Fozzie Doubleday's Questionnaire

I live in a pretty upscale, two bedroom apartment in Glasgow, Scotland. I grew up in whatever region of Scotland makes the most sense for my accent, but once I knew I'd be a top tier stripper, I moved to Glasgow to work at Forbidden Nights. I love (and sometimes fear) the night life, green spaces, walkability, etc. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else unless I get a part in the next Magic Mike movie and become a famous American movie star.

I need to love where I live, so my apartment has been curated to suit my comfort and aesthetic. Lots of RGB lights with presets to fit my mood. So so so many cushions, couches, wall mounted hammocks. My place serves to relax myself and my visitors both before and after a night out of partying. I also have a few low maintenance pets like fish and lizards because I know that my lifestyle doesn't accommodate something like a dog that needs to be walked regularly.

I'm a stripper at Forbidden Nights, and I'm one of the most sought out (if not the most sought out) stripper there. I've got the moves, the body, the face that it takes to make anyone who's into men go crazy. You might think that my stereotypically Scottish wardrobe would hurt my appeal in Glasgow (and maybe it does), but I haven't had a problem booking gigs.

I spend my money on nights out, travel, and decorating my apartment. I also donate heavily to the local animal shelters and global wildlife conservancies because if there's one thing I care more about than my own pleasure, it's preserving (and restoring) the entirety of the animal kingdom.

I've thought about it a lot, and I think that the most important thing that needs to happen is that every single animal species that has ever existed be represented on this beautiful blue marble. I simply cannot stand the fact that species go extinct. Fuck the changing climate, fuck hunting, fuck natural selection. If it has walked, swam, or flown beneath the atmosphere, it should be here and stay here until the end of time.

Now, scientists are morons and cowards, and probably will never achieve my dream for me with technology. I'm thinking I'll need to incorporate magic into my plans, which shouldn't be too hard once I get started. I'll kill as many humans as it takes, but I have a deep fear that killing an animal might be an obstacle in my path. I'm not sure what I'll do if that happens. Even thinking about it now has ruined my whole day. I have to go lay down.

When I was a wee lad of seven years, I learned about the Great Auk, or garefowl, a little penguin-like bird native to Britain. I loved its little frame, its big, curved beak, its weird, floppy feet. I related to its inability to fly because I, myself, cannot fly. I longed to meet one and asked my teacher where I could find one to befriend. What she told me instilled a sadness in me that carries into my thirties: that Great Auks were hunted to extinction in the 1840s.

I asked if there were other creatures that were here and that are no longer here. As it turns out, it is believed that there are tons of species that are extinct. Like a whole bunch of them. It broke my heart. Even to this day, when I helicopter on stage at work, I helicopter counter-clockwise in hopes that I can turn back time and save every single on of these species.

Corrin Wayne is my closest friend from childhood. She loves animals, too, but she had the brains to put in the work in order to become a veterinarian. We still stay in touch, she even moved to Glasgow shortly after I did, and she comes to see me perform a lot. She's there almost every night. She's a really good and supportive friend, and I'm really thankful for her.

Philly MacNair is my good friend an rival stripper at Forbidden Nights. We often compete to see how loud the audience gets for us. We're both really into partying, and we're almost never sober when we're hanging out. He has a lot of friends and connections throughout Glasgow and is usually the one to buy whatever drugs we're looking for on any given night.

Feathery Gobb is a guy who feeds birds in Kelvingrove park. He smells and looks pretty bad, but I have to respect his love for the birds. When I'm awake during the day and in the area, I'll usually stop by and sit with him. I've gone viral a few times on TikTok when people film me being nice to an ugly person, which is honestly a huge bonus because it drums up business at the club.