Acceptance and Truth
This... was the end of a journey. Some will say I succeeded fair and square, that I did good but... to me personally, this was just... *sighs*
Now that I've reached this point, it has dawned on me what and who "Bu Fang" truly is. He is a extension of me that I unironically have attempted to leave behind, to forget, to abandon, to just... lose. His ability to talk to people, to make connections, to have friends who contact him occasionally. To have social groups, to be able to read and understand social cues.
His ability as a chef, to enjoy watching people eat his food, to be able to enjoy the art of cooking. The feeling of being *alive* while doing what he enjoys... I'm jealous of it. I'm jealous of Bu fang, he is what I always hoped to be, a dream, a choice, a... someone worthwhile... someone valued.
I only passed this test cause of the harbingers mercy. I know they said they judged it seriously, I know they said this was fair and square and that they witnessed me struggle but... my stress got to me.
It was ironically, that very same stress that reminded me of something... a situation where I felt the similar stress that lead me to the goblin dungeon. I know that well, it was almost basically a mcguffin, a loss-scape. A plot armor moment, a literal one in a million, I beat it properly, gave out a proper plan and recipe for everything, how I'd do it but... yea. Well, I won.
I've come accept that Bu Fang is and will always be what I aspire to be. Its the reason why I'm so visceral about his ability and what he could do, reworking many times, constantly changing stuff, trying to achieve *anything* to feel... useful.
Now though, I know the truth, that it was my own insecurity playing with Bu Fang. My inability to handle the fact that, he is useful, just not in the traditional way. He is there to be a foundation to negate consequences. To let others run wild while he sits back and make sure they're fine after. He is, like what I am, someone that is just there to make sure you're alright.
Thank you for reading these journals... I know I did the end first but that's because, well, the end is always the goal of the journey no?