Kayleigh Jones's Questionnaire

New York City is the shittiest city around, when you really get to it. Stacking up a load of floors on top of each other makes an imposing sight from a distance but when you really get into it the more people you stuff into any given place the worse things are going to get. I live in New York because I had dreams a few years ago. Rising up in the industry, being remembered among the great photographers like Man Ray and Louis Mendes, so I had to be someplace where all the people are.

It turns out that I don't like people very much, but my blog is NYC-branded now. People follow me and support me on Patreon because they're out-of-town tourists who want to see the 'big apple' from all it's sordid angles. Can't move now, I'm stuck here. On the bright side, I know what buildings I can use to run from the cops, which ones will give me the best angles over the city, and which ones will get me killed.

I run a blog called 'Civtas Populi'. That's latin for 'the city of the people'. I had big dreams when I started out. Bigger than I do now, anyways. I take photos of New York City urban photography, pretty them up in Photoshop, and post them there. Some of them are greyscale, some of them are long-exposure, whatever I feel like playing with at the time really. Some folks online love my work, just eat it up. They buy some prints through an online distributor or send me a buck or three a month on Patreon. Sometimes if I'm lucky someone will commission me for a photoshoot. It's not a consistent living, but it's a living. A girl's gotta eat and a girl's gotta sleep under a roof. That's where the money goes.

I am so, so tired of this. Blog post and pandering and patreon plug and eat and sleep and wake up and blog post and pandering and patreon plug, when I was in college I had dreams of being great, but I'm just so tired. I got into Neo-Genis because I thought it would give me the dash of excitement I need in my life again, because I don't want to continue existing as myself.

I want to be special, I want to be talented. I want people to recognize my skill and for once in my life say that they couldn't do the same. Is it conceited? I don't particularly care. Would I kill for it? No, I don't think so. but I think I might die for it.

I've seen a lot, doing my photography. I've seen people doing silly dances together as if the world wasn't there in the middle of busy streets, I've seen cars stacked up on top of each other like a sandwich after traffic crashes, but the worst thing that I've ever seen was a man being stabbed to death in one of the buildings I was trespassing into.

I ran, of course. I always run. It's better to be running away than to be the next one with a knife in their gut. It was probably then when I stopped talking to people in person.

My younger sibling lives in New York too. Their name is Jam. Yes, like the fruit preservative. Fortunately my parents weren't the idiots to pick that name for him, he picked it for himself. Honestly, more power to them. Jam picks up a new hobby every month and loses interest just as fast. I'm worried about Jam, but I admire their enthusiasm. I don't want them to lose it.

I have a roommate. We aren't too close anymore, since we're always out at work at opposite times to each other. To be honest, sometimes I crawl out the window so I don't have to talk to them. We used to be good friends, though. I make sure to do meal preparation for the both of us and she cleans when I don't manage to.

My photography teacher, Miss Numen, is very important to me. She was the one who inspired me to work my hardest and become someone special. She even follows my blog and comments often. I make sure to play up how much I'm living the life on my blog so she feels better about how she taught me.

Growing up, my parents promised me the world that they lived in. They reacted badly when it turned out I didn't want that world. I didn't want to be in a traditional marriage in a traditional home like the one they spent their entire lives building between a stay-at-home mom and an insurance salesman father. They were worried that not conforming to that life would mean I would be unhappy, so they tried to pressure me into it. Didn't work, in the end.

As strained as my relationship with my parents is I know that they did what they did out of concern. They're treating my little sibling better than they did me, and I'm happy for them.

I went to school, and I fit in as well as I could have. I never stood out among my peers, never fell into a clique. I just sort of... drifted there. It brings up mixed memories to think about my school years, where I was so determined to achieve my dreams I forgot how to live my life.

I don't think so? I mean, well... I really like my roommate, and I like spending time with her. But I haven't been spending time with her at all recently and that makes me feel awkward and guilty for not doing it. I haven't mustered up the courage to speak with her much more than a few sentences in person, but whenever she sends me a text asking if I'm alright it always makes me feel... well... relieved I guess? Relieved that she's still thinking of me, even when I can't manage to steady myself and talk to her back.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, love. No, I've never been in love.

I mean, there's no reason why she would... never mind. it's stupid. I'm stupid.

It's stupid, I know. It's childish and it's something I should have outgrown when I was a baby.

I'm afraid of the dark. I remember being a kid and watching TV alone late at night while my parents are asleep and how whenever the TV went dark at night I would scurry back to my room, and how I knew if anything was about to attack me that my parents wouldn't be able to find me and protect me from it. In Neo-Genis I can fight things, I can protect myself, but every time I go urban exploring in the real world there's a part of me that imagines myself getting grabbed or drugged or knifed because someone was there that I couldn't see who wanted to hurt me.

I'm scared of a lot, I'm not very brave, but I'm scared of the dark more than anything else in the world. I don't want to be left in the dark. I bought emergency candles and stored them in my closet and I have a stupid nightlight next to my bed so I can see the ground where I walk.

It's like... the dark is a mirror. I can't see anything so my brain projects things onto it instead, and those things are... scary. It's stupid, I know.

My most prized possession is, well, my cell phone. It's... really helpful to have a way to talk to people without actually talking to people. I can take my photos on it, talk to, um, the few friends I have, learn things on it, so on and forth. Smartphones are really useful things to have.

My phone is... it's where I have most of my photos. Whenever I'm feeling down I just... go through them. I get to see some of the best photos I've ever taken of birds and buildings and things, and I also get to see pictures of myself hanging out with my friends, getting my diploma, and smiling. Those sorts of photos trail off as I get closer to the parts of  my life where I started running Citvas Populi. I just... don't have the time to... take those sorts of photos anymore.

No, no that's a lie. I don't know why I don't take photos of myself anymore.

I've been handling my social deficiencies recently, but my biggest issue is that there's something hunting my friend, Task. I've had to talk to another person, CLYW (pronounced like 'Clue' I've learned) in order to learn about that thing in the first place.

They called it... "The Angel"

I don't know what that is, whether it's similar to a biblical angel or a stylized one or what. That's all I know it by. Task is... utterly terrified of it, based on our conversation. Her text was breaking down and she was pouring message after message to beware it and to stay away from it.

I can't though. As long as the angel is after Task I can't stay away from it. She's a kid, and I don't know who else is looking after her.

I need to be stronger, faster, sneakier. I need to be strong enough to keep her safe.

I promised her I would, even if she doesn't want me to.

First things first, I get up and run across my room to turn off my blaringly loud alarm. I do it like this so I don't just fall back asleep. I eat whatever breakfast I can scrounge together and go for a run. I've been working on actually cooking for myself more, and I feel like that's been really improving my mood.

If it's a work day, I go for a round on a path I stitch together on google maps and take photos as I go. Pretty them up and post them on the blog. Easy work.

If it's a me day, I go and talk to my roommate. We've been getting along better since I've started opening up.

Otherwise... I go onto Neo-Genis. I've been exploring the world and looking for advantages to give myself. I need to be strong enough to take care of the kid, but I also promised I would take care of myself. And I don't break my promises.

I don't look good in dresses, so I would wear a nice blouse and some jeans, I suppose. I've never been great at that sort of personal maintenance, been pretty terrible at makeup, and I can't pull off the suit look very well. Something loose-fitting on the top and tight-fitting on the bottom tends to work well enough for me. I'd brush my hair, as tangled as it can get, and maybe I would put, like, a nice hairpin in there or something.

I'm going to be honest, I've never really meshed well with the 'looking nice' events I've had to go to in my life. Weddings, churches, interviews, things like that. It all feels so stifling. If I want to look nice, I want to be free to wear something a little more done up than what I'd normally wear, rather than having to dress myself up like a perfect princess or some shit.

My... next birthday.

I hadn't thought of my next birthday.

I think that I'll... I'll make a day of it. I'll go for a hike in the real world, go to Sebastian's tavern, pass by the other game world I know of. I'll try to just say hi to everyone. I've never really invited anyone to, like, a birthday party or anything, but I feel like I genuinely like talking to people. Well... some people, anyways.

I'll probably keep the fact that it's my birthday on the down-low until the next few days, of course. I don't think I want anyone making a huge thing of it.

Especially now that I technically don't age, haha.

My little sibling, Jam, was going through something awful while I was at college. I won't go into the specifics, but it wasn't from my family. I avoided them because I was afraid of my family, of going back there and dealing with... all of that. All of those messy, messy emotions.

When I came back, he yelled at me. He told me that he was hurting, that I should have been there when it mattered. I took it as I should have been there to prevent it, but now I find myself doubting.

That isn't my greatest regret. What is my greatest regret is that I still haven't done anything about it. I haven't gotten closer, or become more available, or done anything. But whenever I think of even trying I'm paralyzed by this sudden, all-consuming fear. I'm living my greatest regret, and I don't know how to stop.

I... Hm.

Okay, so. I started off thinking Neo-Genis was just a video game, but now I'm not so sure. It would be easy to say that my gifts are just the game mechanics granted to my avatar, but something really, really strange has been happening.

One of the items I purchased in-game with some levels is an earring which lets me move without disturbing my environment, move straight up walls, and prevents my movement from making noises. Pretty cool, right?

The problem is that I was carving some wood in my player hub, and I'd taken the earring off because it was feeling a little heavy. I realized I forgot something on a higher floor, so I went up a wall to the second floor to go get it.

I went up the wall. I wasn't wearing my earring. All I had was the little charm I was carving instead.

I haven't carved wood again in real life since then. I think I'm a little afraid of what I'd find out if I did that.

...

Hey! Move over, I'm trying to watch the pretty lady!

Get your own space, okay? This one's mine!

Both of you, calm yourselves. She can feel your frustration, and she's got enough on her plate.

I wish she would learn to see us already... ugh, this sucks.

Have patience. She will see us in time. For now, we can watch over her as best we can.

Okay, uh, this one is going to be a little weird.

My family was religious, but I wasn't. I eventually fell loosely into being an atheist, but I never really thought much of it. After Neo-Genis sort of... confirmed the existence of the soul to me, I took things as I learned them but didn't have a reason to think about spirituality again until I met one. Met several, I think?

They call themselves spirits. I don't know exactly what that means but I don't think they're ghosts, exactly. They told me that they started following me around the time when I got my first tail. Their memories were fuzzy, but they saw me on the rooftop with Task.

It's… weird. They weren't spawned into existence by a gift I got, they chose to follow me. They're… interested in me.

Honestly, whatever they are and however they fit into a greater spiritual plan, I don't really care. It's kind of nice to have a few more friends.

I don't think they do? Okay, uh, let me explain.

There's a lot of things which have happened that have made me rethink what I thought I knew. I learned about sentient AI, then I learned about souls, then I learned about spirits and afterlives. It might seem like a conflict with my worldview but… what does it actually change in the moment?

Does knowing about souls make me not want to take pictures of places, or resent having a pair of really cute tails? Does knowing that my friend is made of code make her not my friend? It really doesn't change a thing.

I'm not stubborn with learning new things, the world is always bigger than you've thought before. There's probably a hundred deeper layers I don't know jack about and that's fine. I'm always willing to learn.

Also if I'm being honest, learning about actual real spirits who want to be friends with me is making me feel like a goddamn kid again. This is the kind of thing little me would have gone wild for.

I... where do I start? They're all just incredible.

Task, maybe. She's... delightful. She's kind, excitable, curious, and has a zest for life which I wish I still had. She and Finality both are dear to me, even though Fin can be a lot more standoffish. Fin's gone quiet for a long time now... I hope they're okay.

Personally I'm a fan of the angry digital one. I hope we get to see them again soon.

Oh, then there's Devonia. Devonia is strong and enthusiastic, sometimes a little overwhelmingly so. They're my friend, but they're also a little slow to think when it counts and a little long to think when it doesn't. They've been through a lot in their life, so I guess that's why.

The world around them churns. It's rather worrying, to be honest.

Sora is... incredible. He's confident, has a strong moral compass, but is incredibly creative too. I actually found out recently he wrote that one web comic I love! The world's really a small place, isn't it? He's also deeply protective of those he cares about and has acted as a shoulder for me to prop myself up on when I felt at my weakest. I'm trying to do better to let him know just how much he's helped me.

He rhymes with our little kit. He's been good for her.

Oh, and Maze! Maze is the strongest person I know. It feels like he has a hand in every skillset, which makes sense to me since he draws from the skills of all of his friends. He also gave me a power which I hold very closely to my heart. If Sora is the kind of protector I want to be, Maze is the kind of helper I want to be.

We can hear his spirit loudly. It's almost overwhelming!

Yes. He has the connection that our kitsune yet lacks. With his influence, she will see us soon.

A perfect room...

This sounds cheesy, but the contents of the room don't matter. It's who is in the room at the time. I know that any room which had Sora in it would make me feel that same fire of inspiration that he drives me forwards, and any room with Task in it would make me feel that same uncomplicated care that I do.

Maybe some couches, chairs, and a window to a nice natural view. Whenever I wake up alone in my apartment and look outside, I feel this weight on my heart at how 'processed' everything is. A perfect room would be large enough for those I love, and it wouldn't drive them away. So that I could just... stay with them, I guess.

Though, um, I haven't figured out how exactly Gina makes me feel when she's in the room with me yet. It's a... a little overwhelming. She's so curious and funny and clever, and she doesn't see it, but also I just-

Nevermind. I'll have time to figure that out later.

Oh COME ON! It's so obvious!

Be patient... but you're right, this is a little ridiculous.

Maybe we can do something? Encourage her?

...Perhaps. Even my patience has limits.

Skill isn't enough.

Now, uh, I'm trying to be a little more self-conscious of when I say things like that, so I'll make sure to mention this: I am really athletic. Like, really athletic. I'm not all that brawny, but even without my powers I'm very nimble and I know how to leverage my body mass well.

What I mean by 'skill isn't enough' is that no amount of dexterity is going to stop a speeding train. You just can't 'brute force' a situation like that. If you need to stop a speeding train you don't deflect it with a shuriken, you have to get onto it and stop it from there. I'm skilled, but relying on skill without strategy is stupid.

So I guess my philosophy is be very good at what you do, but don't expect that to solve every situation, because you can't do everything. So... make a lot of friends, I guess?

...

Actually, I might have an idea about that.

She means I had an idea, right?

You'll have your moment, sweetheart.

I guess it means that I'm just... really normal? I don't deal well with pain, I don't like seeing people in pain, and I really don't ever want to have to take someones life.

But... I think I would be okay with breaking those limits if it meant I got to keep someone else, someone I cared about, from having to do it themselves. If we needed to kill someone to survive and it was down to me and Task, I would do it so Task didn't need to. If the only way out was to hit a button that would torture you if you did it, I would do it.

I could handle it so that none of my friends would need to.

...

The kitsune is sleeping now, so I will speak on her behalf.

It is childish bravado, what she says. Our kit has a incredibly powerful moral compass and the weight of breaking it would still weigh heavily on her. It is something we admire, but her desire to sacrifice her own well-being for that of another is something that might break her one day.

I hope that day doesn't come.