Luciole Garnychelis's Questionnaire

We live in Surrey! It's a very nice place with no problems at all because all your issues go away when you move to Canada. That's what happened in my case, so I'm sure plenty of other people feel the same! It's beautiful here, can you believe there's actually water in these taps? Back home we used to drink from this communal bucket. At some point they put red kool aid in it and tried to ask us to drink it, but I was in the washroom at the time so I didn't even notice it happened. Or was that something I read online?

Anyways, our home is pretty spacious. Anything is spacious if you've lived in a commune before. We've got our own rooms, a living room, a kitchen, and a yard for building snowmen during winter. And growing flowers. We love growing flowers! We have some in my bag, actually, do you want one?

Our parents give us an allowance! We also have a credit card and they're usually fine with us spending money on it. That's probably because we never really go shopping anyway. We don't need that much to sustain ourselves. Did you know people could live without food and water for... a few days? The longest someone's gone without water was 18 days! Personally I've seen people go up to 10 days drinking alternative liquids before keeling over - looks like they had really strong wills to survive! No money could buy that resilience, for sure.

Answer properly when people ask you questions, Firefly.

Oh, well, we spend it on whatever you can imagine. Food, clothes, toiletries, pepper spray - mom and dad make us carry all sorts of things, it's kinda annoying, I don't know what they're on about - and... y'know when you're put on the spot and you can't think of anything to say because it all seems so obvious? Yeah. That's this. That's us. 

Flowers! We love flowers. Best stuff in the world, really, they even made a whole language out of it! It's kinda complicated, just try not to give people the wrong flower because you might be wishing death on them. Unless! Unless they wanted it! I don't know, but basically it's like any other language, lots of misunderstandings could happen.

Anyways, it would be nice if there were more flowers in the world. All I see nowadays are the ones stuck in flower shops, cut off their stems and left to wilt and be replaced. Whenever we get flowers, we end up drying them so they could last longer! Don't tell us they're just here to look pretty and be thrown away once they're not, we'll do that to you once you-

Death is a funny thing. It's everywhere. People are terrified of it. What do we think of it? Well... I mean, I can't fulfill my wishes if I'm not here to do it, and I'd really love to be there to see it when it's finally come true. We love flowers.

Luciole silently places a flower on the ground. 

A birdsfoot trefoil.

There were... so many. Where do we even start? How much do you want to know? I'm fine with telling you, it's just that we've been told there are things called triggers. Apparently it happens to me too whenever someone insults me by treating me like a child. Come on, I'm 19! I can even drink legally! I don't like drinking though. People get... weird. Not to mention I think someone put something in that Kool-Aid. Plastic bag hats were also very much in fashion that day.

I mean, that lady, Karyn, had a good idea of things that happened, it's just that she didn't even seem to believe her own words when I repeated them. Did she think she was creative enough to pull it out of thin air? I don't doubt that she could, but at the same time I'm sure she could be a little more original if she put more thought into it. I know this very well, as an art student. Not that it even scratches the surface. But I don't see how any of my experiences are really 'defining', I'm still me, I've always been me. I'm Luciole, as they call me.

Enough.

Luciole shakes her head. She looks back up at you. She breathes, and she laughs lowly.

What did you expect from asking the sweet child? She's grown up in such inane environments that even the skinning of a spider wouldn't earn a meaningful response - at least not one that you'd accept, because apparently everyone looks for the sensational stories nowadays. Can't accept that people have qualms about sharing their deepest secrets. Luc has nothing to hide in her head, she thinks everyone's seen the same horrors so she just keeps quiet until they bring it up. In her words, it's like

"Going to the washroom; everyone does it, and no one really wants to know how you wipe your-" 

That is enough.

Thank you.

Luc remembers a lot of things. She has to, there's really no way not to. Close your eyes in a nightmare and you'll be seeing through your eyelids. The better option is to keep your eyes open because you feel some semblance of control over it. Control; isn't that what everyone wants? We couldn't differ more on that opinion. It's better to have a different pilot for different... situations. 

She was 8. She recalls everything else from that time, but not this. This... was too much, even for the one whose instinct is to turn away from the horrors and pretend not to see. As long as she said nothing about it, she'd be fine, right? Wrong. I'll spare you the details. The discipline was especially bad that day. Someone had defected and Father was livid. We call him "Father" because that's what he told us to. He tells us to do a lot of things, but what happens when he tells you to stop crying? You should stop crying. But that's not how it works. You either cry, or you don't. You don't get to stop in the middle. He told her, she shouldn't cry over a traitor. She shouldn't sympathize. Truth is, she simply missed them. Didn't think they'd leave, much less leave her behind. She was the beloved child of this group, was she not? Why would anyone abandon such a sweet face?

Luc never changed.

She's grown, but she's still very much that same self. Except instead of tears, she'll laugh to death if she has to, because she knows. This is where I have to step in. To breathe. But... let's hope you don't have to see more of me.

I think I fell asleep. What were we saying?

There's Aria! She's like a roommate except she's not really a separate being according to those scary guys with the gavels and the wigs. It's more like this body is the house? And we're sharing? Sharing is cool! We love sharing! We just kinda take turns piloting it. Well, if people know this face as Luciole, and Aria is Aria, then what is she, really? I'd say it's just my way of distinguishing between us. It doesn't make either of us any less me! She's my best friend. She always understands. 

Luc speaks as if I'm just hanging out for the fun of it. Which is partly true, because I'd go insane if I didn't have some fun here, but really, I only know things because Luc does, and vice versa. We aren't different, we aren't separate, there is no one without the other. It's just a different way of approaching the world. Does she know exactly what I say to people? Not really, but it's not like I'm going to say anything that would put her in harm's way. I hope not. I'm still just human, I make mistakes too. 

...We are both defense mechanisms for the one people know as "Luciole". Whether either of us are the "real" her is a very debatable topic. Whether there'll be more of us in the future is also... quite uncertain.

And then there's Them. They talk to me sometimes, but it doesn't seem like anyone else can hear it. They sound just like my family! The one in the States. I see them on the news sometimes, and the comment sections are awfully heated, but what's not to love about seeing and hearing about your loved ones? They're with me everyday. Always. Just like they promised.

And we will always be watching. Don't disappoint us.

Who else? Hmm... I mean, we know a lot of people, how are we supposed to just pick three? I guess maybe Koriol? Or Hezalea? One of the two. I think Koriol talks to me a little bit more, but Hezalea's almost always there, looking at me. It's nothing new, I just wanted to point it out because she looks kinda afraid of me and I have no idea why. I'm just lil' ol' me, what's there to be scared about? I tried to give her a hug once and she jumped away. She full-on jumped. She reminds me of a cat! She didn't hiss though, but that would've been adorable. Meanwhile Koriol's been asking me all these strange questions like the most defining moment in my life. Whaddaya mean?

..Oh dear.

That's a lot of questions. Has no one taught you to, I don't know, give people time to answer? Whatever. I'll take reign on this one. 

Her childhood was fine. You'd think, 'Oh, this kid was born from a cult,' but it doesn't mean she was ever suffering. Her lack of awareness for her surroundings is an instinctual feat. She was loved. The rituals and propaganda have rooted within her development, but it doesn't make her that much different from the average child. At least she wasn't isolated; not everyone is that lucky.

Her parents have been trying to leave for a long time; her mom had been running from her abusive family, and in her vulnerability she fell into another trap. Her dad had realized the truth and worked through tooth and nail to get them out of there. Luc didn't recognize them as her real parents at first; it gets confusing to a kid in this group of smiling adults, which one is really... related to them. What would relation even mean, anyway? Why would it matter?

She went to a normal high school. Thank God she did, but it didn't stop her from being outcast right from the get go. Eventually she found her own little group but she had trouble discerning that this was not automatically a “family”. The others found it endearing, but how is it, really, when Luc has such a twisted understanding of closeness? It's reverence, not anything else, that drives her motivation to make friends. It makes her feel important, respected, powerful, like she could never be defeated. She was the beloved child. She doesn't want that to change. She'll never tell you this, she'll just make sure you stay right next to her, she'll do anything and you'll never be given a warning before you're caught blindsided with strings attached to favours and words. Words are serious. Words are our life, it's how we've gotten so far, it's how we’ll keep going.

You need us, and we know it. Don't go thinking that just because I've shared this much, I'll be any more lenient. We are Luciole. The chase of the fireflies never ends.

Love?

Ha, that's a funny question. I love everyone! They'd be sad if I picked favourites, and that's not really fair so I love everyone equally. People tend to laugh even more when I say this, which is why it's so funny. Love is funny. Did you know you shouldn't say it right on the first date? Whoops. Well, my family's always told me to express my love as much as I could before I lose the chance to, so I had no idea. But if it's true, why should I wait? How long do I even wait? I didn't expect them to say it back. They'll express it in some other way, I'm just better at talking so I say what I'm thinking. Did they, ever?

Thinking about it more, we realized it wasn't really our problem. A world without the ability to love openly is not a world at all. And if the world doesn't exist then I'll create it right now. I love you :)

Love us back.

That's a funny question. Why do you want to know, again?

Answer when you're asked.

I guess you're just curious. 

Well, everyone's scared of a lot of things, there's no need for me to hide it either.

Heights. People are meant to stand on the ground, where we can walk! I'm fine with looking down from a tall place but the moment you want me to dangle my feet high off the ground, I'm out. Toodles. I guess it really translates to a fear of falling, because as long as I can jump down and still land on my two feet it's fine. I also remember that one time someone called me “not just a clown, but the entire circus”, but they just don't understand, even the circus would kick me out! Tightroping? Acrobatics? Flying around? Nah I'll just stick to doodling.

What else… I think that's it.

Luc, surely that's not all.

My mind is blanking. Could you tell them?

There's no point if you're not the one saying it. 

What are you scared of, Aria?

…Don’t make me say it.

You're me. You understand that, right? 

Of course - just, it doesn't make sense for me to…

Nothing ever makes sense, we've known that since the start, are you really going to start questioning it now? 

Still, you should be the one to-

Why? What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? I did nothing wrong. I tried my best and it wasn't enough and that's not my fault.  

Luc, please.

Why?

Don't do this to me. You can't do this to me. This fear is for children, don't make me say-

You think I'm a child. 

That's not…

You know this, you knew this was the only way I could ever have gotten out alive, you think I really wanted to do this? Whether or not we were born this way I'm a part of us and it doesn't mean I'm a child-

Then why are you still here? You're safe! You’ve won! Go home! Leave!

IT'S THE ONLY WAY I'LL BE LOVED.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY'LL LOVE ME, ARIA. YOU KNOW THIS. WE KNOW. YOU THINK ANYONE HAS EVER LOVED YOU? YOU'RE HORRIBLE, YOU'RE RUDE, YOU JUST SAY ANYTHING THAT’S ON YOUR MIND AND YOU HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T COMFORT THEM TO SAVE YOUR LIFE. YOU IGNORE PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT AND YOU CLAIM IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS? YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO HORRIBLE THINGS BUT THE MOMENT SOMEONE ELSE DOES EXACTLY THE SAME THING YOU'LL WISH DEATH AND TORTURE UPON THEM. YOU HATE PEOPLE. THE ONLY WAY YOU MAKE PEOPLE STAY IS BY BINDING THEM TO YOU WITH WORDS AND DEBTS AND ONE TRANSACTION AFTER ANOTHER. YOU NEVER TAKE THE TIME TO LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE A LIAR. YOU JUDGE BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WHEN PEOPLE COMMENT ON YOU. IT'S JUST FEEDBACK! IT'S JUST A CRITIQUE, WE DO IT IN THE STUDIO ALL THE TIME! BUT NOO, YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BECAUSE YOU’RE THAT MUCH BETTER THAN ME, APPARENTLY. YOU THINK YOU DON’T NEED ME BUT WE’RE TWO SIDES OF A COIN. WE'RE LUCIOLE. NOT JUST YOU. NOT JUST ME. YOU CAN’T JUST THROW ME AWAY THE MOMENT YOU DON’T FEEL THE NEED FOR ME ANYMORE. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS. THEY'RE MINE. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO WHAT I DO. YOU NEED ME. YOU STILL NEED ME AND I'D RATHER DIE THAN SEE THE DAY YOU NO LONGER DO. AND UNTIL THEN I'M NOT GOING TO BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY ABOUT “NOT NEEDING ME”! 

And when I vanish, you'll never know what it means to love again.

And maybe I don't want to know. 

Why not, Aria.

Because they'll be taken away again. 

And we'll be alone. 

Again.

And again.

It never ends.

We wish it did.

Can't help it. 

But I'm here. 

Don't leave… Luc.

Don’t make me leave. Don't push me away. I don't wanna go. 

So why does it still feel lonely even when you’re here?

I don't know. Maybe… I was never enough.

Or maybe we're just the same person so it makes no difference.

In another life we would've been… friends. I would've loved you as a sister rather than myself.

…Don’t say that, Luc. Not after your little tirade. We’re stuck with each other in this life but I'm certain that if we weren't, you’d hate my guts. If not immediately, then you’d come to realize you wouldn’t benefit from caring about me at all.

I don't want to hate your guts.

I wouldn't care either way.

Hating is so tiring. You can't tell me to hate you - that's just… demanding a whole new level of really messed up care. 

I guess that settles it, then.

…We fear… being alone.

My friends

I'm jumping in before Luc gets to say anything further. People are not objects, people are not possessions, she doesn't get to decide. Only people like Father would say things like that, and she needs to understand I won't let her go down that path even if it kills us. 

Ah, sweet firefly... you were doing so well.

Bold words from a bunch of murderers. 

Where did it go wrong? Surely you can't take over so easily if your beliefs are ever so different...

Oh, she believes me. She's just not in the right headspace to accept it. Why else am I needed? We have different duties, and while the lines have been blurring for a while, I won't let her render these responsibilities obsolete. Independence doesn't mean she gets to run straight into danger each time and lose everything she's ever cared about. She needs me. I need her. It's symbiotic, really.

You claim to protect her then turn around and stifle her words. You are no better than us.

That's for me to decide. She's alive and that says something. We coexist - we need each other, we're each other's most prized possession. We won't need anyone else if we-

Sleep, Aria. Luc will speak for herself - it is only right.

You told me I could have anything I ever wanted.

And you still can. If you just come home...

Then why? Why do you insist on taking it all away? What sick game are you playing this time? I can't handle anything more. You have to understand. I didn't ask for much - it's not fair that you're taking so much more than you bargained for! Equal exchange, isn't that what you taught us about? My whole life has just been you telling me what to do and what not to do - I finally want to make my own decisions and you decide that suddenly what you said before doesn't apply anymore... it's exhausting. Please... I've listened to you all this time. Let me walk away from you, just this once-

Come back, you've always treasured your friends. Your family. We're not the ones taking them - you left of your own volition. You have every freedom to return. Come back, our dear firefly. We miss you. We love you. You are loved. You are so, so loved.

But-

You don't want to see us?

No, I just...

Why don't I want to go back?

Our parents love us.

Our parents love us.

Our parents love us.

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We're suffocating.

Shut up, Aria.

I don’t want to wake up.

I have to wake up. 

Teeth. Breakfast. Cold. Clothes. What else is there to think about? 

My hair has been frizzled lately. Can’t comb it right. Hurts to try. Shoot.

Stare at the wall. The shapes speak to me. White eggshell paint is cracked and yellowed. Repainted because I keep trying to add to it. Paintings, gone - can you really call this art? I’m trying to create my world, craft my escape, but I’ve always known it wasn’t that simple. Could draw on people and make their losses a reality but not fall into a realm of my own making. Aria. Aria. Aria. Speak to me. You’re in there. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

The alarm rings again. Thought I turned it off? Mom is annoyed.

She just wants the best for me.

Asks me if I’ve done my morning routine, if I even woke up yet. I have. She sneers because she’s really just trying to find an excuse to nitpick-

Why are you screaming?