Zephyren Sangris's Questionnaire

Zephyren lives in Vancouver, the chameleon city that crams so many identities together that it is anything but itself. By that he means he'd sometimes step out the door and wonder if this was really Canada. Is that good or bad? He shrugs whenever he's asked about it because he's pretty much content if he's left alone while he's out and about.

His apartment is quite bare-bones; it's on the smaller side, in a slightly less crowded place called Burnaby, but no one really calls it that because most people coming from other places would only recognize the name 'Vancouver'. Zephyren hasn't put any effort into decorating due to the lingering notion that he'll soon be flittering from place to place again. Hey, it's bigger than what he had in Hong Kong, so at least he gets to stretch his wings whenever he wants (he's rarely at home) (he doesn't have wings, he's just grown attached to the metaphor).

Why Vancouver? He doesn't really know either. You'd have to ask his friend, though chances are she doesn't remember.

Sugar mommies.

He's kidding. He doesn't know what's gotten into him; he's not the kind of person that jokes around too often, and when he does, jokes often fall flat on the floor like that time he tripped on an imaginary step up on his university campus. 

Zephyren does the odd job here and there. He's not popular enough for everyone to request his help but somehow he's proven himself talented enough to play the piano in a restaurant or fix broken sinks. He had to get by on his own back in HK (such is the life of a child in a workaholic society) and if course that meant clogging up the pipes every now and then. Fearing he'd get evicted, he would search up every possible way he could repair what he's broken and try to get it fixed before his parents came home. In the end his efforts could never fix what really was broken, but at least his skills mean he's saved a lot of money since he doesn't need to hire people to do stuff for him. 

It doesn't mean he's got enough to live comfortably though. Between tuition, food, and rent, he doesn't have much left. Not that he needs anything else right now.

The lonely child burns his village down just to feel its warmth.

To "burn the old world away" is just a statement Zephyren heard long ago, and it has lived rent-free in his head since then. He doesn't quite remember the origins anymore, only the infernal anger felt behind the intention. He doesn't think the other person was ever serious about doing it, seeing as the only thing burning right now was the nearby forest on a hot summer's day. It's always like that; people threaten devastating acts that would never come to fruition, and in the end all that's left is a cold spite festering in silence. 

All this hesitance on everyone else's part has developed a deep hatred against the world. He couldn't depend on his parents, nor could he depend on anyone around him because they'd just end up chickening out in the face of the smallest dangers. Inaction was what led Zephyren to flee, not any actual efforts to hurt him - in fact no one has successfully harmed Zephyren because he knows to step away before the iron is hot enough to leave a blister. Of course it's exhausting to move from one place to the next so rapidly, and he's lost enough sleep to spend his days and nights in constant irritation, but until now he's been chained down by the misconception that he has no power to change anything. It doesn't stop him from trying. Maybe all he's really lacking is the belief in himself. Contradictions, contradictions, contradictions.

Zephyren is tired of waiting for bad things to happen, so he'll take it into his own hands - he always does. He's the only one who goes through with his promises. He's the only one he can count on when it really matters. He'll prove it just to convince himself that his mother was wrong about him being "powerless". 

In truth he doesn't know what he really wants to do. Deep down he knows he can't change anyone or the lies they tell. He knows there's no point in attempting to. He knows that his anger for the universe has burned out long ago, and his present self is just the charred shadow of the past that he so ardently clings on to. He knows his antipathy against people alone solves nothing. He ought to figure it out before he sets a building on fire again, but perhaps he finds familiarity in the ashes.

Going to Japan.

At around the age of 17, Zephyren had snuck onto a ship heading to Japan. He converted his savings from red pockets, allowance, and part time jobs to yen and lived off of that for a while. Fortunately he was able to navigate and communicate through Kanji, besides having had an education in English back in HK. This wasn't anything noteworthy to him, having lived like this for a while now. 

The experience he remembers the most is when he fell into a lake (he swears he simply tripped and fell), and a girl, Caliose, saved him. Her first words to him were: 生きろと命じる. He couldn't understand, so in English, she simply said, "Live". For Caliose's sake, he takes this request (command?) very seriously, even now.

Neither of them had a real place to call home, let alone a family to go back to. Bonding over this, they soon became close friends. Caliose would always have this faraway look in her eyes, while Zephyren only dwelled on whether he'd have food to get through the next day. They didn't live near each other; Caliose lived in the slums while Zephyren was farther out in the countryside, living in an abandoned shed. Sometimes he'd visit and teach her basic mathematics, while she taught him certain survival skills. It was a simple life; he swore he could stay like this forever and he'd be content. Also, he was sure that she had another friend, but she rarely talked about them besides showing him a beautiful illustration she made of that person. 

He had an inkling this was more than just a friend, and he thought about that for a long time too. He still does; he wonders where they are now.

Caliose had been wanting to get out of Japan for a long time. Zephyren thought this place was an idyllic fantasy world, with the vast greenery that he never would've seen back in Hong Kong. Thus, he didn't necessarily want to leave, but he had made up his mind that he'd follow her to the ends of the world. He didn't know if her "friend" was coming (he was even mildly pleased when he found out they weren't), but either way Caliose was set on leaving. (Something was off the day they left for Canada, but he tries not to dwell on it.) In a way, he understood her sentiment. He wouldn't have wanted to stay in a place associated with so many bad memories, and by the time they made it to Canada, they would be able to pave a new path for themselves. 

Nevermind the route Zephyren had to take to become a Canadian citizen; he doesn't talk about it anymore. What's important is that he's in university with a future ahead of him, and Caliose is taking remedial courses for everything she's missed so far. Without her, he probably wouldn't be alive right now.

Caliose Sangris:

Zephyren's friend, who rescued him a few years ago. She has a strong fixation on flowers and nature in general, so she's often seen drawing different plants if she isn't studying or working. Upon coming to Canada they wanted to start anew, so they came up with names for each other. Zephyren's name was derived from Zephyr and Saffron.

• Zephyr, meaning "west wind", is straightforward; they came to Canada from the west (Caliose never understood why Asia was considered an Eastern continent), and Zephyren uses a lot of bird-related metaphors.
• Saffron, or the Crocus flower that it's harvested from, symbolizes joy and rebirth. It's Caliose's way of telling Zephyren he needs more happiness in his life, not knowing she is his joy.
• He does like the vague reference to a phoenix, seeing as his Chinese given name was 鳳鸞, literally meaning "phoenix" and "mythical bird". Nevermind the literary meaning of these two words put together. His parents were definitely cooking something. If only they stopped before they overcooked it.

The last name was a little more confusing; Zephyren didn't want anything associated with his blood relatives, so Caliose brought up the name of one of her favourite people: Kurisu. Zephyren has no idea where that came from; perhaps Caliose's "friend"? She was talking about gates and... steins? Is that the short form for Frankenstein? It couldn't be from pop culture; Caliose never had access to books and television, and Zephyren doesn't know much about Japanese culture besides spending most of his childhood watching Doraemon. Either way, combining the anglicized version of Kurisu with Sanguine (Zephyren really likes the colour red) gave them Sangris.

He's not sure if Caliose has ever clocked the implications behind sharing the same last name, but then again, he's sure plenty of non-blood-related people around here also have his old surname. This is just for convenience's sake, he tells himself.

(Author's Note: I have no idea how Chinese and Japanese works, apparently someone on Quora had this name though)

Koriol Celestheryne:

Some guy Zephyren met in university, but at this point all he knows is that Koriol is often a little too close to Caliose, as he hangs around the two of them all the time. There have been rumours that Koriol was a playboy, "the ultimate heartbreaker", and it really doesn't help Zephyren quell any worries that hang over his head. He tries to tell himself that Caliose has the right to choose, and she might not even return Koriol's feelings knowing she likes someone far away, but he's still mildly concerned that Koriol might try something like a love potion. Is that rational? It's probably rational. People do voodoo shit all the time. Zephyren just tries to ignore him. This rich pretty-boy can't just force everything to go his way, and Zephyren will make sure of that, for the sake of whomever Caliose loves. 

Hezalea Solitreault (Hezalea Huang):

She first introduced herself with the surname "Huang", which was unsurprising because that's one of the most common surnames in China. Until she wrote it out, that is. She doesn't have a Chinese name, nor can she speak or write it, but she can write the word 皇, which is a very rare surname from the three emperors of ancient China. Even stranger is the fact that that's Zephyren's old surname. He sometimes interacts with her through pure curiosity, because it feels like she's putting up this name for show, almost as a challenge of some sort. While he doesn't know the full reason behind it, she does usually go by Solitreault instead, which was her mother's maiden name.

Since when did Zephyren have such a strong fixation on names? It's more like he's frustrated that he hasn't been able to escape his past. It just keeps popping up in the most innocuous places, namely SFU. He came to university to learn, not to collect more emotional baggage. He does feel a twinge of familiarity whenever he sees Hezalea though. Maybe it's her eyes. They remind him of his mom's husband. With the way Hezalea glares at people, Zephyren recognizes the same sharp preciseness that drilled into his soul when the man found out Zephyren wasn't really his son.

Zephyren had friends. They would play ball together after school, and he could still find school photos of all of them nowadays. It doesn't really hurt to look, it's all in the past and it's there to remind him that he could have friends if he tried. He could still trust people again, if he wasn't so wary of them moving on. If he saw a point in maintaining relationships. If he still believed that just because people had friends, didn't mean they were trying to conform.

He actually had a pretty normal childhood - as normal as one could get in Hong Kong, at least. He's pretty sure some of his uncles were involved in gang activity while another (on the same side of the family) worked for law enforcement, but he thinks it's typical of such a large family to have a wider variety of people. Sometimes he'd come home from school and smell the stench of tobacco in the living room, and sometimes he'd come home and no one would be there at all. He was fine with both as a change of scenery in the rapids of day-to-day life. It came to a point where he'd be the one fixing things around the house while everyone else was out... "working". Even back then he had doubts on what they were actually doing, but he knew better than to question the elders. Just stay complacent and get good grades, that was his role as the oldest (and only) son in the family. 

At least, that's what he was told.

He had a male cousin slightly older than him, just that no one batted an eye at that guy's presence or absence. 

He also heard rumours of a daughter that his father had out of wedlock. Shortly after that, he and Zephyren's mother had gotten married because she was pregnant. All of it was very confusing, and he doubts he's even blood-related to his theoretical sister, so he doesn't think much of it nowadays. What are the chances of seeing her and recognizing their relations, anyway?

Speaking of which, the tightly knit circles meant word traveled fast among mutuals, especially within the extended family. People loved to gossip. Zephyren didn't stand a chance when people found out he was an illegitimate child. And who was he, if not his father's son? He didn't even deserve his father's name. He didn't want it anyway. At least people only found out by the time he was nearly done with highschool. All he had to do was study for the DSE's, rumours and broken friendships be damned. He's sure (he tells himself) that some of his friends probably didn't want things to end this way, but if all they're going to do is look at him with pity, he'd rather walk away from them all. 

In the end he got a score high enough to go to HKU, but he found that he was suffocating here. 

And it wasn't because of air quality.

Caliose was his first love, and at some point he wanted it to be his last. But the world is cruel this way, because the longer he holds on, the more obstacles are thrown his way. He knew early on that Caliose would never like him back - she clearly had the hots for someone she's known for much longer, though he's never seen them. That was fine - Zephyren wouldn't ever force anyone to feel any way about him, but it does sting every now and then to know that he never stood a chance. He's pretty sure at some point Caliose knew about his feelings - she'd look at him almost apologetically and he hated it. At some point she stopped, as if she's forgotten. Sometimes she'd get too close too quickly and he'll jump back and he'll be left wondering if it meant anything at all. Then he'll berate himself for holding himself to such high standards. If Caliose was the one brushing against his hand, why should he feel the obligation to move away? And why did she look... hurt?

Besides that, there are plenty of sources behind Zephyren's emotional turmoil:

• Ever since the day they set off to Canada, Caliose has been acting... different.

Like a whole other person. Like a blank canvas, even, from the way she'd lack any emotional expression until he pointed it out. Then she got better at being herself again, as though Zephyren was the one teaching her. Did he mention that she claimed to have amnesia too? She did. She completely forgot many of the things they did together, and that hurt. Sometimes he wonders if he only still likes her because she's Caliose and she saved him and they've known each other for such a long time and it's the status quo and what idiot would try to change that? 

• Koriol just won't leave them alone.

Zephyren is completely fine with having his own life separate from Caliose's. He specifically requested not to live with her. He wasn't interested in barging into her friend circles. They've got vastly different schedules. But when even that little bit of time they do spend together is interrupted by some blonde dude who's been rumoured to lead girls on left and right? Zephyren sees the appeal. And that's why he would feel icky just seeing Koriol hang out with any girl around here. Maybe it's a cultural difference. ...Actually, no, he's seen people like this back in HK.

• Hezalea is a strange can of worms.

Zephyren distinctly remembers something strange about her first introduction. Only after the contract did he remember that she didn't call herself "Huang", she used "Wong", which further narrows down the list of people named 皇. This is predominantly a Mandarin name, so why would she use the Cantonese pronounciation? She didn't even know these were different dialects, but she was insistent on her usage.
Maybe he's just being paranoid but everything is pointing to her being his stepsister. Besides that, he knows why he recognizes her. Her resemblance to his father is still unconfirmed, but he could never mistake the face that Caliose always used to draw. It was the most beautiful out of everything she's created, and Zephyren wishes he could make something out of his feelings too. It saddens him that she had stopped drawing the person she loved when they came to Canada (part of him suspects she's forgotten that too) and he thinks that, if these two could meet each other again, their feelings might just spark up once more. Does he want that? Well, if it makes Caliose happy...

• A big reason why Caliose keeps him around is to fuel her intense hero complex.

It's not that he lacks a reason to be friends with her too - even if they could never be together he was content just being in her presence - but it also grinds his gears whenever he finds out she's done something stupid thinking she could be everyone's protagonist. He realizes that in these Contracts, she'd be the first to die. Zephyren doesn't have any way to warn her not to sign it (if anything the mere mention would entice her), so all he can do is hope.

Of course he knows this has become a very strong obsession. Of course he knows it's destroying himself from the inside out. But what is a phoenix, if not an entity that will burn itself to ashes?

Depending on someone.

Well, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. It's more so that he's been disappointed so many times that he doesn't want to repeat the cycle anymore. It's not just his parents; school projects with other people have almost always been painful because he'd be too antsy to leave anything to the last minute. 

In other words he's tired of the coldness that surrounds him each time he realizes he's become too dependent on someone who'd leave in a heartbeat. He hardly remembers the warmth from when they were present, but the frostbite remains in his decaying heart forever. Maybe that's why he constantly plays with fire; he can't control its destruction but it's guaranteed to bring him warmth, it's guaranteed to make him feel something, and he'll stave off the winter just a while longer. 

Maybe if he stopped caring, he won't feel anything anymore. But if he stopped caring, what if he won't feel anything anymore? He'd like to say that he didn't care about anything or anyone, and he'd love to say he couldn't feel at all. The stone-hard truth remains in the ashes: Zephyren wants to feel things. It's just too dangerous because he'll grow attached and it'll be ripped away from him time and time again. 

He'd do everything himself if he could.

If only he could.

Zephyren doesn't have a prized possession.

He left it all when he stepped out of his childhood home for the last time. Even his name. (What makes him, him, then? He doesn't know yet. He's not trying to find out yet.) The few belongings he has nowadays are all from his time post-HK, and he's ready to leave it behind the moment he has to. This has been his lifestyle and for all he knows, it's not changing anytime soon. He knows that even if he's able to keep something, it's just as easy for someone to take it away. 

If he had to choose the one thing he'd hesitate the most in giving up, it'd be the amber necklace Caliose gave him a few days before they left for Canada. It reminds him of peaceful times, a brief respite from the storm that rendered them adrift just a few days later. 

They didn't fall into the sea. He's just gotten swept up in whatever trouble Caliose had gotten into. It's not prevalent nowadays but it's certainly there as much as he'd like to ignore it. Besides, it's getting more difficult to pretend everything is just the same, the more Caliose's facade chips off. Back then she was reckless, but she strove for a genuine cause. Now? She's just as righteous, if not more, but she looks lost whenever that side of her comes out, like she's lost her direction.

Has she ever even had a direction?

Zephyren's not so sure if the people around him are actually real.

There's something to be said about the amount of dystopian books he's read recently. It was all on a whim, but like the times he went down a creepypasta rabbit hole, it leaves him with an unsettling, foreboding feeling. What was that ability of his called? "Saw it coming"? He feels like he's going to have a dream premonition one of these days. Or, he's already had one and every time he sees Caliose nowadays, he's almost weirded out by how unnatural she seems. It's like he is dreaming when he sees her, because of how inconsistent her actions can be - as if she's still figuring out how to be herself. He's said this a million times, he needs to say it more, because part of him still desperately clings onto the notion that she's Caliose Sangris. He can't bear to think how long he's lived with an imposter by his side. 

It's kinda sus.

If one day it happens to Koriol too, Zephyren has no idea what he'd do. Maybe he really would burn SFU down at that point.

Zephyren doesn't get out of bed.

He'd rather bring his bed with him to school more than anything else, but he just settles with wrapping himself in his blankets and going to the fridge for a quick breakfast. It's not really quick because he ends up tripping over himself and getting trapped in his little cocoon, but the cooking part usually goes smoothly if he manages to keep his blankets off the stove. Otherwise he'll eat his blanke-

Oftentimes he aims to have that Yoshikage Kira routine, but he finds himself doomscrolling for too long at night, or he's up texting Koriol for who knows what reason. Might be because Koriol occasionally sees a new bird around his house in the daytime and only has the time to ask what it might be when it's 12am at midnight. Zephyren isn't quite sure why Koriol is asking him anyway; he's never been an expert.

Either way, Zephyren isn't the most efficient or the neatest person in the world, but he'll get to school on time somehow. It'd be so much better if he could just... fly.

Sometimes when Zephyren came home from middle school, he'd be shoved into a suit and uncomfortable shoes that restricted his movement and scratched at his skin, just before he was told that he had to go to some event he'd never heard of. What happens when he doesn't know anyone in the parties he's dragged along to? Besides the fact that his economical situation prevents him from dressing up, he just doesn't want to take part in the mind games associated with gatherings that demand a certain dress code. 

For now his style is to just put on whatever’s at the top of the drawer. It's mostly stuff he's thrifted; most of his drawer space is taken up by baggy clothing given the comfort and warmth that they never fail to provide. He does brush his hair to avoid getting it all tangled in a bird’s nest, and he washes his face, but that's just because he'd feel icky otherwise. 

Maybe one day he'll enjoy dressing up. He's just developed a distaste against them because they seem to be all about looks, without considering the fact that an actual human with skin will be wearing them. If they were flexible and comfortable enough, Zeph could give it a try. Koriol certainly seems to have fun with his outfits. Offered to take Zephyren to clothing stores to have little fashion shows, but Zephyren would probably die if that happened. 

When was his birthday again?

Zephyren places little weight on the day he was forced out into the world. It's more of an implication on his mother's part, and from the beginning he's become an accomplice whether he likes it or not. He wasn't given a choice. Why does anyone celebrate it? 

Doesn't change the fact that seeing people so happily singing that wretched song to each other creates some sense of... lonely belonging. What does it mean to be alone? He's surrounded by people. Always has been, he just doesn't pay much mind to them. Why is there such a disconnect? 

A few months ago, Koriol asked when his birthday was, and what he'd want for it.

Zephyren's answer?

"Why would you wait for a certain day to give a gift to anyone? Sounds pretty transactional."

He doesn't expect anything. Doesn't think Koriol would remember or even bother to follow up on it. No one follows up. Don't make promises you can't keep.

But some part of him still wonders what he'd get. What the gift would tell him about Koriol's opinion of him. Maybe it's too late though. Koriol hasn't been talking to him much. Probably got scared away. Figures.

He'll just spend his birthday like any other day. That's how it's always been. Is he really fine with that? Well, that's not something for him to decide. 

Just... don't get your hopes up. It's easy.

Zephyren sneers. Greatest regret?

If he told anyone, he'd be sent to the psych ward. He'd send himself to the psych ward on account of the fact that he just doesn't tell people - they don't ask, he doesn't tell. The day he feels the need to spill all his secrets unprompted is the day he's truly gone insane. For now he'd water it down to something far more palatable. 

He regrets not questioning. Staying complacent. Going with the flow. He tries not to do it nowadays, but inevitably he still falls into the same traps because life has never been kind enough to let him have anything go his way. 

Maybe if he really pressed "Caliose" that day, he could've been so much closer to finding out the truth. By now any evidence of the old Caliose has been washed away - he surmises he's one of the only people who still carries her name in his mind, as a reminder for all that he's done wrong, all his regrets, all the times he's messed up so badly that he's lost people around him. 

But in the end all of this pales compared to the sinking feeling that he's going to regret something even worse if he lets things continue this way. It's going to hurt and he can't do shit about it. And that irks him; he's in these contracts for a reason, he should have the power to mitigate these risks by now. He's been in... how many so far? It's all blurred somewhere down the line, all the sacrifices down the drain because he can't remember names that well. Or maybe he just doesn't care. Either way...

He can't let it happen - he won't. Whatever it takes... he won't let them win. 

He doesn't know what he'd do with himself if he can't even keep this one little thing afloat.

It shouldn't be that difficult.

But then again...

Zephyren shakes his head.

What right does he have to keep going on these things if he's not going to take it seriously? This is far simpler than his ambition - perhaps even in line with its development - and in the end it's just a test to see if he's even up for the task in the first place. He is nothing if he fails even this.

These gifts hurt. Zephyren knows that much. 

They hurt people. They hurt him - they bring him an immeasureable amount of dread each time he uses them, like he's going to go deaf if he doesn't curl into a ball or kill something first. They've incorporated shattered pieces of his past and he hates it. He tries to balance it out with something that makes him a little happier - why else does he keep asking Koriol to help him with glyph designs? They look vaguely similar - Koriol's been talking about a show about owls but Zephyren can't seem to place what it's about because he's too busy thinking about all the recent events transpiring in the news. 

Inherent potential? Zephyren hates to think of it that way but it seems like he's just prone to dooming himself. At this point it's instinctual. What does that mean for all the effort he's put in, then? Is he just limited by what he's been destined to do?

Ghosts are real. Zephyren swears that ghosts are real because how else would you explain the amount of times people around him suddenly act like entirely different people? They're being possessed. They're all being possessed and there's nothing he could do - he's out of his depth, he should've left this to the experts, there are so many of these shops just sprinkled all over Hong Kong - the legitimate ones hang around the longest. 

And if ghosts are real, then there must be something to the spiritual ways of his culture - he could never be sure if he's just seeing things because no one around him seems to notice it, but he recalls people talking about it in his childhood. God, he should've listened, should've taken more interest in it, maybe he wouldn't be haunted by the people being possessed around him nowadays if he had just-

But then again, he doubts any other path would've brought him to this exact position.

The world is terrifying. People are terrifying. It's more like Zeph's just never understood it enough to believe anything with a passion, so upon taking the contracts he's just bumbling along as if this is how it's always been. It shouldn't be. But life plays these silly games where you meet someone and you hate their guts and the more you despise them the more they toss you into the same jobs and now you're supposed to kill them if they go out of control or forget you because you're a new level of sick in the head, Zephyren.

He likes to think he hasn't hurt people in the process despite his inclinations, but he very much does have blood on his hands. What would Caliose think? God, she wouldn't survive a second out here. He tries to convince himself that everyone else is just as confused but they seem to be faring very well regardless. ...Most of them, anyway. He'll just try to follow along, but...

AAAAARGH! WHATEVER! JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SILLY GAMES!

Contractors I see often? Hah, I wonder.

Lily. Studies... something in the health sector, I never remember these things. Can't even recall my own program name sometimes. She's always swamped, working her ass off to help her brother who may or may not have been in the same classes as me. To be fair, classes are huge. Chances of meeting him were slim (I would never want to do that anyway).

The thing about coworkers is that I'll never really get to know them. We play Minecraft together sometimes but it's really just teamwork all over again. All I can really do is compare them to people I know in my daily life, which... I've stated this before. She speaks like Caliose - ranting about the value of life and how everyone deserves a second chance. I can respect her opinions, it's just that I can't stand hearing it for more than a few seconds because I just know I'll start yelling and calling her an idiot. Why else would I have put a distance between myself and Caliose? Well, the difference here is that Lily has some means of fending for herself. There's really not much I particularly like or dislike about her. Just differences in thought processes. It doesn't matter. (Also she's terrifying)

Who else... Charlotte? I've been on a few jobs with her, but she's a child. I don't really know how to talk to children or whether I should at all, so I just haven't really talked to her, even on jobs. She's got a cool magic wand beam. Pow pow.

There’s also Goro, but I don't know much about them yet. They're pretty funny, and a little insane - who isn’t? At least they aren't actually a Republican. The biggest impression was from the recent poker night. I should really have cashed in while I was ahead. Also, funny bombs and fire.

Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Left this for last because this one's a real headache. He's a friend. I've probably worked the most jobs with him so far, but I also wouldn't hesitate to point a knife at him. Maybe that's a good thing - seems like everyone thinks about themselves more as we progress further. 

He's a liar. He thought (thinks?) the only solution to everything is his own death. He thinks he gets to right his past wrongs but the truth is, he doesn't understand that there's no 'righting', there's no rewriting, there's nothing besides self-acceptance that could relieve him of his guilt and the entity manifested from it. I can say all I want about how terrible his choices have been, but I can't make his decisions for him. ...If I were in his shoes I'd probably be long dead.

Somehow he manages to make everything a lot more complicated than it should be. He's multiple minds in one, split in an eternal game of tug-o-war. I've sworn I'd kill him if the other side won but it's not like I particularly want to do that. Unfortunately I find I'm getting less of a choice each time I look because I'm falling behind and it's becoming glaringly obvious it's not fair-

I had to think about this for a bit. What do I like about this man? He keeps going, at least for now. He listens and he's there most of the time. He's fine when he's not being possessed or brooding over his mistakes and his past and his future (this man needs to learn to live in the present once he gets his shit figured out). He still finds it within him to make jabs at me (I'd hate it if someone treated me like I was somehow better than them just because I threatened them). Level playing field, I guess. He's an interesting point of familiarity in these strange jobs.

How would I sum it all up in a single sentence?

I'd live for him.

And there are only three people in this world that I'd live for

A room where he could hang out with everyone he's ever loved.

Everyone he's felt even an inkling of care for.

It could be any room at all. Zephyren's never been one to care for the setting. Could be empty. Could be extravagant. They could be in heaven, they could be in hell. That doesn't matter. Just... stay, is that so hard to do?

But he knows he could never force anyone to do that. He'd feel horrible if he did - he'd even berate himself if someone felt obligated to remain by his side. People can perceive all they want about him but he shouldn't ever be able to skew their opinions of him. 

Well... if he had to decide on the room design, Zephyren would prefer a windowed ceiling so he could reach for the sky.

For the longest time he'd been convinced that he was psychotic. Zephyren had always been better at perceiving details that most other people would merely gloss over, and that becomes unfortunate when no one believes him. In this world, if you couldn't see a tree fall in a forest, it didn't happen.

If Zephyren was the only one to see it, so what? It would benefit no one to agree with the one who sticks out like a sore thumb. 

Sometimes he gets the feeling that even fellow Contractors think he's a bit wrong in the head. He's not going to try and prove them wrong - it always tends to be a losing battle when they've made up their mind. Such is the indomitable human spirit, perhaps. They start murmuring in the background as if Zeph of all people couldn't hear them. No - in fact the nerves behind all his senses are so frayed that he can't even filter it out anymore. He's just a lot better at masking it and acting like he could only ever focus on one stimulus at once. 

It's not to the point where he'd see ghosts and he'd be traumatized by them with each waking minute, but he certainly feels a shift in the air and a chill in his bones.

He wishes he'd be better at anything else at all. Cooking? Music? One is just a necessary skill that he developed just so he could survive. The other ends up grating his ears each time he hits a sour note and he has rarely found the motivation to proceed any further. Recently he's a little more willing to continue building up this skill but he's just counting the days until Koriol loses interest in the idea and abandons it completely. This isn't a comment on Koriol's attention span - it's just a way for Zeph to convince himself that there is an end to this. Makes it a bit more bearable. He doesn't even listen to music nowadays, but the notation always remains in the back of his mind, drawing his eyes towards every score within his range of sight. 

Zephyren doesn't get to choose what he excels at so he complains about it, but it's not like he's made an effort to be good at anything else either. Maybe a long time ago he would've been considered 'gifted', but what does one expect from a burnt out flame?

On murder:

Okay, this is common sense, is it not? Don't fucking kill people if they aren't hurting you. It's that simple. If they try to attack you that's a whole other territory to tread - no one wants to be a sitting duck - but most people just prefer to live and let live. Why take that away from them if they've got a reason to keep going? If they've got any instincts to survive, they'd know not to mess with you anyway. It's not fair to kill someone tied up and helpless either, yet that's happened far too many times on these jobs. Even killing people who aren't in the right mind is iffy - that's when personal survival comes first, but it doesn't make killing them feel any better.

"They're not real." "They share a name with a serial killer!" "They were bound to die anyway." "Would you rather lose, then?"

It's just a half-assed way to spin the narrative to suit your own needs, really. Makes it more palatable. Everyone does that if they lack what it takes to be a psychopath. 

Success usually doesn't bank on whether this one random dude on the street dies. Just because you spare a life doesn't mean you'd automatically lose. Sure, killing them might make it easier to fulfill a job but maybe a human life is worth going out of your way to avoid unnecessary death.

The only time I've directly murdered people was when we snuck up on a group of people who were clearly hostile, but hadn't made a move nor noticed us yet. Reading the stuff they wrote was enough. They were evil. This is a valid reason.

Otherwise, I've always just been strung along. Nothing I could do against the majority. (Or... that's what I tell myself at night).

On betrayal:

Don't make promises you can't keep.

It's not that hard. Yet there they go, throwing around empty vows like it's some frivolous game. No - these are human hearts and feelings being toyed with and it's disgusting. If you've been with the other side, if you'd joined it somewhere along the way, embrace it with confidence. The strongest people don't need to hide their allegiances. 

Here I am, stuck in limbo because all the people around me are liars. I can step away anytime I want but they also happen to be the ones who care - the ones I care about. And by staying so close I'm just giving them a million chances to break me into pieces each time they turn their backs. I don't trust them but I have to depend on them anyway.

Don't make me choose. Don't make me decide whether you should stay or die. Do it yourself. 

Capture:

They keep you captive in their sly grasp, telling you that you could be enough if only you tried that little bit harder. If only that were true as they entangled you in an ever-growing web of lies. But here you are, giving up your very ability to move of your own accord, letting them string you along like a marionette just for that dying ember of approval. Eventually you think you're stuck there for good, and the moment that happens, they've won. They'll pamper you with treats and praises at first but it quickly derails. Now, the "bare minimum" (all your efforts) earns a subtle nod, and the smallest mistake puts you at risk of losing everything you've sustained yourself on.

This dinner table has never been so cold and empty. They're expecting something of you. You don't know what it is. They haven't told you. You just need to know, it's not that difficult, is it? Otherwise, you've failed.

And if you try to leave, they'll convince you that the world out there is much worse. They'll throw you in an ornate room with all the limited luxuries your messed up mind could ask for (it costs nothing; at this point all you'd ask for is food and water. If you're lucky they'll give you a cushion and a blanket).

Alas, a gilded cage is still just a cage.

Afterwards it's just the same cycle, over and over and over again. It'll be all you'll ever know. It'll be your life. You'll keep repeating the same patterns thinking it's all normal. You'll forget what it means to be you and now you're just stuck in a mold, painful but inevitable. You can't escape. It thrills you to put others through the same strife. You think it makes them stronger. It only breaks both of you further.

...Many years ago I had forgotten what it meant to fly and be free. The highrises stood so tall that looking up was dizzying - thus, I had resolved not to look at the sky again. How did I survive that? How did I even think for a second that it was healthy for me? Why hadn't I run any sooner, before it all went wrong? It could've been so much easier. Just request to study abroad. Gather all my documents. Say I want to move there permanently. I wouldn't have needed to sneak around if I had gone about it that way -

Not that I would've known that it'd all go to shit anyway.

I'd rather die than let myself stay in someone's grasp.

...Well, maybe not die, but I'd try my damn hardest to escape. I'm not going back there again - I've left the cage behind long ago.

I can only hope the people I consider friends won't do it to me too. (Even if they don't physically trap me, aren't I already within their grasp? It's been that way for a long time now. God.)