Choi Sarang "Lovelle"'s Questionnaire

Sarang lives all by himself in a loft apartment in downtown New Westminster. He moved there for the fall semester of his second year of university because he couldn't stand the quality of VFU's residences. He initially planned to move to downtown Vancouver, but his parents were vehemently against it because they said that the nightlife and "those people" would distract him from his studies, so they had to reach a compromise where he would get a much nicer individual living in exchange for him picking the location they wanted. After the recent events in Vancouver, he's (unfortunately) grateful that he listened to his parents this time.

It's a fucking damn nice loft--just neat and spacious enough that it's not painful to the eyes, but also industrial and grungy enough to feel unique. He has an electric guitar, a bass guitar, and a keyboard displayed in the living room, and shelves of books ranging from textbooks to literary works to manga and all with varying thoughtful and philosophical themes. One might even call it pretentious. With the perfect placement of everything to appeal to any and every eye that gazes upon it, he often gets comments from visitors that his home is straight out of the set of a drama. He genuinely likes the bands whose posters he has on the walls, the forms of his furniture, and his lighting choices, but everything also reads like the stereotypical, lovable, ideal heartthrob out of a screen. 

The only indicator of his alter ego that's always out is the IKEA Blahaj shark plushie he hugs to sleep every night. When the costume is off and the makeup stashed away, Lovelle is present in the pastel Sanrio and Sylveon plushies, the shoujo manga stashed in the bottom-most compartments in his closet, and the sheer pink curtains he puts up when he's ready to stream.

Sarang gets a monthly allowance from his parents, just enough to cover his living expenses, food, and some monthly splurging. He used to be a little bitter about this in his first year--his family is rich enough to comfortably facilitate his education overseas and make him live in a fancy loft, why the hell are they only giving him the bare minimum to enjoy something in this life? Rhetorical question. His parents couldn't care less about his enjoyment. They explicitly don't give him more money and even actively discourage him from seeking more avenues of income because they are adamant that he remains focused on his studies and career.

So anyway, Sarang's primary source of income is as... a Twitch streamer, of all things. With the perfect amount of makeup, the perfect clothing to manipulate his figure on camera, and the pastel pink wig that he always dreamed of dyeing his hair, he transforms into Lovelle, the breakout femboy streamer of the generation. Lovelle is ineffably adorable and wholly unclockable (if not for him being a man being the entire gimmick), the girl of every person's dreams come to life. All he does is suck hard ass at a bunch of games while looking cute and pandering to his audience, and somehow that's enough for them to throw their credit cards at him. Ever since he went viral a while ago for his Astolfo cosplay, the donations have been flowing in like currents in an ocean, and every month he can easily make more if not twice as much as what his parents provide him.

His friends note that he spends scarily lavishly for his age and occupation as a university student, and they'd be right, because most of his money goes into clothes and merchandise of his interests. He always has to look his best to stay lovable, and to look his best he must own the highest quality products available. He is also an avid supporter of his favorite KPOP groups and makes it a point to purchase all versions of all their albums, which further drains his bank account. 

It's not hard to see that trans people are one of society's most vulnerable groups. Although Sarang's homeland of South Korea is improving in its treatment of trans people, the culture is still quite conservative, and he knows enough gender-nonconforming people back home who still struggle in a society that doesn't know how to understand them. And even though Vancouver is significantly more progressive, transphobic sentiments are still rampant, and healthcare especially is still quite finicky. Sarang relates to sympathizes with the struggle, and detests how needlessly difficult it is for trans people to just... be. It's hard enough for him to be a crossdresser, even worse to be trans. That's why he's just content with being a crossdresser, he tells himself. Perhaps he may not be that intellectually suited to bring about societal change. But he is trying his best to be a psychiatrist one day, and he is driven to continue on this frankly hopeless pursuit by the prospect of fighting within the system to make care more accessible. It's totally not because he wants to try it out for himself without it needing to matter.

He'd go as far as he needs to, though it's unclear whether he's truly grappled with what exactly might be requested of him to tap into his potential. If anything, Sarang clings to this ambition because it's the first strong ambition he's ever really had that could amount to something, and he will barrel towards all leads to fruition if only to prove worthy of it. 

He wished he had something more proper to say, but in all honesty, it was the first time he saw himself in the mirror with makeup on.

In the summer before he went to study abroad, Sarang dated the prettiest girl from his graduating class, and for some reason, she was obsessed with getting him to dress up. He didn't really care for her interests, as asshole-y that makes him sound, just that she was pretty and he liked looking at her. He wished he could be as pretty as her. At first, it was just her wanting them to do matching couple's outfits, then it went to her forcefully overhauling his closet so that "(his) style would match his looks", until the day he finally caved and allowed her to dress him up in feminine clothes and makeup.

It started with the new dusty lavender Jirai Kei co-ord that she'd recently bought in Tokyo, with magnificent lace and soft frills and a pull at the curve of his waist that he delighted in too much for his own good. Then came the makeup tools and products that his face felt as though were destined to always be there. Finally, he felt her long nails caress his nape as she played with his longer hair, which his parents had scheduled for him to have cut the next day. After two hours of work and excited chirping from his girlfriend that gradually shifted from romantic affirmation to a giggle with the bestie, Sarang was finally granted the privilege of a mirror to gaze upon the transformation.

Staring back at him was a lovely lady, eyes enlarged with skillful strokes of liner and glittery pink eyeshadow, cheeks plump with a cool purple, his already pouty lips made even poutier with a bubblegum pink gloss. His hair had been pulled into two low buns, his fringe artfully arranged in a dramatic side-bang.

That day, he was prettier than her. Prettier than anyone he'd ever seen, and anyone he'd ever see.

That day, Lovelle was born.

Choi Dae-Jung & Nam So-Young:

Dae-Jung (53y/o) is Sarang's dad, and So-Young (48y/o) is Sarang's mom. They weren't the ones to choose his name, and he always felt that they viewed this as a gross loss of control and consequently tightened their puppet strings to make up for it. Everything he did back home was meticulously planned and enforced by them, and their pre-planned route for him to become a neurosurgeon in South Korea was far above Sarang's desires, and abilities. They were cruel in their words, ruthlessly dangling the potential of their love over Sarang's head without following through, which spawned Sarang's present desperation to be loved, and obsession with being lovable. Nowadays, the puppet strings have greatly slackened, as Sarang has mastered how to throw them off his trail; still, there are a lot of things he can't do due to the little surveillance they maintain, and the scars of one's childhood are always the hardest to heal.

Luke Moon Saebyeok:

Sarang's 21y/o teaching assistant for a few of his psychology courses, currently the Law and Psychology course. He's a relatively easygoing guy despite his appearance, and he was the first teaching faculty that Sarang really felt like he connected with enough to develop a genuine passion for the class. His appreciation for Luke, however, started when both of them took a smoke break at the same time in a spot that certainly wasn't designated for them to smoke. While Sarang keeps himself carefully and perfectly composed around Luke regardless, he takes comfort in the gap moe between Luke's levelheaded TA persona and casually vulgar smoking buddy reality. With Luke, Sarang is able to let some of his guard down and be honest about some of his doubts about his career path, and it was through their discussions that Sarang fully realized his motivation to enter the field of psychiatry.

Suki / @sukisukidaisuki on Discord:

Sarang's--well, Lovelle's--online best friend whom he met in his Twitch chat when he was very early on in his streaming career. They hit it off immediately, bonding over their shared interests and sense of powerlessness in their personal lives, and Sarang feels like Suki is the only person to who he can talk about the parts of himself that he hasn't quite deemed most lovable. The catch is, despite how much they know about each other's perspectives on life and identity, they don't share (or display any particular interest in) any identifying information about themselves, and simply know each other as "Suki" and "Lovelle". Part of Sarang is disappointed in this arrangement because he internally wants nothing more than for someone to look upon him and accept him for who he is. Nevertheless, he's content with the confidentiality, because as much as he wants to go further, he knows he's not ready for it.

Sarang never goes into detail about his childhood. He'll just tell you he grew up in Seoul to rich parents and that he did average in school and that one way or another, things worked out and he ended up in rainy British Columbia and that would be the end of it. It's so much easier for him to act as if his childhood never mattered because, really, it might as well have not existed.

Choi Sarang was born in the neighborhood of Hongdae in Seoul, South Korea, to Choi Dae-Jung, a neurosurgeon from a long line of physicians, and Nam So-Young, a TV announcer backed by her looks and generational wealth. The story goes that Dae-Jung promised his high school best friend that he'd name his first child "Sarang" after her to honor her eventual death. Then So-Young gave birth to a son and the couple panicked because there was no fucking way in hell they were going to name their son "Love", but by that point the entire family had heard of that promise and the couple had no choice. Keeping appearances would always take precedence over one's desires. They perceived the fact that they did not willingly choose the name they gave him as a monumental loss of control and micro-managed all of his life to compensate for that. Sarang wasn't quite their child, more so a vessel through which their family legacies could be furthered; Dae-Jung wanted him to continue the Choi legacy of doctors and So-Young wanted him to become a worthy member of the Nam legacy. They always used to say that they loved him so that he'd heed their words, but the older he got, even those words of "love" were gone and they just gaslit him into thinking that all this suffering and all this abuse were good enough "love".

Sarang grew up never feeling loved by the people who are expected to love him inherently, and now he feels like he must grasp at straws to deserve even a morsel of love anyone can give. He hungers for the feeling of being loved because he was so grossly deprived of it as a child, and he obsesses over being "lovable" to everybody he now sees. But he also never felt like he was good enough by himself to be loved, and puts up a million facades to conceal the fragile being beneath. Perhaps none of this would've happened if Sarang was just born a girl. Sarang is an adorable name for a girl and he's pretty enough to own it. If Sarang was just a girl, he wouldn't have had to deal with all that pressure.

Sarang was that one popular kid in school who had aggressively mid grades but it was okay because he had good looks and had a lovable personality. He had a lot of friends, though in hindsight they weren't much of 'friends', more so associates he kept because the situation called for it and it felt nice to have people around who could love him in any capacity. 

What the fuck kind of question is that?

Sarang would tell you he's been in love. Of course he has! He's dated three girls before. Of course he was in love with them, he wouldn't have gotten into relationships with them if he wasn't. He and the girls broke up because they all wanted different things from each other and it was never going to work out. But that's just young love, isn't it? 

Quit lying to yourself.

Well, shit.

He dated a girl called Chaewon early into high school for about a year, and that was probably the best out of all his relationships. They were both young and learning how to love in a romantic capacity for the first time, and all of their mistakes would be written off due to their young age. What Sarang loved about her most was her long hair and the technique with which she applied her eyeshadow. She then broke up with him completely out of the blue because she, quote, "didn't like how Sarang always looked at her but never tried to get to know her". Oh, the misery.

Then he dated a more... "landmine" type girl by the name of Yujin towards the end of high school and just before he went to Canada. She was the prettiest girl from his graduating class and had boundless creativity and an eye for fashion so masterful that he ignored her neuroses and his internal hellscape to stay with her. Their relationship was incredibly tumultuous in the sense that they were either fighting or kissing, and the only times they seemed to treat each other like people was when they dressed up together. Following the first time she put him in feminine clothing, Sarang suddenly felt clear-headed enough to want to work things out with her like a mature human being, but right before he left the country, she broke up with him because she just felt like she couldn't see the 'boy' in him anymore. Whatever the fuck that meant.

Finally, in his first year of university, he had a brief, semester-long relationship with a girl called Minju, whom he met at the university's Korean Christian club. They got together quickly and moved into Minju's room for the semester and everything, but they both quickly realized that their hearts were nowhere fully into it. This was around the time that Sarang began to question whether he was truly into girls or not. He loves how they look, but he feels nothing at best and disgust at worst when it comes to treating girls in a romantic capacity. He didn't say all of this, of course, because he wanted to make Minju happy, and maybe he was just getting anxious because his mask had slipped. Fed up with his internal turmoil, Sarang ended this relationship, letting Minju off with the white lie that he was simply not ready for a relationship at the time and needed to work on himself before shit got too serious.

Sarang has since been single for the past year. He looks back and doesn't know if what he'd felt for those girls he dated was love in the first place. He's been a bastard and he knows it, and he knows he has to figure some shit out before he tries to subject any more people to his assholery.