybe I need to finish reading those religious books, maybe that will change my perspective in things, because I wanna believe in something, I wanna believe in other people, I want to believe that this world is better than I see it, I need hope that comes from somewhere else other than within, I don't want to crumble, so I will not.
I will get up, every time, and maybe religion and spirituality or whatever can help with that, I need more glue, I need more ways to keep myself together, I need to be unbreakable, I need to be made together, I need to be better than everyone else, better than myself, I need to be better damn it, I believe in myself, I need to believe harder now, harder and harder, I need to believe.
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They're people, I guess, is that enough?
I don't like most of them, they're insane and assholes, they seem to be devoid of normal human thoughts, they're just weirdos, like big ass weirdos, some of them are just antagonistic for no reason, just for no reason at all... I wish i could get them to respect me, and just hear me out like a normal person, and they don't listen to me in battles very well, and they do stupid shit in fights. Lots of stupid shit.
Bill is a pawn,
Sobin is... Whatever.
Mormon is a psycho,
Zayir is a sociopath
and the new guy is kind of useless?
so yeah, these people are weirdos, but at least they're kind of helpful, at least Zayir can fight, Mormon can cook but don't eat his food without checking it, sometimes he poisons that shit, weirdo weirdo weirdo...
and Bill shot me. asshole, dickhead, cockass.
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I'm pretty good at being me. Being Gene is hard, and that's enough.
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someone with a damn good plan.
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https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6KdaihHQ7fXVMJXDIi9yul?si=75acf74f629942ff
PLACEHOLDER
PLACEHOLDER
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I'm going to fucking destroy the status quo, the world will continue under a new reign, might not be mine, but a new one, anything is better than this, first lobotomy corporation, then every wing, every single one, i will fight till the last breath, till nothing is left, till i break every bone in my body, every taboo, everything, no retiring for revolutionaries, only death.
They will feel the wrath of the people, we will be beyond fodder for them, we will show them that even the smallest ants can build the biggest structures, nothing will be left I am sure, I need no more power, I need more people, but they keep killing them, the people that stand behind me, I need stronger allies in higher places, allies you cannot kill so easily, I need time, I need strength, just give me some time, I promise a new world to you.