Penrose Torchwick's Questionnaire

"I live in Santa Cruz, sort of... my Dad bought a big, stupid mansion in the woods near the edge of the city before I was even born and it's the stupid family mansion now. It's a big stupid empty house because he was so dumb and boring and never thought to fill it with anything because he thought living in the woods was 'cool and mysterious' or something. So now it's mine, and I've been sprucing it up with cool dead things and taxidermy stuff, but I'd still rather live anywhere else...

I hate Santa Cruz. It's too loud and annoying and crowded, and it's always full of stupid people who talk too much. Too much sunlight. If Dad did one thing right, it was at least getting somewhere kind of private. I just hate being so far away from a stupid grocery store. Or any good fast food places.

And the stupid Doordash people are starting to recognize me..."

"..."

"Dad left me a stupid family fund after he disappeared. I dunno where he went, but at least he decided to be nice and leave me money and stuff... I don't have a job or anything. He has a bunch of bank accounts and savings and other economic shit all networked around, and all in my name. He apparently sorted it all out for me before he just winked out of existence and now as long as I don't overspend, I should be set forever. As long as I want to.

...I don't know how much counts as 'overspending'.

But I spend it mostly on food and taxidermy stuff. It's kind of my passion. And I'm like, a genius, so it's easy and I can authorize all this shit no problem. Or whatever. I don't like making food, so I mostly just order shit or go out occasionally. For my taxidermy stuff, I have a whole room set up. I usually make wall mounted busts and shit, but I have a cool room where I've got some pinned and preserved insects, and I've set up a whole room in the basement for full size shit. Literally the best stuff ever."

"...I think there's something weird out there.

Like, obviously. There's magic and shit out there. Everybody knows that. But I mean, more like. Something I can't see, but I can feel. There's like, this sense of feeling, when I work with dead stuff. Like I'm touching something just beyond it. Not physically, but like. You know.

I don't believe in religion shit or anything like that. It's not a belief thing. It's like when dudes looked up at the stars and thought that there was more out there, and also they were right. When I'm working on taxidermy, stitching and gluing things back together, I think there's something more. I can feel it. And I want to find it. I want to grab a hold of it and twist it all together and make it a thing. Put it all together like a puzzle and have it make sense and look at it.

I've never killed anyone before. A person, I mean. Dad used to take me hunting, and I've shot animals and stuff. I think death is cool. I dunno if I would... want to kill anyone, I guess, but. I dunno. Maybe.

I don't wanna die. I know everything does, and I will, but I don't wanna. But... but if I'm right about all this stuff, 'bout something out there that's a big whole thing that can be pulled around and moved and stuffed back into things that were dead so that they're not so dead anymore... then I think maybe I don't mind getting close."

"...a bit of a ways back, Dad disappeared. I don't know how or why. I think he's probably dead, to be honest with you. I think it was. A year or so ago? A bit after I turned 18. It just up and vanished. Just outta thin air, yknow? I was at home and he just didn't come home. Just out of nowhere. He didn't tell me he was leaving or anything, he just. Decided to not come back home or somethin'.

I didn't really like him before that. I never really did. He was annoying and weird and boring. He bothered me whenever I was busy and was nowhere to be found when I wanted to talk. His taste in everything was stupid and lame, and he felt like the biggest wet towel killjoy in the world.

But it was just me and him. He just left and didn't tell me anything. And now I'm all by myself in a stupid mansion in the woods I don't even wanna live in.

Just shows he never really cared, I guess. I dunno. Fuck 'im. I like it better with him gone."

"Um... ugh.

I don't like. Really have any friends or anything.

I guess my dad was one of them. He was always there, until he wasn't. He had bad taste in decoration and bad taste in clothes and bad taste in attitude. He was always annoying me and bothering me, never gave me space unless I didn't want it. He was always disappearing, and worked at a company or something. I think it was for work but I don't really care. He was a jerk. I'm... I can't say I don't miss him. He's my fucking dad, and now he's just gone. Just like that. But I hate him a lot.

Uh... I guess, um. I have... I know the Doordash girl. She's started picking up all my orders and chatting with me at the door. Her name is Rachel. She's... like, nice enough, and it's alright to talk to someone I guess. I think she picks up my orders cuz I tip well but like. I dunno. She seems too eager to chat.

Th... three? Uh. Mmngh.

Um. There's someone I talk to online. About taxidermy stuff and creepy books and horror movies and stuff. I don't know their name. They don't know mine. They go by 'Crystal', and it's nice to like. Chat with them about stuff I'm interested in, I guess. Yeah, it's like, fun, sure. But... I dunno, I don't know know them. But it's... I like talking to them. So... yeah. That's three."

"...ugh.

My childhood was whatever. Don't remember my mom. I think she was around when I was a little kid. Like, super little. But she left. Dad told me she never died. Always used 'left'. She 'left'. I feel like I would know if she was actually dead. So I don't think she is.

But Dad. He's... gone too. But I think it's his fault. Whatever he did that made him disappear was all his fault. It has to have been. He thought things through too much to just disappear for no reason. That was like, his thing. He was always thinking about shit, never talking about it. I don't think I've ever had a stupid conversation with him that lasted more than ten minutes. He was cold and distant and always thinking and boring. That's what I always think about. He was boring as fuck. Bastard never seemed to have any interests. He would just exist next to me. It was unnerving living with him. Even moreso because things aren't even that much different with him gone.

It's so fuckin' weird.

And I like. Went to school. High school. Don't need to go to college. You can learn all sortsa shit online for free. Or for 'free'. When I went to school, people were douchebags. I had some friends and shit but. I didn't really do much. And haven't with people since. No point.

Whatever. I'm done talking about this. Stupid ass question."

"Mmm...

I don't really do love. It's not my thing. I've got big plans and important stuff to do, and...

I just haven't found anyone who likes me like that, okay?! Listen, I... there were... some girls. In the past. Not at the same time but. Yknow. Online and in person. You can't say I didn't try! I tried hard as fuck! It's just weird and different! And it doesn't make sense and I stumble all over my stupid words and say weird shit that turns people off and it's! Not my fucking fault!

Maybe my dad did a shit job at raising me. Maybe I was born with it.

Fuck, who knows. Maybe it's Maybelline."