ok diary so this is the part two of the casino so we got to casino and i got to gambel on a game that i dont know if i won or not because I forgot but it was fun and there was a man called slank and i liked him he looked nice and then we started doing the detectiv work and me and Haley met a real spy he sounded upset that he was not in Rusia and that they had left him at the casino but he seemed to like Haley i think

so we plaid some of that old people game i think it is bingo and i won and i got this weird thingy that made me feel stronger and also i got a turkey but i dont eat meat so uhh I dont know what i will do with it

we carried on and kept hearing about this golden man and how he was the big boss of the place and he sounded scary but we kept on going anyway and we got to the top where we met some people and they were all interesting and stuff but then i was grabbed by a worker at the casino who was scary and taken throufh a portal wich was strange but amos came with me and then the others tried to come aswell and i found myself at a big table and he was there the big boss and the big boss was actually Mammon

ok part three in next page bye diary

Dear diary this is long one so i am going to break it into parts so this is part one

i was invited to casino by Invida the green one but befor we got in we hadto prep-are and all that so we did that by going to shops and getting things so i got nocticium money and also lockpick like in movies and other things too like walkie talkie

then we met demons and they were less scary then i thought they would be and they let me touch their horns and were nice to me 

then invida made us write name on other contract wich was different from the other one we put name on and then finally we got to go to casinoto begin long adventure like usual and i thought it would go like usual but i was wrong but i will write about it in next part ok bye bye diary

Dear Diary it is two months until my birth day and i am very exited about that

today Invida the green one invited me and other contracters to a pumpkin patch wich i have never been to before so i went to have fun and we did have some fun because we got to go on fast rollercoster and i am not tall enough for most of them sometimes so that was fun but then we got to the show thing with Haley and i did not like that because they tied me to the wheel for show and threw nives at me

i dont mind nives but i did not like wheel that was not very nice and i cried about it

also we foght big scary demon man with pumpkin head and he exploded on everyone and i watched Haley die wich is another person dead which is not good i dont think

i am starting to think that my parents did not go on holiday

i miss haley

I thought they were feds at first. I received a call from someone, looking for fraudulent documents. I didn’t ask why, I never do, and we met in Okinawa.

Turns out, they’re contractors too. Nikki Sparks and Edward Graves. Contractors looking for Nathaniel..

He’s..

I’ve been manipulated again, of course I have. I’m a con artist myself, but whenever someone actually seems to care about me. It’s..

He just wanted me for information on contractors, for my connections. Dammit!

I drank myself half to death with Dr Graves. He tried healing me. It didn’t work. He and I..we’re not too dissimilar.

I’ve found it hurts, in a way. To slaughter people. It’s not a good feeling but it isn’t a bad one either. Now I’m full of more clarity and I’m not writhing in constant pain, I understand it’s a brief thrill. I don’t feel overwhelming guilt anymore..but I remember them. All their little details.

Drinking away my sorrows though, it’s probably not the answer.

Passage of the Day: 'Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.' - Psalm 62:1

After regaining my lost pieces, and having my spiritual, heavenly encounter, I have given much thought to the ways of my heart, and how I must act moving forward.

For a long time, my goal has been vengeance. Vengeance and wrath upon the sinner, upon the unmakers of His creation, and those who would harm His children. My anger burned red hot, keeping me forward and ready, pointed like truest compass towards my hated foe. 

But, hate is not what should feed a man, I have thought on that now. Salvation. Redemption. Love. Love for my fellows, and hope that they may achieve what is justly their deliverance. 

Planting my boots in a mud of hate, and loss has only had me stuck for so many years. The wildfire winds of my stolen flame are gone, so I need not seek shelter in that cold, bitter mud any longer.

And I must not cling so strongly to the Good Book, neither, for in my studies time and time again there have laid things despicable. It would kill my Momma, but I have grown to find my faith in others, and through the love and care I find within myself and my companions do I find proof of the work of God.

I must drive myself with hope. And kindness, moreso than ever before. I must not think myself mighty. I am a man. And I am his striking hand as I am his open palm.

Since I am out and about again, I decided it was due time I visited the office again. And so I did.

I gave the workers a choice to stay, or go, because I was taking it in a new direction. We’d still deal with the supernatural of course, weird ghoul exorcisms and the like with my talents, but I’ve made a few connections, and we’d be a front for something more.

Surprisingly, they stayed. Well, Mr. Oldina says he’s going to Vegas soon for his retirement, but they all stayed anyway.

Well, well this was a WEIRD one.

So, get this. There’s me, some kid who kept talking to himself, a Russian man I forget the name of immediately and someone made of literal bubblegum. 

When we were sent to this event I thought it’d be..easier than it was, but we got it done anyway, all thanks to me I’m sure. But, well after looking at the fish, great fish by the way, we had to find those members of that sons something or other.…

…

I killed a man. It was in self defence and I mean I don’t have anything against it but. Well.

It was just, strange. I’d talk more about the squid people or the experiments we saw, but I can’t stop thinking about the bathroom altercation. 

He swung at me and I had no choice but to reciprocate. I had to just keep punching and tackling, and the blood it. Well, it sprayed everywhere. All over me. All over the tiles. All over the mirrors. It should’ve been horrifying really, but it gave me some sense of accomplishment, I guess having power over the guy who had tried to yoink out my lights gave me some satisfaction..

Let’s, not think about the ramifications of that. I mean, I’m not going to go triggercrazy anytime soon or anything like that anyway, it was a first and probably a last. At least in a situation like that, close quarters and weirdly personal.

Well, it was a success and I’m sure many more will be just the same as long as I am amongst the chosen contractors.

When Midas walked into my home, lingering in the doorway. I have to admit, I was unsure how to react. Part of me wanted to screech at him and the consequences of what happened, but the past..well it’s in the past, isn’t it? Besides, what better opportunity to try out new and interesting things than another contract?

To my surprise there was at least one familiar face, that of Jolly. I believe I’m growing attatched to him, having had him see me at my worst suffering. As well as this there was a new face, Lacey I think he was. Says we’re friends now, fine by me. I seem to be collecting quite the roster of cannibals.

Anyway, the place we had to get into was very tightly guarded, but we all had our moments of teamwork, taking out the tower guards. Who knew shooting someone’s head open would be so fun! Haha! Well, am I GLAD I spent my time perfecting my aim.

When reinforcements were sent to deal with us I put on the best show to date, not only did they truly believe I was this ‘Joshua’ I made up, but most of them stuck with it to the very end, even when I had punched out their priest leader. What a sad man he was.

The prisoners, ultimately, seemed to have revolted and made it out with us just fine. Perfect, as usual with me, I get the job done afterall.

And oh, I have both a zoo and a cabin to visit now…and a new rifle and explosives to my name. You can never be too careful afterall, hm.

I should get out more! How I have missed this..

 [It’s illegible scribblings…]

Grazing my skin with my fingertips. It’s not wet anymore, not that squelchy moistness of exposed flesh..it feels..strange. Like rubber. I have no lips. Or nose, and if I close my mouth you can see the jagged edges of my teeth. I only look when I have to, in the broken shards that litter my home from broken mirrors..

I take the bandages off, my skin feels hot to the touch. I clean myself and wince through the pain, through gritted teeth. I remove the pus from wounds. I redress the skin. Again, and again. 

I look horrible. No one is going to buy anything from me if I look like this. I.. 

Am I dead?

I am surprised the hospital did not keep me for longer. I can barely hold this pen enough to write this out, but I’m home now. I’ve been home for a little while. At least I have Nathaniel to help me, no one else would want to.

I can walk again, slowly. And I can eat mushy foods that I am sick of. I have to change my bandages every day, and use every salve known to man.

They didn’t really ask questions in the hospital, just looked at me with pity. Eugh.

Everything feels like a constant blur, days melt into eachother. I keep my blinds closed, so the sun doesn’t blind my remaining eye, and I just think. Sometimes I shuffle about my own house. And yesterday, I saw myself in the mirror. 

I’ve set myself back, here I am, scrawling letters on this paper covered in blood and glass..did I deserve this?