Case #1, the rivers victim.

Hey, Ed!

INBOX
Frazier O’Neal (11:31AM) to Edward Graves>>

Hey, Ed!

Fucking finally, they sent those case details through. After all that talk of ‘Oh we can’t look into it yet, we have to let the other department finish up, let the investigation run it’s course’ they’ve come to their senses and forwarded the evidence over.

The thing is, are they all stupid over there or somethin? Half of these were ruled one after another as a suicide, from people with absolutely no history of that sorta thing! Plus they’re all so similar. Not even I’m this dumb (don’t comment on that in your response).

Same type of death, similar locations, all in New York itself, same weapon used. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Gotta be the work of a serial killer, and our first too! Ed this is huge! Well..not for the victims but you feel me. We’re gonna catch this guy, and I got a feeling he’s our sort of figure.

(That means supernatural, wink wink).

See the files attatched below for any and all case notes Doctor!

p.s. I ate that rice you left in the fridge because it was out of date.

p.p.s Nevermind, apparently that was Captains.

From coolest detective, Frazier O’Neal.

FALCHION FIEND: ISSUE #50

[ Falchion Fiend is a niche magazine-slash-blog apparently authored by ex-exorcist and current monster hunter Callum DeWick, appearing to be a fictionalised account of various escapades fighting monsters, mixed with information on other hunters.

However, some realise certain tales contained inside are anything but fictional...which could inspire fear, or admiration. The magazine's origins, the location of its author, as well as how information is gathered...are all mysteries currently unsolved. How you subscribe to the mailing list is just a well-kept secret.]

ISSUE #50 - THE HAUL

(Published 02/09/2025)

- Your Friend, Callum DeWick

To all who are reading, let it be known the villain Francis Leblanc, collector of the profane that he is, has finally been found, and his cruise ship ceased. Turn to Page. 21 to see the details, but the summary is that justice was served! Courtesy of our hotshot hero Ignacio Cardosa, slayer of a Hydra, and Captain Monica Rexx, a hunter so tough she convinced the usually male-only Sons of Ahab to allow her membership.

See the action, the gore, and the shocking twist in the newest edition of Falchion Fiend! 

Horror in Moutment!

Those local and otherwise experience shock in the small town of Mountmend! In a surprising and horrific tale, the mayor, long standing and loved by many-has been arrested- but not for murder charges as was assumed (due to the recent string of disappearances and the finding of the odd body), but for a severe case of neglect.

Civilians recall  Nancy, the lovely mayors daughter, speaking of her being ‘lively’ and a ‘Absolute charm to talk to’, many having just assumed she had moved away since those youthful days! Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case, and the rotten, burnt and maggot infested remains of Nancy were fished from the Mayor’s residence this morning.

He sits in the county jail, held currently for intensive questioning. Hopefully, for the rest of us, this justice served will finally bring things back to the way they should be around here, and maybe the police will successfully finish their job for once.

The Faces of Boe

The Bubblegum slime has existed for many, many, MANY years. It has watched the rise and fall of many notable figures. It took many forms before landing on a more “permanent” appearance. But there was one particular appearance that was quite memorable for her. Esmerelda.

It was back in 1818. She had taken on the form of a witch, wanting to see what Witches were like. But, she quickly realised that she would be found out if she remained at the coven any longer.

Not for being a Bubblegum Slime. But for whom she associated.

One of the first people she ever met was a green-faced woman. She introduced herself as Invidia. She helped Boe find somewhere to live. To exist. All she asked in exchange was for some recon on a coven called Hecate’s Finest. She agreed and uncovered many things:

1. Hecate was the leader
2. She was also known to some as a “Harbinger of Envy”
3. A family known as the Satanicas were plotting with Hecate to “Ascend”

That was all the intel Invidia needed. She asked Boe one last thing.

“When the day comes that runes illuminate the sky and everyone is plotting to become Gods, will you be by my side?”

Boe agreed and they shook hands.

Autopsy report.

DECEDENT:▇▇▇▇▇

Rigor: absent
livor: purple
Age: 24
Race: Caucasian
Sex: Male
Height: 5’9
Weight: 73 kg
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Amber/Hazel
Body heat: Unrefrigerated, room temperature.

CLOTHING:
1. White dress shirt, bloodstained, multiple tears of different sizes upon the front. 

2. Red tie, shredded.

3. Brown pants, irregular shredding.

4. Brown belt.

5. Brown socks.

6. Brown shoes.

SUMMARY OF CLINICAL HISTORY:

The decedent was a caucasian 24 year old male with no significant past medical history. Past repeat medications include Amitriptyline used to treat major depressive disorder and tension headaches after a failure in other treatments, no Amitriptyline was found in any concentration in the blood during autopsy.

Patient continuously failed to attend arranged appointments from specialists.

EXTERNAL EXAMINATION:
Well developed, well nourished white male with multiple groupings of pruritic urticarial lesions. There are lacerations of face and scalp, there are gaping lacerations of the left lower abdomen and thigh with partial evisceration of sigmoid colon and small intestine. Top layers of skin hanging loose in patches.

INTERNAL EXAMINATION:
The esophagus and stomach are discoloured, but without evidence of ulcers. Evidence of Intestinal myiasis found within the gastrointestinal tract. These larvae were identified as living third-instars of Muscina stabulans, the false stable fly. Examinations of stool specimens from other family members showed no larvae. Evidence of serious tissue damage.

800 grams of brain fragments submitted separately, found littered with juvenile Scolopendra heros as well as unhatched eggs. Similar specimens have been observed within the lacerations of the face and scalp.

A singular live Vespula Germanica found trapped within the left external auditory canal.

Multiple lacerations of liver, Dermestid larvae and adult dermestids found burrowing into liver and surrounding tissues.

TOXICOLOGY:
A. Blood and vitreous fluid tested negative for alcohols.
B. Blood tested negative for acidic, basic and neutral drugs.
C. Evidence of venom belonging to Dorylus Gribodoi, Formic acid (methanoic acid) is the predominant compound.

SUMMARY:
Cause and manner of death incredibly unclear, possibly connected to the intestinal myiasis rather than the presence of other organisms, who are mostly connected to entomological decomposition. The Vespula Germanica has been ruled as unimportant overall to the cause of death, and a coincidental hazard.

Cooking with Cadbury (Teaser 2/5)

The Shrimpish Sauce is a famous restaurant, known for the unique gimmick of having its visitors enter into a fish tank to dine there. The owner, Cadbury, is well known for his skill in Cooking and is happily married to his husband, Galaxy, who manages the finances of the restaurant and also is a professional Mantis Boxer. 

It has been a busy week for the restaurant. As a friend of famous entertainer, Dorris Green, Cadbury has been tasked with producing food for the event. Tying his white apron around his torso, Cadbury starts by reading the list of preferred dishes.

“Hmm, cheese sandwiches, chips, pizza…oh so basically a buffet. Well, that's something I can do quite well.” As Cadbury slowly prepares the food, however, he notices on the list of food that there is a letter from Dorris personally. 

Hey Cadbury,

I know you’ll do a good job with the food. I was wondering though. Do you have any ideas for what sort of food witches like to eat?

There’s a lot of them coming to my event so I want to make sure they are catered for.

Thanks

-Dorris G

“Witches? Why would they be interested in Dorris?”

FALCHION FIEND: Issues #35 - #43

[ Falchion Fiend is a niche magazine-slash-blog apparently authored by ex-exorcist and current monster hunter Callum DeWick, appearing to be a fictionalised account of various escapades fighting monsters, mixed with information on other hunters.

However, some realise certain tales contained inside are anything but fictional...which could inspire fear, or admiration. The magazine's origins, the location of its author, as well as how information is gathered...are all mysteries currently unsolved. How you subscribe to the mailing list is just a well-kept secret.] 

[ Here are a few snippets we were able to gather. Treat information gathered with caution, as some may be dramatised to obscure the truth.] 

#35 HOW MANY HEADS?

(Published 4/02/2025) 

- Your Friend, Callum DeWick

Prepare, everyone, for a tale many have told, but with some fresh faces. Last night, at the end of our Month of May, an up-and-coming hunter by the name of Ignacio Cardosa defeated a Hydra, taking cues from the famed Heracles! See Page. 13 for how our modern hunters adapt to new adaptations by praeternatural creatures unseen in prior generations. 

#36 RECUPERATING

(Published 18/02/2025)
- Your Friend, Callum DeWick

It likely comes of no surprise to some of you that the Anomaly Surveillance System that was in development by members of the Paranormal Investigators for the Safety of Society, destroyed October 2024, has so far been lost. (Operational Theory on Page. 6!)

However, we can learn a lesson from this! We are scattered, uncoordinated. Small groups fighting a larger evil. Perhaps with more resources they would have succeeded, if not more manpower at least. It is of no use to us to scoff at less supplied and less professional brethren...since in some capacity we are all fighting the good fight. 

#40 TRAIN CRASH

(Published 15/4/2024)
- Your Friend, Callum DeWick

NEW SCOOP! Witchcraft around Central England and Pendle at a record low in the last few weeks, and according to witness testimonies (The Interrogations of Nasty Nancy & Blind Beatrice, Pages 8-16) gathered by Ignacio Cardosa and a few notable members of the Recusants (Vigil & Tower) in a rare moment of allegiance, the reason is that a major transport line for occult practitioners was disrupted. 

There are histories here, folks, and there are those who wish to hide it from us. Stay sharp! 

#43 HOLY DIVER

(Published 27/05/2024)

- Your Friend, Callum DeWick. 

To all fans of RexTech, even after their management shift, subsequent bankruptcy, then reopening after the kerfuffle caused by their merger with the POMLI and the launching of Somnus, I'm afraid their continued operation dips its toes into cohorting with the enemy. 

LEARN ABOUT THE BRAVE SAILORS BATTLING MONSTERS AROUND JACKRABBIT COVE ON PAGE. 9!

A few anonymous tips inform me that there has been a drastic increase in marine monster sightings over the past few months, near their research lab in Jackrabbit Cove, Lincoln County, Oregon. This has ruffled feathers with the Ahabites, as you can all imagine, and I encourage all of you to hear them out. Dabbling with things unknown have led them to trouble before, and in this writer's humble opinion, it will do so again. 

A grand reopening is being held 10/06/2025. I trust you all to BE THERE OR BE SQUARE! 
 

Radio recording 11:15.

[TRANSMISSION BEGIN]

…Eros? Hello. I have worked with your employees before. They are competent, they are the people I will need. I ask you to send them my way. Humbly, I cannot do this alone. But the scourge must be eradicated before they succeed in whatever vile plans they have in store. Please, let your contractors know when you can. We will need to infiltrate.

[TRANSMISSION END]

Dorris Green's Comeback? (Teaser 1/5)

The Dream Works agency has announced that their most profitable star, Dorris Green, is going to come back in theatres around the world! The agency has also announced that he will have his friend, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, join him as his opening act. We spoke to the green guy himself and this is what he had to say:

"I believe it is finally time for me to return to the lights and the audience, especially since nothing is holding me back. My excellent friend, Oswald, is joining me as the opening act. That guy is honestly so funny that I'm worried that he'll end up performing better than me.

Seriously though, the guy deserves to find his audience once again. And now is no better time."

It is also believed that Dorris is in the works of debuting a new children's show for Beceebies, a channel for children owned by CBB. He has dropped hints that a friend of his, known only as "Bubblegum Boe", will be presenting the show. There isn't much information regarding this new star, other than the fact that paparazzi have photographed the three stars together quite frequently.

Up Next on CCB 1 - Ghosteyes

The highly anticipated "Ghosteyes" is set to premiere tomorrow night, at 8 pm! The show is set to focus on the infamous Hammond Manor and the strange paranormal events that have occurred there for many years. Wilson Bedgrave, who you may know for his appearance on Doctor What, will be hosting the show and taking in viewer questions throughout the hour. Stay tuned and remember: whether you believe or not, everything has an answer...

Review-Jack and The Beanstalk

As a family we went to see this pantomime last night Tuesday and we can not say just how much we enjoyed it!

It was fantastic everything about was wonderful the actors who where in it, from goose to sinions who's faces were a joy to see and right up to the professional adults in main parts wonderful production of Jack And The Beanstalk the can't say enough thank you everyone who who was in it and behind the scenes a great night was had 10/10.

Scandal with the Hexpress

Hexpress, a train company first started in Pendle, United Kingdom, has come under flack for its involvement with "The Witchy Rampage of 1821".

This event was striking as it was one of the first instances of a mass supernatural gathering. The train company had allegedly provided transport for witches and other magical practitioners part of a notorious Witch Coven known as "Hecate's Finest". This coven is notorious for the overall skill of the members as well as the reputation of their leader: Hecate.

Despite being the coven's leader, Hecate is notably absent from many of their smaller gatherings. It is speculated that she has something else to do, which takes priority.

Hexpress has not commented on these allegations.

The figure placed down the newspaper from his hand and onto the table in front of his friend.

"I, for one, personally think that Hexpress, as an organisation, needs to be held to a better standard for us "Magic Practitioners". It has long been failing our needs of travelling the world...It's a shame it's the only transport we can rely on."

"Ah yes. All due to the Broom Ban of 2001. I heard it was related to the Falling of the Twin Towers. Only she has those privileges now. I'm shocked that she wasn't able to stop that horrible event."

"Indeed. Pity. I must be going now, Minerva. I do hope you have a very safe trip. "

"I shall see you one day soon, Satanica. Farewell"

As Satanica walked out of the small cabin, he walked to the middle of the train and stepped outside of the cabin. Looking outside, he saw the sun slowly falling and the sky turn a dark orange. Watching the sunset, he adjusted the egg timer in his hand.

"Connected. Once activated, the other half of the train will detonate in 1 HOUR."

"I wonder who you will send this time, Invidia."

LARGE BIRDS SEEN IN SAN FRAN!

WHAT IS UP LISTENERS, WE’RE ON AIIIIIR.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? LARGE BIRDS SEEN FLYING AROUND SAN FRAN, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT!! THEY’RE HUGE-MONGUS, GIANT, SCARY EVEN. I CAN’T EVEN TELL WHAT BIRD IT WAS, WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A BIRD SCIENTIST? HUH?

*LOUD STATIC*

Victor Victorious' Grand Finale

On Halloween Night, bare witness to the great magician, Victor Victorious! Watch as he performs tricks that will blow you away and be the first to see the debut of Victor's greatest trick: The Water Tank! 

*Tickets start from £50 per adult. Concessions (Children under 2 months and those over 100) cost £49.99. 

Beach Clean-Up!

Locals urged to stray away from the (usually) scenic beaches as strange items float ashore, unless you’re part of the cleanup crew look elsewhere to see our local tourist attractions!

The strange items and debris includes large bones, fish parts and carcasses, all sorts of what looks to be half digested products, scales, even a human eyeball!

Thankfully the cleanup shouldn’t take too long, and this event poses us no danger! It just seems some large sea residents got hungry, and the waves pushed their carcasses over to us.

Hey..Hey? Is this thing on? Oh, it's not a voice recording? Oh? I'm just typing this? Well that makes sense, thankyou me. I hope my friends show up again sometime soon or I'll get lonely...first people I have managed to talk to in a while! Maybe I should simply 'walk' to them.

-M

ANOTHER ABANDONED MALL PURCHASED

Wonderful news for the economy it seems, the surplus of abandoned malls are slowly dwindling! Another one has recently been bought in the local area, whether it be for business purposes, a school or just a living place a building being reused is better than nothing! Read more in our latest blog post!

Das Edelweiss resort

Consider visiting the beautiful resort of Das Edelweiss in the scenic Austrian alps, beautiful theoughout all seasons and open to all whether you need to brush up on skiing, a romantic spa getaway or just for business.

Our five-star facilities, chefs and communal areas alongside our wonderfully comfortable rooms for one or many are amongst the best in the area with many happy customers reporting the ultimate relaxation after their visit.

And for returning guests, fear not, the problems with noise on the roof have been resolved, we believe it was just the wildlife or the metal scraping against the roof, this will bother you no longer.

What are you waiting for? Visit now!

An unfortunate incident

*Static whirring*
Vrrrrrr...

Our sources tell us it was around the later hours last night that the Acropolis casino experienced a disruption, after investigators discovered the flooding we are led to believe the pipe system exploded due to an unknown cause, therefore damaging the rest of the building. No bodies, alive or dead were found or recovered from the rubble fortunately and the building itself has been rendered temporarily inoperable. However, after some cleanup this land could potentially be as good as new, lending its presence to a new casino, hotel or restaurant. Stay tuned for more at 4:00.

*Static whirring*
Vrr rrr..

The Blairsville Case

Notes of Chief Inspector Randall Cast on the disappearances in Blairsville, Georgia. Recorded 21/6/23

For a period of 15 years now, the number of disappearances reported to local police in Georgia were as follows:

- Anna-Marie Jackson, 9/5/2008. Search party sent, but never recovered. Age 6.

- Leonard Cross, 11/2/2009. Age 9.

- Justin Jackson-Marshall, 3/4/2009. Age 14 

- Ethan May, 22/9/2009. Age 9

- Abbie Church, 9/6/2010. Age 12

- Irene Hamilton, 16/12/2011. Age 15

- Adrian Burch, 10/8/2012. Age 9

- Stuart Cross, 3/3/2013. Age 5

- Oliver Church, 1/4/2015. Age 15

- Cole Abbot, 2/6/2016. Age 14

- Zachary Park, 5/3/2018. Age 7

- Anna Marshall, 9/11/2018. Age 10

- Corey Black, 11/2/2020. Age 12

- John Cutter, 5/4/2022. Age 15

- Olivia Hamilton, 2/6/22. Age 16

- Maria Cutter, 1/3/2023. Age 17

All were never found. The cases were sent to the local police database, but due to technical difficulty and a strange phenomena causing many police patrols to be unable to find the town of Blairsville, investigation has been limited up until this point. 

We will find them, however late. 

Ant infestation situation

The recent reports from the locals of major ant infestations in the area, near the apartment complex have been slowing down, and as of recently they've ceased completely.
After several community-sent pest control officials, the incident has been deemed dealt with, with the ants colonies and walkways having been found emptied, as of yet they are unsure where the ants have moved to or if they are still living amongst the locals. A few remainders, but no matter of issue have been found around a certain apartment, however we spoke to the tenant (who would prefer to remain anonymous) a detective, who doesn't seem to mind or notice any sort of further infestation. We spoke to him somewhat indepth about the situation and honestly, he seemed none the wiser, so if a detective hasn't noticed these critters recently we should absolutely be in the clear. This is excellent news for the residents of the area, and will undoubtedly help the quality of life and the streets return to normal. 

We will keep all our reader's regularly updated on the situation, and any further infestations to be wary of in the area.

Be sure to check out our newest sponsor, the lovely people over at CUG. These alarms are fitted with AA alkaline batteries and are compliant to the safety standards.

They are standalone and compliant with IOS and Adnroid apps, so be sure to check them out today!

Breakout at the Bolshoi

(The Russian Television and Radio Broadcasting Company/Всероссийская государственная телевизионная и радиовещательная компания logo flickers on the screen)

Breaking news!

After the strange recent events that followed the Bolshoi theatre's production of 'The king in yellow', many have been put at blame. A terrorist attack, insiders in the theatre (such as the acid attack by a male dancer in the past) some have even been turning to supernatural causes of violence!

However, after ongoing investigations it seems it was a work of the mob, or some kind of similarly organised group, this discovery has led many to believe the incident was a result of their being 'cut-off' from ticket sales in order to sell them at far more exorbitant rates.

This explanation does not explain exactly what drove not just the actors but the technical staff too to suicide.

See more on the story and suspicions later, but for now, a happier story of a photographer capturing the magic of an island's puffins!

Slaying the Beast!

Duncan Dreer, Ronaldsy Weekly 1/4/2023

Terrible news on the island today, as many sheep were found dead, allegedly due to an attack by the dreaded sea devil. God bless the souls of those who went to stop such a terrible demon. I heard they did battle upon the beach, right down at the farm owned by Old Abernathy, his daughter and her wife. I swear I could smell the stink of its terrible breath all the way from the Church, but God has brought a blessing once more. The light of the Mither shines upon us once more, now the winter leaves and the devil is kept beneath the waves again.

Thank God, and thank our protectors.

Interstate Crash!

Morecambe Morshoggle, the Global Gobble (14/02/23)

A terrible series of crashes occurred on an East Texas road earlier this evening, resulting in the horrible destruction of 6 cars. The reported cause of this was a collision with a prison bus, though no remnants of that have been found. Use of high explosives have indicated this may not have been the work of amateurs, and discussion of foul play have been made.

Either way, that's all the info we have at the moment. We'll see you all next time!

String of Sadness Comes to An End!

Phinoleus Orphorg, the Monthly Manan. (04/02/2023)

A mystery series of worsening feelings in the city of Boliney has recently been causing problems for many of its inhabitants, though it seems the place is on a turn. The events have been blamed on an infestation of mosquitoes biting residents, perpetuating the idea of an attack by a malevolent spirit. Though, this would come to an end in the past few days, with all attacks mysteriously ceasing. The miraculous end has been attributed to the unblocking of a dam in the river creating pools of stagnant water, a breeding ground for the troublesome biting insects.

Now, onto the weather!

Dry Georgia, and more at 10!

Mallory Bigswiggle, the East Fiddle. (24/1/2023)

Breaking News, from across Georgia that is. Droughts have been reported over the last few weeks, with even rainy seasons running dry, some rivers with less fish and a dip in temperature. 

Scientists can trace the phenomena to a perceived atmospheric disturbance altering the air currents, which they believe will sort itself out shortly, though Georgian's will be left in a real mess the next few weeks. 

In other news, the small town of Colgarac, known locally for its good harvests has reported a similar drop in quality, causing many to blame recent imports from larger companies, as well as experimental plants from Amy's Organic Soups. The company declined any responsibility for the event, blaming everything on the atmospheric disturbance, though some remain skeptical. 

Now, on better and wetter news, the weather. Mallory out! 

Fire's Dying Down.

Alister P. Greenhood, the Weekly Watch. (17/1/2023)

Hey, fellow observers! It's Al here, just here to bring some news from Redvein. I know there's bit a lot of people scared away from the sudden fires, and even more by some of the camera crews looking into it, but as far as we know it's pretty much stopped.

I've been seeing some of the native finches coming back in, as well as even some nests that managed to survive the fires. Some life there, finally. And hopefully, it will continue to return, and flourish.

The bark of the redwood grows stronger with wildfires, and we will too. We'll keep watching, to make sure these beautiful creatures get the recognition they deserve. 

See you in the trees, folks. 

Spud's Gone!

Ol Baggas, Magician's Monthly. (3/1/2023)

So folks, sorry to say but we've got some bad news. The Spectacular Spud, known often around these parts for his creativity, realism and maintenance of the illusion, has passed away. 

His body was found mutilated in one of his old haunts, and police say he was most likely lured out by someone pretending to be a fan, and stabbed to death. He will be surely missed.

I'm sure all of you are expecting this to be a new trick, a surprise reincarnation would not be something unexpected from a master of the craft such as him, but we think it's real.

So, Spud, it appears it's curtain closed. Forever. And if you got us, you got us good. 

Goblin Down the Chimney

Morgorger, The Goblian, (25/12/22)

SAINT GNORSHLAK'S GOT COMPETITION! DON'T LET HIM OR GRANNY GNORSHLAK  HEAR ME SAY IT, BUT OL' GREBBER AND HIS PLUMBER BOY REALLY SAVED CHRISTMAS! 

THEY GOT IT DONE EVEN FASTER THAN THE BEARDED BLOKE HIMSELF, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. SLAMMING ON CHIMNEYS LEFT AND RIGHT WITH AN HOUR TO SPARE TO TAKE DOWN THAT BASTARD KRAMPUS. 

AND LEMME TELL YA, GNORSHLAK  GAVE THAT HORNED HUNK 'A SHIT A RIGHT BEATING. EVEN THWACKED AND SPAGGLED HIM ONE WITH HIS OWN BIRCH ROD. HOPE HE'S LEARNED HIS PLACE FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS FELLAS, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

07/13/22: Fire Report

On the 13th of July 2022, a fire was reported at the residence of Susan Green. The fire is believed to be an intentional product of arson, as pieces of shrapnel and powder marks show the usage of explosives in the room the corpse of Ms Green occupied. Aside from this, the house was left as rubble, with little-to-no traces of anything that would give us at the Greene County Fire Department any sign of the reason behind such a terrible crime.

What remained of Susan Green's possessions, left in a warehouse storeroom within Ashland's many facilities, was signed over to her closest living relative, her son traced to Greenfield County Orphanage, who refused any questioning on the matter.

Several reports of arson similar to this have been recorded earlier this year, but the department has confided in its neighbors at the Police Department and found no substantial evidence linking these cases together.

-END LOG-

Shocking News! Island Gone, and more!

Melvin Migswick, the Daily Reed (Gathered 11th June, 2022)

Back again folks for a wacky story that'd be sure to blow your socks off! An unidentified island was reported missing by satellites for approximately 43 minutes before reappearing to watchers in the sky, with some claiming government operation and others a problem with the reporting team's sushi that evening.

On unrelated news, popular members of LMFAO Red Foo and Sky Blu were seen entering a changing room on the opposite side of the country, before only one slightly taller man left in a trenchcoat. Is this the work of a fusion device, a doppelganger or maybe alien experimentation? Perhaps all three. LMFAO have declined to comment further on the situation, only confessing to 'getting high a lot and birthing many children'.

Join me next week when I discuss rising sea levels and theories of monsters in our waters, highlighting reports such as the Cincinnati Gobbler, the Greased Goblin Shark of Mexico City and the Colossal Squid found on the shores of New Jersey. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next time.

05/05/2022: Account of Mr Wake

The following is a copy of Mr Edward Wake's record of a reported kidnapping on the 5th of May, 2022.

"It was a little earlier in the morning when it happened. I was...doing my job as usual, finding papers and the like, when two guys came in. I don't remember much, just that one was much taller than the other. Weird looking fellas too, one of them had a fully body spandex, or something. They claimed they were there to adopt, and as I ran the background checks they asked to talk to some of the children. I obliged, for which I am sorry. One moment they were talking, and next the power went out. Completely dark, didn't hear anything but a sound like lightning.

When it came back on, they had the kid in their arms and tried to intimidate me...do something to me I can't quite place. They said they were police, that the kid had done something and needed to be put in custody. Something about the power, which I couldn't believe. They were yelling, and I felt something in my head. Each time the tall one spoke. It was begging me to let them leave.

I really didn't want to, I didn't. But the way he said they were police just felt right in the moment. It was the only thing that made sense. 

I accept my responsibility for what happened, but you need to believe me there was something really wrong with those two. "

Mr Wake was detained later on for gross negligence, his testimony buried and classified. He currently resides in Root Mountain Rehabilitation Centre and will remain there due to extended psychological distress. 

04/03/2022, 19:12: Noise Complaint

The following report is a transcription of a 911 call reported to the NYPD on the 3rd of April, 2022, regarding a noise complaint by an elderly resident of Rowan Apartments. The time of call was 19:12, time of dispatch was 19:16.

Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I've been hearing gunshots and a lot of weird noises. It's like...howling?

Dispatcher: How long have you been hearing these noises, ma'am?

Caller: Well, the gunshots started around 10 minutes ago...and they stopped after that. Loud ones, too. I don't know where they're coming from, and there's no yelling or people I can hear or anything.

Dispatcher: What is your name, ma'am? And can I ask where you are?

Caller: Rowan Apartments, 24th St. And my name's Margaret Scott.

Dispatcher: Are you in any immediate danger, Maggie?

Caller: No, no. I can't hear anything now, I think it stopped...

The call is interrupted by Ms Scott dropping the phone and a muffled noise can be heard.

Dispatcher: Margaret, are you still there? 

Caller: The howling started again...It's not like a dog or anything. It's louder, and it sounds kinda angry.

Another howl can be heard more clearly.

Dispatcher: Ma'am, have there been any incidents with wild dogs, feral animals, anything you can think of in your area before?

Caller: No...never as long as I've been here. Can you send someone please? They sound like they're getting louder. And I swear I heard more than just the one.

Dispatcher: Sit tight, ma'am. A unit has been dispatched to investigate. Please stay inside while we handle the situation.

-call ends-

The area next to Rowan Apartments is investigated and found to be an empty parking lot. No bullet casings, nor any other reports of howling or strange noises were reported by nearby residents. The validity of this call is questioned, but the presence of the noises in the recording of the call warrants further investigation.

A Case Gone Wrong?

(Collected 03/18/22)

Hey guys! It's Greg Shamog, here to bring you some news from our expedition down into Adder National Park. I know Winston and Randy have been on and off recently, but that's because they've been gathering INTEL! Real proof, no bullshit this time!

Bad news is, they disappeared. Like, I saw their car go in, waited outside for a day and neither of them came out. I'm telling you guys the Feds got them. Pulled them right into the sky or an underground base or something to probe their minds to take our proof for themselves! I know the guys, and they were really sure they had something. If they don't turn up in the next week, they've definitely been taken. Whatever they had, it was in the van, I've hidden everything else. Whatever's happening, we need to lay low for a while, switch frequencies, the whole lot. Tinfoil hats might seem a stretch, but you can never be too careful! I heard Winston had something crazy on him, so if he managed to throw it...and if we find him we can ask him what it did. If it worked as intended, who knows. Maybe rather than protecting the world from the freaks, they'll have to be protected from us.

All real agents, come talk at the location we discussed. No phones, no cameras, no nothing. Off the grid, it's what Winston and Randy would've wanted. Take Curt's yellow cooper.

Remember. Your unsafe wounds reset, and pull taut the cord at the heathen's communion.

A Soup-reme Failure of Airport Security!

Calvin Bigswick, the Daily Deed. (Recorded 02/22/22)

It was a harrowing day at a Wisconsin Airport today as what has been called the strangest terrorist attack in American history was reported by airport security. According to eyewitness testimony, a giant can of organic lentil soup rolled through the airport, with crowds being thankfully spared as an 'unknown force' pushed them out of its path and into safety. Simultaneously, reports of a large, hairy wolf-like humanoid were shared by members of known antique collector Maxwell Martinez's security detail, even saying they shot at the creature. Many theorise what occurred here this evening, but the most common theory spouted is a contamination of the airport's water supply stemming from the nearby fields, discovered by construction workers, a chemical similar to Lysergic acid diethylamide found in pesticides used there. The only reported injuries were a crushed foot from one of the security members, as well as numerous broken ribs and many shaken-up civilians. 

Martinez has denied further comment on the issue and has not been heard from since the incident.

Representatives from Amy's Organic Soups Co. have denied accusations of an elaborate marketing stunt, as well as the theorised marketing deal with Whackamole Studios for their new movie, 'Minestrone Wolfman: A Soupernatural Affliction,' but theories still remain at the collaboration. Whatever the real answers are, we'll keep you updated.

Now for the weather, over to you Debbie!